<![CDATA[mermaid muse - Dear Diary]]>

<![CDATA[mermaid muse - Dear Diary]]>Tue, 11 Apr 2023 14:08:33 -0700Weebly<![CDATA[Sometimes You Just Need A Good Scare!]]>Wed, 25 Apr 2018 07:00:00 GMThttp://www.loreleimoon.net/dear-diary/sometimes-you-just-need-a-good-scareA QUIET PLACE! SO GOOD!

Grateful to my friend Sumiko for going to see, A Quiet Place with me last night for $5 movies. It was cathartic after the past couple of days to see a film where worse shit is happening to other people. Damn. It was really good too. Excellent pacing, got you invested right away, realistic scary consequences, great cast, excellent monsters and didn't rely on gratuitous cheesy horror tropes. The ending rocked it. Go see it!

This is my kinda horror movie; storytelling over shock value, but still scary. I haven't enjoyed being this stressed out since, The Witch! The obvious comparison is probably, Cloverfield but this is a hundred times better in every respect. (And I enjoyed Cloverfield)

Also, coming home I realized even trying to be quiet, how much damn noise I make. I would be so dead!

STARTING OVER AND OVER

Trying to get through the day without getting stuck. Car started this afternoon, but it resisted a bit. I had three stops: my therapist, the pharmacy and the grocery store. Made it to therapy. Car started fine. Next the pharmacy.

Then I realized that I could save the strain of one more start on my dying battery by using the drive through at the pharmacy. Even though it was a long line, hot and all those idling cars were fecking the environment, just for today it was a win.

However, not such a win when I discovered that one of the two medications that the specialist prescribed is no longer covered by my insurance, that my out-of-pocket cost would be around $220, and of course the alternatives they will cover are both medications that I have at home which actually make my condition worse. My doctor can send in some forms explaining why they should make an exception and cover the medication but this could take a couple of months and I don't even have an appointment with her for three weeks. My other options, which neither me or my doctors want would be to do is a steroid injection or just suffer.

I suffer a lot because I am poor. It sucks that health and quality of life come at a high price in this country. Between copays I can't afford and things not covered that I can't afford, I have to choose to not take some of my meds as prescribed and for others, not take them at all. Usually my prescriptions cover 90 days, but if I average it out monthly I would need about $300 a month to cover the deficit. This is actually pretty good compared to what some people's medications cost a month. Thanks Obama!

I can count on having a lot more pain and discomfort and living a much shorter life than those with the privilege of money and good health coverage. And the longer this administration and congress stays in power the shorter my life is going to get. If you voted for these jerks this is just one of the things you voted for. Thanks.

BUT I GOT STUFF DONE!

Well, at least this day has been strangely productive so far.

I made it to therapy. I was late but I made it.
My car didn't leave me stranded.
I got two of my three prescriptions
I took a me short but sweet me break, sat on a sofa at Peets and read.
I'm pondering a book review I promised to write and am really in a quandary over whether to write a favorable or scathing review.
Had a lovely conversation with a young woman at Peet's born in Papua New Guinea who was adopted by white Americans.
Did all the grocery shopping and will be cooking some mighty feasty meals this week.
Found reasonable parking. Now I just have to hobble home! My left knee in particular has been so painful latel
Still gotta cook dinner for us nightbirds.

Also, is it bad that I've been kinda excited that my therapist's internship is ending in a couple of months? As much as I hate change, I'm secretly happy that I'll have to transition to another therapist.

He's had a few good moments but mostly, it's just so obvious that by afternoon when we have our appointments that he is tired and sleepy. Sometimes he nods off. He's really passive and can't keep track of time. At one point he tried to make it my responsibility. He still lets me go over all the time.

AND..... TA DA! DINNER!

ME: Mmmm. This DOES smell good.

Voice From Behind The Hippie Curtain: Mmmmph reammmplegmf -OOD!

Translation: It's really good!

Submitted for your approval:
Salad greens with arugula and herbs, tomato, avocado, cucumber, olives, sunflower seeds and kidney beans.
Cheesy garlic fries.
Decadent Sammich: Whole wheat baguette stuffed with pesto, brie, also mushroom Brie, eggplant, red pepper, rosemary, mushrooms, spinach, olives and veggie sausage. All nice and melty.

This chipping in on foods is working out pretty good. Plus, with cooking and shopping I feel useful.

]]><![CDATA[The Trials And Tribulations Of Owning A Car While Poor]]>Tue, 24 Apr 2018 07:00:00 GMThttp://www.loreleimoon.net/dear-diary/the-trials-and-tribulations-of-owning-a-car-while-poor430 AM

Good grief! That was the most dubious, clusterfeckery, hilariously, bordering on epic, bafflingly unprofessional experience with roadside assistance I have ever had. I am too tired to type it out in the entertaining manner it deserves! BUT I WILL!

Let's just leave it at more than four hours later:

I am back home
My car is legally parked
Hopefully battery is charged enough so that I can start it tomorrow
My roommate has earned back enough points of awesomeness that if he weren't my roommate I would probably throw gratitude sex at him
'm debating staying up all night in fear of sleeping through my doctor appointment tomorrow, but I really need sleep
My roommate gave up on going to bed early to help save my bootie and is staying up watching Westworld (he just alerted me to a male full frontal lol, my how things have changed)
I am going to stick my nose in a book and stress eating the cheese and crackers he bought today

230 PM

Ok. I overslept but not fatally. I have 30 minutes to slam some coffee, eat some yogurt and get socially presentable if I want to make my doctor appointment in time. This is good because if I don't make it, they charge $35 which I don't have. I wanted to get up early and take my car in to my mechanic to check the battery, but we kind of knew that wasn't going to happen, didn't we? Pray the car starts because I have no leeway here.

AND OH THERE WILL BE MORE TO ADD TO MY RIDICULOUS CAR SAGA!

It just goes to show you that it's always something!

My battery is indeed, toast. Replacement for my car is around $200! I don't have $200. I don't have an extra $200 in my budget next month either. Feh.

Also, had to call the cops on a guy harassing me at the auto parts store. I didn't stick around. Hope the cops catch the SOB and put a scare into him at least. That moment of relief that it was a white guy and I could call the cops without worrying about his being shot.

And now the moment of truth. Am I stuck outside Starbucks or can I roll home?

*mumbles appropriate prayers and incantations*

]]><![CDATA[That Old Sleep Disorder Is Acting Up Again, No Soft Spot For The Bush Family And Screw Off Personality Tests!]]>Mon, 23 Apr 2018 07:00:00 GMThttp://www.loreleimoon.net/dear-diary/that-old-sleep-disorder-is-acting-up-again-no-soft-spot-for-the-bush-family-and-screw-off-personality-tests

I managed to get up at 2PM today with help.

Last night, my roommate offered to pound on my door to try and wake me up today. I became extremely anxious just thinking about that. No. Do not frighten a person with PTSD awake. OMG! So, he opted for irritating me with multiple texts instead. I think it helped. Ironically, when I did wake, a few minutes after his final text, I was dreaming about going to bed and TRYING to go to sleep, but not being able to because I kept remembering that I had to get up soon anyway.

Oh, and just now, when I needed to transfer some money, PayPal has frozen my account saying I need to prove my identity. I've sent them everything they asked for but they are taking their sweet time. This is the second time they have done this. Facebook still has me frozen on their payment app. How the heck do I prove I'm me?

The world is still a fecked up place. Another white shooter taken into custody ALIVE but if you're not white, sit in a parking lot black or hop a few fences and be in your backyard amd you are dead. Kill people and you are white, you get arrested. Be black and suspected of just trying to break into a car, you die.

And everyone fawning over George and Barbara Bush, conveniently forgetting all the gross stuff they said and did. These are rich, clueless, casually racist people who raised some horrible children. They lived extremely long lives full of privilege. Long lives that you and I don't have the same chance at because we don't have their fabulous health care. And they didn't approve of us having access to the same health care either.

No, I don't hate them but I'm not going to remember them fondly, see their very traditional relationship (which Babs used to shame feminists) as romantic or feel bad if George follows right after. (That's fairly normal btw) Unless health care changes in this country or I get very lucky, with my current health care, I'll be surprised if I live to be 60. So pardon my lack of sympathy. The Bush family doesn't need it.

#stateofthemermaid #theworldneedsfixin #justkeepswimming #atleastimawakeforthecomingapocolypse

1057pm

How in the heck do people do these top 10 movies and album lists on social media all the time? How in the heck does one narrow down lists of things they love into such tidy piles? Mine change constantly and I forget things as soon as I try to think of them.

In a similar vein, a friend recently asked people what their Meyers Briggs and Enneagram results were. I always get different answers or sometimes, I get results that don't match my personality AT ALL when I take them. (I am like 2% a Campaigner WTF?)

I think part of this is that with few exceptions I fall close to the neutral line. On many of those questions that give you two options, expecting you to instinctively gravitate to one or the other at least a little, I am just at NOPE; unacceptable! Lots of the answers I find equally valid or equally invalid, or I need an, "it depends" qualifier.

One of my least favorite questions asks, "would you rather have a child that was kind or smart?" One might think I'd say, kind. Well, first, I'd rather not have a child, thanks. Secondly, intelligence without kindness is a terrible thing, and kindness does you little good if you aren't intelligent. Everyone will just take advantage of you. I neither want a psychopath or a doormat. Therefore, I reject your question Meyers Briggs. Feck your box!

As you can surmise, I also have trouble with multiple choice quizzes that are preference based, like most Facebook quizzes. Often absolutely none of the choices appeal to me.

DAMN CAR WOES!

1132 pm

Ack! Suddenly, I find myself desperately bat signaling at nearly midnight, for anyone with jumper cables who might still be out and about, tonight or that will be early in the morning! I guess my car battery never got fully charged. It was a little sluggish starting yesterday.

Eerie thing, Past Lorelei, you're in a similar situation now!

I needed to move it for street sweeping and it's dead. With the sleep issues I'm having, if I want to get a jump in the morning I'll need to stay up all night. I can't afford a ticket. Once jumped, if tonight, I figure, I can drive on freeway to charge it or in the morning, I can run to a mechanic for a full charge and a check up. Hoping I don't need a new battery. Definitely can't afford that.

Oh, Past Lorelei, yes, you will need a new battery.

Clearly I need to buy jumper cables next time I get paid.

Update: My insurance is sending a tow truck and my roomie is holding the Gladys spot. Hoping the late night jump doesn't go above what my insurance covers. Looks like I had better find a way to pay for AAA again. Hopefully, I can charge it enough tonight to start it tomorrow. Might need help with a jump in the am or early afternoon though. Worst case scenario, I borrow money and Lyft to my doctor.

Oh, past Lorelei, that experience was a total disaster; the guy insurance sent was a joke, but you avoided a ticket and you got a battery. Go you!

]]><![CDATA[TRYING]]>Mon, 23 Apr 2018 07:00:00 GMThttp://www.loreleimoon.net/dear-diary/trying

I managed to get up at 2PM today with help.

Last night, my roommate offered to pound on my door to try and wake me up today. I became extremely anxious just thinking about that. No. Do not frighten a person with PTSD awake. OMG! So, he opted for irritating me with multiple texts instead. I think it helped. Ironically, when I did wake, a few minutes after his final text, I was dreaming about going to bed and TRYING to go to sleep, but not being able to because I kept remembering that I had to get up soon anyway.

Oh, and now, when I needed to transfer some money, PayPal has frozen my account saying I need to prove my identity. I've sent them everything they asked for but they are taking their sweet time. This is the second time they have done this. Facebook still has me frozen on their payment app. How the heck do I prove I'm me?

The world is still a fecked up place. Another white shooter taken into custody ALIVE but if you're not white, sit in a parking lot black or hop a few fences and be in your back yard amd you are dead. Kill people and you are white, you get arrested. Be black and suspected of just trying to break into a car, you die.

And everyone fawning over George amd Barbara Bush, conveniently forgetting all the gross stuff they said and did. These are rich, clueless, casually racist people who raised some horrible children. They lived extremely long lives full of priviledge. Long lives that you and I don't have the same chance at because we don't have their fabulous health care. And they didn't approve of us having access to the same health care either. No, I don't hate them but I'm not going to remember them fondly, see their traditionally relationship (which Babs used to shame feminists) as romantic or feel bad if George follows right after. (That's fairly normal btw) Unless health care changes in this country or I get very lucky, with my current health care, I'll be surprised if I live to be 60. So pardon my lack of sympathy. The Bush family doesn't need it.

How in the heck do you do these top 10 movies and album lists my people? How in the heck do you narrow down lists of things you love into such tidy piles? Mine change constantly and i forget things when I try to think of them.

In a similar vein, a friend asked people what their Meyers Briggs and Enneagram results were recently. I constantly get different answers or I get results that don't match my personality AT ALL when I take them. (I got Campaigner a couple of times. read all the details and I am maybe 2% a Campaigner, WTF?)

I think part of this is that with few exceptions I fall close to the neutral line. On many of those questions that give you two options, expecting you to instinctively gravitate to one or the other at least a little, I am just at NOPE; unacceptable! Lots of the answers I find equally valid or equally invalid, or I need an, "it depends" qualifier.

One of my least favorite questions asks, "would you rather have a child that was kind or smart?" One might think I'd say, kind. Well, first, I'd rather not have a child, thanks. Secondly, Intelligence without kindness is a terrible thing and kindness does you no good if you aren't intelligent. Everyone will just take advantage of you. I neither want a psychopath or a doormat. Therefore, I reject your question Meyers Briggs. Feck your box!

As you can surmise, I also have trouble with multiple choice quizzes that are preference based like most Facebook quizzes. Often absolutely none of the choices appeal to me.

And NOW A DAMN DEAD BATTERY!

Tonight I needed to move it for street sweeping and it's dead. With the sleep issues in having, if I want to get a jump in the morning I'll need to stay up all night.I can't afford a ticket. Once jumped, if tonight, I can drive on freeway to charge it or in am, I can run to a mechanic for a full charge and a check up. Hoping I don't need a new battery. Definitely can't afford that.

Clearly I need to buy jumper cables next time I get paid.

My insurance is sending a tow truck and my roomie is holding the Gladys spot. Hoping the late night jump doesn't go above what my insurance covers. Looks like I had better find a way to pay for AAA again. Hopefully, I can charge it enough tonight to start it tomorrow.

TWO AND A HALF HOURS LATER

Well, this is going to be a long fecking night! My roadside assistance seems to be essentially worthless.

]]><![CDATA[One Thing Right]]>Sun, 22 Apr 2018 07:00:00 GMThttp://www.loreleimoon.net/dear-diary/one-thing-right

Not doing well.

Dear Brain.

You do not need to go through bouts of severe insomnia followed by 10-20 hours of sleep. Really, trust me.

Right now, I really, really miss Kaiser insurance. At the time Temescal Cafe was sold and I was not able to pay the insane fees to keep my insurance through COBRA, I had only recently been diagnosed with MS. My neurologist was also trying to diagnose my sleep disorder. For a while he thought I had KLS, also known as Sleeping Beauty Syndrome (read about it - it's just horrible) but while I did have the pattern of sudden onset of periods of excessive sleep which just as suddenly turns to a more normal pattern for a while, I didn't have the particular cognitive issues when I woke up. So, he was on a mission to find out exactly what I did have going on.

If the ACA had been in place then, I'd still have Kaiser and would have gotten a lid on this years ago.

I love many things about the clinic I go to now, but I have received negligible help for my MS. I haven't had a single MRI of my brain, which is recommended annually, since I left Kaiser. My doctors have mentioned sending me for a sleep study multiple times and not followed through. It took months to get an X-Ray after falling and possibly injuring my spine. I am in excruciating pain, got the X-Ray but they scheduled an appointment several months away to go over results. I was able to change that appointment to the end of May, which is also the soonest I will be able to discuss antidepressants or push about sleep studies again.

If you have good health care, count your blessings. I just want to live the best life I can within my limits. I really don't believe I should be limited this much though. Too bad Republicans seem to think I should just die. Because that's what it really boils down to doesn't it? If they do what they really want and take away "entitlements" like Social Security and Medicare, I would die and quite quickly too. As it is, at least I am alive even if I am not living.

A PEEK AT LAST NIGHT'S BRAGGED ABOUT EATS

Not sure yet, if The Insomniac's Kitchen is going to stir up a late night meal for me and J. Last I checked he wasn't hungry and he did let me make a sammich from his leftover egg salad. I think there was enough mayo in that egg salad to please a whole bus full of hungry southern picnickers!

One of the few accomplishments I've made during my waking hours the past couple of days was dinner. Friday's dinner disappeared before I got a photo, but I had the leftovers as part of last night's feast.

The rice dish was a marvelous slow cooked combo of shredded chicken, coconut, garlic, bell pepper, eggplant, yellow squash, mushroom, corn, green beans and ginger cooked in coconut cream and chicken broth.

The last bit of it is here with scrambled eggs, english muffin, potatoes, and kale, mushrooms, carmalized onions and veggie sausage.
Soooo good.

IF WISHES WERE HOUSES

This is what I need and I could probably fund raise $4,000 but finding someone who would let me put it on their land or finding land I could afford without prohibitive permits and regulations would be difficult. I've run into the same problem with tiny house or RV living ideas.

If not me, huzzah for El Salvador!

THE INSOMNIAC'S KITCHEN GOT COOKING AFTER ALL

Well, I guess I did one thing today. I unfortunately slept through a birthday gathering that I had finally psyched myself up to go to. I always feel awkward because I don't have money to spend and everyone else will be eating and drinking, but I had planned to eat before I left and borrow money for a couple of beverages. Nope.

I woke up at 1PM, started to get up and somehow went back to sleep again, I woke up just before 5PM.

Artist In Residence offered to bang on my door tomorrow. Just thinking about that gave me anxiety. I told him, no. The last thing you should do to a person with PTSD is scare or startle them awake. I made him promise not to knock, but to try texting me instead. If I don't wake up, I don't wake up.

So today, what I accomplished was

A small snack
A teeny bit of writing
Got my car moved for street sweeping (Thank you Gladys)
Did a small walk, sat by the lake
Listened to 75% of a podcast episode
Made a fabulous dinner
Tried to do a PayPal payment for AIR but my PayPal has gone totally FUBAR again wanting me to prove my identity. My DL doesn't match my mailing address. Dammit!

By special request: Cheesy Pasta with meatballs a la Trader Joe's
with onion, yellow squash, eggplant and mushrooms.

Heh. That's how we roll.
Also, how we make sure my roommate is not actually a starving artist.

]]><![CDATA[Frustrated With Living In Dream Land]]>Sat, 21 Apr 2018 07:00:00 GMThttp://www.loreleimoon.net/dear-diary/frustrated-with-living-in-dream-landONCE AGAIN I SET MULTIPLE ALARMS TO NO AVAIL

I have no idea what time I fell asleep, but it had to be full on morning. I wanted to get up and join a friend painting and installing a memorial bench in a park but nope, I slept through or hit snooze on every alarm and kept dreaming, dreaming, dreaming. I feel like such a complete failure. My back was painful and stiff when I woke at nearly 5 PM

Determined to accomplish something I:

Took a shower
Put actual clothes on instead of just pajamas
Put on makeup and snapped a few selfies. I even played with a couple of wigs. Sometimes I do this just to sort of see myself as alive
Did a wee bit of FB scrolling and commenting
Posted a very depressed ranty apology . See Below.
Did succeed in fixing breakfast for dinner and it was quite good
Listened to a podcast
Talked to Artist In Residence for a bit, even joked around a little
worked on my blog
read a few paragraphs

Ok. In a list that sounds like a lot. Now I am tired. Why can't I sleep?

I feel like such a flakey friend! I want to be better!

I wish I could do more for my amazing friends! I feel so worthless sometimes. I hate having to ask for help instead of giving it. I am extremely depressed right now. This sleep disorder has me whipped. I'm sure that the two issues are doing a tango with each other that gives each more fuel.

I'm starting to wish I had a cat that would be annoying in the morning instead of The Bed Siren. When I wake up late in the afternoon or even in the evening and realize I have lost a WHOLE DAY again, it's profoundly depressing. I don't know how to turn this around.

In desperation I'm planning to talk to my doctor about antidepressants. Historically, they have not helped. In fact, they've usually made things worse, but I need to be more functional! I can't even talk to my doctor about this for a whole month! Even with the ACA, poor people don't have access to the same level of care, let alone timely medical testing and treatment.

When this disorder acts up I feel so incredibly lonely and isolated. I feel helpless because I can't wake myself up and I don't know when a cycle will end. I know I have many wonderful people that care about me in my life, but I hate not being able to see them because of health issues like this and because of poverty. I know I am a burden, not much fun, maybe downright boring. I used to be in a position to help other people, now I can't even help myself.

It kills me inside that I can't keep up with my blog posts regularly because I oversleep than have to scramble to get to commitments. I decline invitations constantly because I can't afford to participate or I'm afraid I won't wake up in time. Often there are things I wanted to take part or help people with, that I miss because I oversleep so I feel like I've let people down. Then I feel even more guilty when that person does kind things for me. Sometimes I even miss doctor appointments. I'm also in more pain than usual because obviously I haven't been moving for hours.

Though, I've never been able to completely solve this, things that have helped in the past were being able to actively participate in lots of things, having things to be excited about and look forward to. Right now I have very little to look forward to. Actually having enough money for expendable income helps that. Or knowing people who would just scoop me up and take me along was also helpful. One of the best things about my friendship with Molly was that she wanted to have adventures all the time and since I was game, she'd keep me busy. She would also wake my ass up if necessary. But that friendship has been destroyed by a selfish little rabbit....so. Despite the terrible things she's done in support of that narcissist I will always be grateful for my time didn't with Molly.

Having a regular romantic partner also helped. If they stayed over or lived with me they would usually be my alarm clock. (I've thought about asking my roommate to wake me up but I think it would just be too weird. I think it would make him uncomfortable.) In addition, regular sex was amazing medicine. It released endorphins that dramatically helped with my chronic pain. I also tend to follow my partner's sleep schedule and I will slip into their cycle. I think years of partners who went to bed and woke early helped me keep jobs. I don't have any real relationship or partner prospects and I'm not going to meet anyone if I don't get out much or if I'm asleep.

It's a terrible thing to not have much control over the way you live your life. My quality of life and my participation in it, is contingent on many things that I cannot control; my level of pain, other people, money, opportunity. I worry about what my mental health state is going to be like when I finally lose my cat.

More than likely, I don't have a lot of life left. I really don't want to sleep through it. I want to be living it. Aaargh. Anyway, I don't mean to be a downer, a bore or a flake. I just have severe limitations at the moment. Please forgive me.

PS: Though this depression is deep, don't worry, I am not considering suicide at the moment. But I do want to encourage you to actually check in with friends who are acting different, having a tough time, seem quiet, angry, isolated; at risk. Reach out to them and listen. That's way more helpful than just posting suicide hotline info. Thanks.

]]><![CDATA[Trying To Breathe]]>Wed, 26 Apr 2017 07:00:00 GMThttp://www.loreleimoon.net/dear-diary/trying-to-breatheYES! Queen of Katwe is on Netflix now. I missed it in the theaters.
Also, Secret Life of Pets, my favorite Happy Place cartoon!
Oh Queen of Katwe was soooo good! I always know a film will be wonderful with Mira Nair at the helm! The whole cast is perfection!

Just under 2 blocks walk to my walk to my car wore me out and of course, caused a coughing fit, but I got to my therapy appointment EARLY and managed not to cough through the whole thing. Progress!
Now to go pick up a prescription and buy soup!

Stay tuned for reason #572 why my new therapist is awesome sauce!

]]><![CDATA[Sick & Miserable but Getting By With A Little Help From My Friends]]>Sun, 23 Apr 2017 07:00:00 GMThttp://www.loreleimoon.net/dear-diary/sick-miserable-but-getting-by-with-a-little-help-from-my-friendsI NEED THE DRUGS!

Trying to sort things out and come up with a plan for the next few days. I am literally so sick of being sick. That stupid prescription cough syrup is worthless! Even though I was really sleepy I was up all night coughing instead. Then I finally fell asleep late morning and slept all day!

I wish I could just relax and let my body do what it needs to without worrying about how I'm going to cover food and medicine or how much I've spent already. I'm officially out of the OTC stuff that was helping. I'm almost out of food.

I desperately want to take a real shower but I'm so dizzy that I've had several close calls where I'd have fallen for sure if I hadn't had something to grab onto! My neuropathy is flaring. My poor joints and muscles ache because they want to exercise but all I can manage is gentle stretching. I haven't been this sick for a long time that's for sure!

THREE DAMN WEEKS!

I have a tiny bit of money and I am trying to figure out how to use it in the most effective way. I'm also afraid that I won't be well enough by Wednesday to do my dog walk which will mean I flat out have no grocery money for the rest of the month. Having to worry about stuff like this sure can't be helping me get better!

I was thinking I would just take what I have and go to the store tomorrow, get the smallest box of Mucinex DM I could find and spend whatever I have left on cans of soup. But being so dizzy, I don't feel safe driving so now I'm thinking it might be more practical to stay home and have a couple large Chinese soups delivered. That helped so much last week and I got about 5 days worth of food.

Update: A kind friend ordered my meds through Amazon so now I just have to worry about food!

SCIENCE!!!

Well, the cats are happier now. Fed, watered and scooped. And I just had a meal brought to me by SCIENCE! And I say, all hail the mighty preservatives.

I stopped buying Trader Joe's bagels because they would mold way too quickly, supposedly because they don't use preservatives. I bought some Sara Lee bagels a couple weeks ago but I've been so sick I haven't wanted bread.

Today I woke up craving bread so I pulled out the bag, dreading green bread, and they were ok! Now I'm happily chewing on a buttery multigrain bagel and sipping green tea. And I can even taste it just a little! Huzzah!

Today's science lesson: All preservatives aren't bad. Sara Lee uses Calcium Propionate which is a calcium salt. If you were to consume large quantities of it, yes it's toxic, but the amount used in baked goods just keeps mold and bacteria at bay.

And here is where the difference between SCIENCE and pseudoscience propaganda looms large! Because they will tell you all preservatives are bad while science overwhelmingly tells us that preservatives in bread have saved lives. Part of the reasons people are anti vaccine is because they don't remember what life was like living with these horrible diseases. Well, few of us remember how many people died from moldy or bacterial contaminated bread!

CATS

Only Buj Buj knows why she is yelling at me right now.

She's been fed; chicken and lobster, no less. She's even had a cuddle. How can such a plush beast with such a cute little face make so much noise? Damn Siamese ancestry!

Buj Buj is actually Burmese and they are generally much quieter but I guess she didn't get the memo. She starts blaring and it's like a cross between Bette Davis and an air raid siren. I am not exaggerating!

]]><![CDATA[Sick, But Friends To The Rescue!]]>Sun, 23 Apr 2017 07:00:00 GMThttp://www.loreleimoon.net/dear-diary/sick-but-friends-to-the-rescueWhen People Can Send Me Drugs Via Amazon.....

Trying to sort things out and come up with a plan for the next few days. I am literally so sick of being sick. That stupid prescription cough syrup is worthless! Even though I was really sleepy I was up all night coughing instead. Then I finally fell asleep late morning and slept all day!

I wish I could just relax and let my body do what it needs to without worrying about how I'm going to cover food and medicine or how much I've spent already. I'm officially out of the OTC stuff that was helping. I'm almost out of food.

I desperately want to take a real shower but I'm so dizzy that I've had several close calls where I'd have fallen for sure if I hadn't had something to grab onto! My neuropathy is flaring. My poor joints and muscles ache because they want to exercise but all I can manage is gentle stretching. I haven't been this sick for a long time that's for sure! Three damn weeks!
Waah!

I have a tiny bit of money and I am trying to figure out how to use it in the most effective way. I'm also afraid that I won't be well enough by Wednesday to do my dog walk which will mean I flat out have no grocery money for the rest of the month. Having to worry about stuff like this sure can't be helping me get better!

I was thinking I would just take what I have and go to the store tomorrow, get the smallest box of Mucinex DM I could find and spend whatever I have left on cans of soup. But being so dizzy, I don't feel safe driving so now I'm thinking it might be more practical to stay home and have a couple large Chinese soups delivered. That helped so much last week and I got about 5 days worth of food.

Update: A kind friend (ND) ordered my meds through Amazon so now I just have to worry about food!

6pm

Hooray! Thank you for buying my meds! Now I can use the little bit of $cratch I have for food.

722PM

Well, the cats are happier now. Fed, watered and scooped. And I just had a meal brought to me by SCIENCE! And I say, all hail the mighty preservatives.

I stopped buying Trader Joe's bagels because they would mold way too quickly, supposedly because they don't use preservatives. I bought some Sara Lee bagels a couple weeks ago but I've been so sick I haven't wanted bread.

Today I woke up craving bread, so I pulled out the bag, dreading green bread, but they were ok! Now I'm happily chewing on a buttery, multigrain bagel and sipping green tea. I can even taste it just a little! Huzzah!

Today's science lesson: All preservatives aren't bad. Sara Lee uses Calcium propionate, which is a calcium salt. If you were to consume large quantities of it, yes it's toxic, but the amount used in baked goods just keeps mold and bacteria at bay.

And here is where the difference between SCIENCE and pseudoscience propaganda looms large! Because they will tell you all preservatives are bad, while science overwhelmingly tells us that preservatives in bread have saved lives. Part of the reasons people are anti vaccine is because they don't remember what life was like living with these horrible diseases. Well, few of us remember how many people died from moldy or bacterial contaminated bread!

Dear Past Lorelei: You can stay on your soapbox.
People get even dumber!

736pm

Only Buj Buj knows why she is yelling at me right now.

She's been fed, chicken and lobster in a can, no less. She's even had a cuddle. How can such a plush little beastie, with such a cute little face make so much noise? Damn Siamese ancestry!

Buj Buj is actually Burmese and they are generally much quieter, but I guess she didn't get the memo. She starts blaring and it's like a cross between Bette Davis and an air raid siren. I am not exaggerating!

Dear Past Lorelei: We miss that loud fuzzball

1246 AM
By special request (By Me): Cheesy Pasta with meatballs a la Trader Joe's: onion, yellow squash, eggplant and mushrooms.
#theinsomniacskitchen #morebetterpopeoplecooking
#thingsimadeyouwishyouate #pastacoma #cheeseplease

Future Lorelei wants that NOW, Dammit!

]]><![CDATA[Sick Day: Netflix and Weird Dreams]]>Sat, 22 Apr 2017 07:00:00 GMThttp://www.loreleimoon.net/dear-diary/sick-day-netflix-and-weird-dreamsDOCTOR'S ORDERS

Well, my doc said bed rest. I just slept for 13 hours. Does that count?
Also, Thrilled so many friends got out and about for SCIENCE today!
Wanted to march for science but also want to stay out of the hospital.

WHAT'S ON TV?

Netflix while sick. Shetland is so very good! Ingobernable is addictive! Ooh and Bill Nye is just taking on EVERYTHING! Hunter Pence guest spot for the win!

That moment when you wake up and your lungs are blissfully calm ...
UNTIL
you sit up and cough for ten fecking minutes! Waah.

FEVER DREAMS

Sick dreams always come with extra weirdness. Sleeping more than half a day gives you time for a lot of them! I had several dreams about moving or looking for housing which is a typical anxiety dream for me, as you might guess.

In one, I was going to move to Walnut Creek (only in a dream) because I found a place with miraculously low rent. Also, in dream, Walnut Creek had snow and bears!

The lady actually had two apartments, a studio and a one bedroom. The studio wasn't for rent except the landlady mentioned the person moving out of the other apartment might come back to use the studio as an art studio. She had been really close to the guy who used to rent it but he passed away. The one bedroom was really cute so I agreed on a move in date.

When I came to move in though, the woman had decided not to move out of the one bedroom but no one had told me. I could rent the studio but it didn't have a stove and it wasn't ready. The old tenant's stuff was still there and on top of everything else, turns out he had committed suicide in there. The room was tiny, dark, felt awful. There was a mottled green shag carpet that needed to be pulled because it had been "soiled" when he died.

He has this amazing, Bosch like collage that took up one entire wall with a huge Illuminati eye in the center and he had Tiki stuff all over. It was an odd conglomeration. Needless to say, I decided to go back and renegotiate with my current landlord (in the dream) to keep my place.

It was Christmas, so my friends and I decided to go shopping. There was this huge escalator tram thing that went up to all the stores because this was dream Walnut Creek. So we got on and at our stop the Tram lady let everyone out then told me I had to squeeze out some tiny kids door and when I couldn't, she laughed and fat shamed me.

I remember one other dream where me and my friend Steven were hunting for something. I think it was a big crystal. We went into a cave and just as we found it, this little Gollum type person with long raggedy hair came and snatched it then went through this trick door at the back of the cave. We figured out how to work the door and went after!

As we got deeper in the cave it was like someone had created all these fake sets. There was an icy cavern made of foam core, cardboard rocks, etc. We still hadn't found our crystal or the crazy creature that took it. We finally got down into a more open area and there were rows of stone huts along the back wall, except they were made of cardboard. We each took a side. Steven got excited over a big ceramic chalice he found that looked fabulously demonic. But that wasn't what we came for.

Suddenly, the little creature came running out at us at full speed. I knocked his legs out from under him and after some wrestling we got him tied up with some handy duct tape. We found our crystal and then started the discussion of whether we should leave him and worse, what if there were more like him down there.

So we ended up taking him up top with us, then we knocked him out and cut his hands loose. That's all I remember. Don't know what we did with the crystal.

Yeah. Sick dreams.

GOTTA EAT!

On a normal day this would be a little feast but I can't taste any of it. :-(The fruit is kind of dry, especially the blueberries because they are old. Trying to use milk in my tea all day because it's at the end of its, "use by" date. And dumping half a carton of milk is like dumping cash down the drain.

I have a little Chinese soup leftover, two cans of soup and just a little bit of medicine left. I'm craving cookies and chocolate so I guess my body wants sugar. What's THAT all about? I want to take a shower with lots of steam but I'm too dizzy. Scooping two of the four cat boxes nearly killed me. I can only imagine what full smellovision would've been like!

By Monday I'll have to get out of bed and get to the store no matter what the doc says or find a minion with money. Being sick means no work which means no grocery money. Such a grand adventure!

LATINX DRAMATIX

I've got to take a break from Ingobernable for a bit. My eyes are too bleary for subtitles and I can only take so many Latino tv style long, dramatic, memory replay trope, scene breaks.

*gasp* Split second decision: should she shoot or should she run? Five minute montage of all the times he's saved her followed by two seconds of she shoots gun, blows shit up, saves him they run.

So, I'm probably gonna watch about twenty minutes of Bill Nye Saves the World before I fall asleep and have more weird sick dreams.

SCIENCE!

Boy oh boy. I know a lot of peeps who would be really peeved by Bill Nye's show on alternative medicine. And don't even get me started on your irrational fear of all GMOs, another episode worth watching!

I've been thinking a lot about this.

Either you come down on the side of science or you come down on the side of self indulgent foolishness. It's really hard to thoroughly believe in alternative medicine AND support science.

Now I believe some alternative therapies may have benefit either because of placebo effect or because they haven't been thoroughly scientifically tested. When I use something like small amounts of tumeric, I know it might help but that it also won't hurt me. When I hold a crystal I know that the benefit is probably psychological. I'm willing to admit it might be worthless.

But, I know many people who swear by something they "know" works merely by anecdote and who firmly believe all sorts of unscientific woo while proclaiming their support of science and wailing that our government is becoming anti-science.

Maybe it's time for some self examination. Can have it both ways? Are you part of the problem? Are you closer to the climate change deniers than you want to be?

Just thinkin'

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