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Every Day Brings New Opportunities for Magic, Learning, Humility, Gratitude, Laughter OH, and A NEW WEBSITE!

8/27/2012

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I am so behind on blog posts! I currently have three in progress that need to be finished and posted (One on Oshun, that comes with a pancake recipe, another, in part, deals with processing the easiest romantic split I’ve ever made, and one is on magical houses) AND NOW I am working on a new website, a joint venture between myself and Molly Blue Dawn! It is the process of working on this new project that spurred this bit of writing on and into completion! (yaay! I completed something!)

Something happened this past weekend that for lack of a better word, I found "interesting.".Some might look at it as informative, but the only substantive thing I can really take from it is that people think  highly of my friend Molly and I already knew that! Still, I surprised myself in two ways; first, that truly old insecure habits of thinking are not so easily rid of and secondly, I am getting so much better at working through what makes me cringe. Most of the time these days I have a genuine strong sense of self, that "Empress Dammit," that while sensitive to other people's feelings finds their critical opinions of her fairly insignificant.

So, as you read this post, you may think I am off on a rant or feeling sorry for myself. That's not the case. My hopes in exposing my most vulnerable self as well as my process of recovery from, after years of trauma and abuse at the hands of those I should have been able to trust, a very unhappy life is that even one person reading this will know that they are not alone. There is hope. There is happiness in self knowledge and joy in recovery!


Some of us go through life always feeling like that unpopular kid, the last one picked for the team, the only one uninvited to the party. Everything feels personal.  This can come from years of domestic violence, chronic criticism from those close to us or one traumatic event such as a sexual assault that brought our world crashing down. Or our self esteem may have been slowly crushed by nothing so dramatic. I seek to help those who constantly question their worth by comparing themselves to others, feel as if nothing they ever do is enough, or that no one sees them for who they are. 


This is my process of claiming myself. This is my process of breaking through some deeply embedded negative programming! If writing about these things can help ANYONE, it is worth it.

So, buckle up, this blog goes several places. There's exciting news and creative ventures, and interesting (at least to me) observations that lead to some heavier fare.
  
*As usual, there are a lot of little linky "Easter Eggs" that may take you off on a tangent if you like. Some are fun, some are a bit "blue" and not for everyone so be warned.

Here we go!

TRUMPET FANFARE!!!!!

Molly and I have had a website idea in the works for some time. I bought the domain name we wanted over a year ago and it’s been “that thing we are planning” for way too long. So, this past weekend, I vowed to at least get the page up and running! Now we’ll be forced to work on content if we don’t want it languishing!


Information! I  Want Information!


While working on the bios, since Molly wasn't there to tell me what she thought was important, I decided to put a post on Facebook asking people who know Molly well to give me some information on accomplishments of hers   I might have missed and anything they thought worth mentioning. I got an amazing flood of rich commentery in response. Since most of it was about her character and people's experiences with her and much was perfectly worded, I got the idea to keep our bios as is, but also to add a "What people have to say about ..." section at the end. 


Of course this meant that I would need to do the same thing for my bio, so I threw it out there, shortly after I posted about Molly, tagging a lot of the same people as well as some who have known and worked with me for years. The response was dramaticly different. Let's just say, people didn't have much to say, or much of substance to say about me. They did have nice things to say, but, results ranged from comments on how pretty my photo was, to jokes, to simple answers with one or two basic compliments from some of the same people who gave Molly a paragraph. 



This may sound like a "sour grapes" attitude, but no, for whatever reason one round of comments was a flood the other a trickle.

Granted, some of these people have known Molly much longer than they’ve known me, but I thought they knew me pretty well. If someone asked me to say something about any of the people who I asked for comments, I could  and would certainly do more than a generalized sentence. Maybe that's just another thing that makes me different from most people. I really know the impact a comment or compliment can have so I tend not to skimp! Some of the briefest responses came from people who I've gone through hell AND high water for and from people who have seen me continuously be of help to others despite going through the worst of personal circumstances. 

The point was not to force me to balance out  the "Things people have to say about Molly" section by "making up" equally weighted compliments about my character for the “Things people have to say about Lorelei”  portion. In the past, people just saying I was pretty in a picture would have sent me over the moon! Now I appreciate it, but not so much when I’m looking for something of more substance that I can post on a bio! Surely people know my character and deeds by now!  

So, the experience left me: 
  • A bit frustrated
  • A bit curious. Why did I get such vastly different responses?
  • A bit vexed as my old insecurities started to pop up
  • A bit warm and fuzzy about some of the nice things that were said
  • A bit amused by some of the comments that weren't what I was looking for.

The Empress Dammit ,
On Learning How To Accept Results 
You Had Rather Not.....

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In the past, I would have been crushed after reading. Despite people actually having said quite nice things about me, I wouldn't have been able too digest that part of it. I would have only felt the lack and very little else. I would have  internalized it into a turbulent stew in my gut that would have carried on for days!  

Thankfully, now that I have “The Empress Dammit” attitude, I'm not feeling hurt or slighted or reading things into this as I would have in the past.  (This is not to say, I didn't have to go through a little process in order to come to that point as you'll see when you read on) I didn't really get what I needed and that is the crux of it. I don't need to make up a personal reason to explain why I didn't get what I needed.

I remain more than a smidge curious about the reasons why people didn't extol many of the virtues I'd like to think, they think I have, when they knew  I was “listening.” And I’m kind of disappointed that the inequity in feedback will prevent me from doing  the things with the bios that were inspired by those wonderful comments about Molly. I think it would have been swell! 

In all honesty, it was hard not to make comparisons, impossible not to pause and hold a comment like,  "A woman of the highest, more precise integrity!" said about Molly  (and so very true) up against, "bunnies love you!" and "such a lovely smile"  (Also true, just not nearly as impressive) and not deflate for a minute! 

How do I respond to this "feedback?" Is there any need to? I thought I was putting much more out into the world and to have what is mirrored back be so out of focus instaed of what I expected makes me want to question if I am doing enough. Yet, there are so many times when people see me so clearly and I know I am on the absolute right path! 

 I have to admit that for that first moment, I saw the disparity between the comments and thought, "I guess I have to try harder." Try harder to do what? Be a better person? To be taken more seriously? Do more for people? Do a better job of being seen and heard? What? What do I have to do?


Oh goodness! While I will always want to do more to improve things for others! I have to say, I am doing just fine! I'm working hard. I'm seeing progress. i'm even getting close to some of my goals. "I'm good enough, and I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!" 


Molly and I are both fabulous people. Molly deserves all that praise!  If I think I deserved higher praise than I got, It doesn't follow that I should measure MYSELF by other people's opinions of MOLLY!
 
I’m still working on it, but I realize I have come a long way in not taking things personally. Molly would be the first to remind me that,  no information is exactly that, no information.  

First off,  it's Facebook. 


People might see your post or tag or they might not. They might intend to comment and then other things (hopefully real life) will distract them. We can’t know why people respond (or don't) the way they do (or don't). The response or lack thereof  is only part of the info. 


It could be that people have plenty of nice things to say about me, but they feel awkward when I am the one asking them for the info. Perhaps the results might have been different if Molly had put the same question out about me to the community. Perhaps not. 

It could be that despite all I do, people really don't SEE me after all. I hope that’s not the case. It could mean or not mean a whole lot of things, but until I get the actual info all it means is I can’t include all those lovely things that people said because it would be glaringly odd to have one bio gushing with compliments and the other iced with lighter fare.

Ultimately, I'm grateful for all the comments people made and for another opportunity to learn.  And, even though The Empress is entitled to make judgement, I'm accepting all comments as what they are, gifts given freely and with good will. I may not be able to use them on the website but my heart can make very good use of them. Thank you all for your kind words and willingness to help!


News! Glorious News!

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I was relieved to find out Molly is happy with the bios as is and doesn’t feel the need to add anything more at the moment! So the website is GO! Check it out HERE! We’d love your feedback. Give us ideas. Let us know how it looks on your browser, etc!  

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In other news, I have started a new feature which will share magical recipes from The Insomniac’s Kitchen. Each has step by step directions. Eventually, Molly and I will make You Tube videos of these recipes and post them on our site as well. You can see the first post HERE! It's, "Bring Me Some Sweetness Pancakes" for Love, Health and Prosperity! I make a lot of pancakes. It's kind of like Waitress, but with pancakes instaed of pies!

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I also tend bar for Bay Area Gothic events and make a lot of my own cocktail recipes. I am working on a menu page people can check out before events. You can take a gander at the progress HERE!  

Come to the dark side! We serve our cupcakes with rum drinks!

Warning! You could get tipsy just reading the page!
  


Just The Posts Maam!

 Here are the transcripts of the two Facebook posts I made. This is also an opportunity for me to post publicly, the AWESOME things (all very true) that people said about Molly! In each post I tagged about 27 people, many of them were the same. We have a lot of friends in common. Molly is not on Facebook. 


* I have omitted the names to respect the privacy of the friends who made posts!

The post about Molly got 23 "likes" and four people left  fantastic comments! I got 11 "likes” and comments from 10 people, including my mom who I had not tagged (Thanks Mom) and several people who don’t know me, but are friends of the people I tagged. Rather than compare them and say I had kind of an epic fail, yet not a total fail, I say, eh, it’s Fac-E-Book! 


Digression Opportunity: Why does Molly call it Fac-E Book? Watch THIS

Post 1: In WhichMolly is Fabulous!

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The funny thing about working on a bio page is you suddenly realize you've done a whole heck of a lot in your life! It's like a resume, but not nearly as frustrating! The trick becomes paring it down, and doing that third person thing without sounding ridiculous! Molly is happy with what's there, but I don't think it's quite right so Molly Blue Dawn admirers, please let me know a few things I might want to make sure she gets credit for! What does she need credit for, what does she do/know that's amazing? 


On the list so far, CAYA, You Tube, Laughter Yoga, Anthropology, ritual theater, work with pagan organizations, tarot.. So, what else? 


PERSON 1: Permissions! She gives lovely permissions. She tells people all the fun things to do!

(This is in reference to Molly’s wonderful blog, “The Wishbringer” which posts bay area events weeky and also has a feature, “Permission to”)

Lorelei Moon YES! PERSON1! I did mention her blog and there is a link to it!

PERSON 1:  She's a fabulous welcomer. She makes it look so easy to greet you and make sure you feel at home in a new situation, and then she makes you feel glad you came back. And by "you" I of course mean "me."

(This also, is so true. Go to an event and Molly is often the first person to greet you, hug you, andmake you instantly feel at home!

PERSON 2: Friend to children, babysitter extraordinaire, and fairy of serendipity!


Lorelei Moon Ooh, PERSON 1, I like the way you word that. And it is something I would like to get across! Thanks!

PERSON 3 · 19 mutual friends
A veritable font of information and a fantastic hugger!

Lorelei Moon OMG! Yes! I must include the hugging! Perhaps we should have a little “what people have to say about us”  section after the so called serious list of accomplishments. Hmmm.

PERSON 4: A woman of the highest, more precise integrity, a fantastic writer, an incredible storyteller, the geek who knows everything, someone who truly loves you even when she is being stern with you, a thrift store genius, full of excellent health information, a beautiful ecstatic dancer, a great drummer, a wonderful priestess!

(True x10!)

Lorelei Moon So, looking at this I am now thinking perhaps I will have the blurb of interests and accomplishments followed by "what people have to say about Molly" I think that might be fun. 

Post 2: In Which A Whole Lot of,Well Not Much, Happens 
but People Do Have Some Nice Things To Say About Me.

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Okay, with a bit of trepidation, I guess it's my turn on this bio thing! I'm including a bunch of things I do and have done magically and musically, my work with animals, theater, art, anthropology, bartending and of course my blogs. So friends and colleagues what do you think someone coming across the bios on our page should know about my accomplishments & personally? This is a huge help, everyone! Thanks! 

PERSON 5: Nice...necklace.

(This is someone whose work I admire and we joke around on each other’s pages frequently)

PERSON 6: · (8 Mutual Friends ) What a cute pic! such a lovely smile!

Lorelei Moon Uh, Will, that's not exactly what I was looking for, but thanks.

Lorelei Moon Ack! It's a Stuart Smalley moment! "I am just a fool.. I.. I don't know what I'm doing.. they're gonna cancel the show.. I'm gonna die homeless and penniless and twenty pounds overweight..  and no one will ever love me.." 


Nobody's going to have ANYTHING to say about me are they?

PERSON 7: that pic is soooooo you!! i love it!!!

(While I appreciate the compliment on the picture, PERSON 7 is someone I know well. i  really admire her and we’ve both been there for each other in tough situations so I was surprised she didn't say more.)


Lorelei Moon Ok, I may have made a grave mistake here! (oh gosh, there's an unintended pun as this photo was taken in a cemetery) I appreciate all the comments on the photo (oh heck I love a compliment and I will save it for my next shitty day) but what I was hoping for was content for my "About Lorelei Moon" bio section on Molly's and my site.

PERSON 8: That when it comes to singing Fleetwood Mac....no one compares!!! Hahahaha

(PERSON 8 met me at a party where Molly and I sang and danced to most of a Fleetwood Mac album and it was a blast! Our joint mission on FB seems to be making each other laugh, frequently!)  

Lorelei Moon: ‎PERSON 8,  when I was younger I sang very low (could even sing base) and my band used to push me to do Fleetwood Mac & Stevie Nicks songs so I learned to do a pretty good fake. It helped that I was a little gypsy witch who loved shawls and fabric. Now my range has stretched a bit and I have to work to do it!

Person 9: (2 Mutual Friends)
can't wait to check it out!

(She had originally typed that she had checked it out, hence my response)

Lorelei Moon
Person 9  what did you check out? Or was that just a misstype? I haven't given the link yet for the new site. Or did you mean my current web site? www,loreleimoon.net which also needs yet more work! It never ends!


Person 9:  I meant I checked out your page...forgive me, I am a little tired & goofy right now..LOL!

Person 1; You are vivacious. You are good at asking for what you need and being thankful when you get it. You are a good appreciator. (Did I spell that right?)

(Person 1 as in Molly’s comments. Thanks Person 1! This is a woman I like and admire greatly and I know she means it!)

Person 10:  What a great picture.

(Person 10 is someone who doesn’t know me well yet,but has observed me working pretty hard and definitely knows some things about me so I was glad she added more!)

Person 10: You are honest, a good communicator, and very generous.

Person 4:  You have an unflagging cheerful disposition, and bunnies love you!

(There’s some irony in this as Person 4 and I have had some disagreements about my being negative in the past but I think she gets me now! Huzzah! The next one, made my day!”)

Person 11:  Always able to find the bright side of even the worst situations, pet caretaker extraordinaire, voluptuous siren, The Empress Dammit.

My Mom:  Intellectually curious and open-minded, brave, adaptable, friendly.

(Thanks Mom! I’m surprised she didn’t say something about my always being willing to try things and go places she’d be afraid to. This is one of the nice things my mom says. She thinks I am brave!)



(And Here is where it just disintegrates to silly. I give up!)

PERSON 5
: Likes sick, twisted books about mermaids and zombies.

Lorelei Moon: ‎PERSON 5, Yes,  I m a sick twisted mermaid who is a zombie before she gets her coffee!

PERSON 5: THERE IT IS! I knew I could coax it out of you!

 (That last bit, just may need to go on my bio after all!)

The Sound Clip below sums it all up nicely! Thanks Gilda Radner! Now Press the Play arrow below!
Always learning and always with gratitude!
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And Now For Something Really Different!

6/20/2012

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The always elegant, James Tuttle who would probably even look classy in Daisy Dukes!
On a lighter note for a change,  I have to enthusiastically put in a plug for Jame's Tuttle's recent fashion blog on men’s shorts,  The Short's List 2012!  Yes, I want you to read someone else’s blog! (In fact, several other people's blogs, if you are inspired  to check out the links following this little ramble.) 


Hey, wait a minute! After you read mine, of course!

What is there to be said about men’s shorts, you ask? Well, evidently  in Tuttle’s usual brilliant and witty style, plenty!  Did you know that blazers with shorts are a fashion trend right now, though no one seems to be wearing this look (thank Goddess) including the designer promoting it? Do you know that hipsters
 “coordinate” their flannel shirts with their denim shorts? Did you know that only gay men should be allowed to wear short shorts? I was inclined to agree  until I thought about some of the gay men I’ll see if I go to SF Pride this weekend who should NOT be wearing short shorts and some who really should NOT be walking around naked either, but that’s Pride for you; anything goes! Some of it is fabulous and some of it you just have to back slowly away from and work on your denial skills!

But, don’t just read this blog passively. Sure, you’ll get a few giggles, but you might learn something if  you click his link promising "a more in depth look into the world of jean shorts”  
(warning it doesn’t open in a separate window so if you take this excursion remember to click back on your browser and finish reading Tuttle), look at the slide show with the commentary on each style to  see if you agree  (Sorry, those bandana print and horizontal striped shorts have to goooo but yes, those shoes are cool!) then, read on for a review of the new Dallas.

I’m debating whether or not to send a link to my housemate, “Futuro Padre Episcopal,” who says he doesn’t read blogs. He basically LIVES in Bermuda shorts all year round. Clearly, he cares about comfort more than fashion! This picture is not my housemate, but you get the idea! Something has clearly gone wrong here.

I don’t read James' blogs religiously, but I do read them all! He’s prolific so sometimes I wait until a few compile and go on a reading binge where I do actually LOL quite a bit!

James is one of a few former schoolmates who managed to “escape” my home town (whose point of distinction according to Wikipedia is its prison, "
the first prison actively solicited by a community in the state of California. "  and actually make something brilliant of themselves! (The Jury’s still out on me!)  I’m sure  he looks fabulous in short shorts. From photos one can see he’s one of those beautiful people who look good in just about everything or nothing! (I can only presume) Add talented, smart, funny and good hearted to the equation and ladies everywhere will want to run straight for the Kleenex box because he’s both gay and taken!

Huzzah, James! I’ve been reading his blogs for just over a year now and they've given me a laugh and distraction  in times that were so dark it seemed impossible to find either.  His writing consistently transcends the running themes of fashion, gay men and reality TV. He is always topical and funny! By the way, did I mention his blog  is funny? 

I really, really hope he writes a book someday! Fiction, non-fiction; any subject will do! I know it will be worth reading!


And while I'm plugging other people's blogs:


  • I was delighted to see that my dear friend, The Wishbringer, Molly Blue Dawn; a walking inspiration, has gone beyond her usual weekly listing of other people's events and has started sharing her own thoughts and inspirations! Here is a wonderful essay on  giving yourself, " Permission to be New! "
  • I'd also encourage you to take a stroll through some of Yeshe Rabbit's recent writings at her Way of the Rabbit Blog, Recent topics include exciting news about where you can find more of her writing, a wonderful piece about Loreon Vigne, the founder of Isis Oasis, who just turned 95! and thoughts on Oshun and the Transit of Venus.
  • My favorite go to blog for laughing out loud, very loudly; The Bloggess! I recommend going back through the archives. (Take a week) Click on every link in every blog and you'll be on a tangent of delightful hysteria, (You'll also know why so many of us want Nathan Fillion to pose with a ball of twine, how funny a taxidermied  squirrel can be, and why I want my own metal chicken named Beyonce! Start with this recent blog about tweeting quotes from unknowns!
  • And if you wish to read something a little more serious, try A Noir Perspective. Jeremy's  been writing from some very personal places lately.  His thought's on who is really family to you resonates with me and his memories of the LA Riots bring that time right back to me!

Other Relevant Links:

  • In case you missed the link in the text above, here's The Short's List!
  • James' Blog Archive 
  • That link from James with a history of denim shorts 
  • And combining a very silly loo at both short shorts and denim shorts, here's an ad for Wrangler Tiny Jeans shorts!


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Just for fun, here's a picture of ME in shorts as a lettergirl for The Buccaneers, in high school!

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Strength

5/29/2012

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In February, I had the rewarding experience of participating in a production of, Oracles of Living Tarot. at 2012 PantheaCon

In this theater event each major arcana card is represented. We all write and perform our own monologues. We do our best to bring the cards to life and each year the message each card brings is different. This year a lot of us had very personal stories to share.

The order of performance is determined by the audience who draws the cards in random order. 

After this past year and as a culmination of my life thus far, the Strength card really resonates with me.

Also, this year, we again  had an interactive Fool which really helped as a foil for the heaviness of my presentation. 

I'd like to share my monologue with you here. I hope it inspires you.


Strength Monologue:

(Strength comes out to Kelly Clarkson's, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" Instead of a lion, Strength is carrying ChocoCat from Hello Kitty. The Fool pesters Strength as she walks out. Strength, clearly frustrated and tired does her best to fend the Fool off.)

Strength: 

That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger? (shouts) Ha!

Things have been really tough for a lot of us these days! 

Sometimes it's circumstances. Bad luck.Sometimes we make poor choices that bring pain and chaos into our lives.

Sometimes life hands you a "shit sandwich!"

(Fool puts a sandwich in Strength's hand. Strength gives the Fool a WTF? pissed off expression and looks at the sandwich in her hand with disgust)

And sometimes life continues to force feed you "shit sandwiches" until you decide you don't want to eat shit anymore and you learn to say, "No thank you." 

(Hands sandwich back to the Fool) 

Well, the "Shit Sandwich" life handed me was a "submarine." From the age of three I experienced just about every kind of abuse you can imagine. This continued into my adult life because I had not learned that I didn't deserve it. (Self esteem is a recent discovery of mine. ) And, I didn't know how to avoid it;I had not known any other way. I was eternally spinning on a wheel of "bad fortune!"

Long list, but just to name a few: Rape, incest, domestic violence, life threatening health issues, chronic pain, financial worries, car trouble, legal trouble; really, really bad love decisions!

For a long time I thought I was strong because I had learned to endure. Then I realized that Strength is about making choices.

Things came to a head when I made the choice to give up a relationship where I had financial stability rather than lose my life at the hands of an alcoholic with an anger management problem.

That choice led to the worst year of my life; extreme poverty, homelessness, humiliation, learning to keep asking for help even when people clearly wanted me and my problems to go away, well meaning people wanting to help and actually making my situation worse, predatory people taking advantage of my vulnerable situation and lots of unsolicited advice and commentary.

Some of my favorites:

  • "It's been two weeks. You have a job and a new place to live & everything's just fine now right?" 
  • "It's only stuff. Let it go." 
  • "God doesn't give you anything you can't handle." 
  • "Maybe the universe is trying to teach you a lesson here. Could you have made better choices?" 
  • "Let Go. Let Goddess."

The worst year of my life culminated in the loss of nearly all of my possessions.

You may be thinking, "Wow! That transmission repair my car needs and the broken washing machine don't seem so bad right now!" Or, "What's she bitching about? I have terminal cancer!"

All pain is equal in the eyes of the universe. Your pain is as real to you as mine is to me.

We have choices. Strength is how we choose to deal with that pain. 

(Holding up ChocoCat) 

Sometimes you need to let the lion roar a bit. Stand up for yourself! Speak your truth!

(Cradles Chococat and puts a finger on his mouth) 

Most of the time, it's best to be calm, quiet and let your truth shine out from within.

Strength is making the choice to dig deep within yourself no matter how hard it is and find what you need to push on through!

I've made the choice to put that "shit sandwich" to good use, as fertilizer. And finally, some beautiful flowers are starting to bloom.


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Beautiful Rose blooming in the parking lot of the West Oakland Post Office. Flowers find a way to grow in even the most oppressive environments.
Here are some links to writings on the web about the 2012 Oracles From The Living Tarot. from  participants and some nclude their monologues:

  • Yeshe Rabbit includes her unusual, witty and wonderful, Wheel of Fortune" piece here!
  • Derik Cowan's Post  P-Con debrief. Derik is an OLT veteran and directed this year's presentation as well  as portraying The Magician in an oh so wonderful way as a whirling dervish to Queen's, A Kind of Magic! 
  • Dr. Hayden Reynolds, talks about his P-Con experiences as a  member of the Circle of Dionysos, including this year's ritual theater production of , A Modern Dionysian Initiation (A different twist on the Rocky Horror Picture Show) and includes his monologue for The Hierophant also!

Below are some various depictions of the Strength card. I don't have links or info on all of them and some don't come from completed decks. If you recognize an image, please clue me in! If you click on the image I have lined it to an associated website whenever possible!
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8/08/2012 adding some  additional thoughts relevant to this post. My amazing friend Molly recently introduced me to You Tube Video Blogger, Myles Dyer. He echoes my thoughts about pain being relative, that no one's experience of pain is trumped by another. Myles puts forth some very funny videos, some very thoughtful and serious video blogs, has raised money for charity with other video bloggers and seems to be a pretty amazing person all around. He makes some pretty emotionally astute observations. Some of his videos, like this one are long rants. Sometimes you need a long ramble to listen to when you are having a tough time. 
This is called, "You are Not Alone." It's beautiful, it's valuable. Give it a go, especially if you are going through a rough time or are trying to figure out how to help someone who is struggling!

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Out of One Box and Into Another

2/3/2012

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Sometimes one event in a normal day can throw you for a loop. Sometimes that event is an accident, sometimes, it's a phone call, sometimes the shake up comes in the guise of a simple box.

So, Thursday was an up and down day. Mostly good. I’ve been really productive. The fabulous Tammy P. scooped me up, took me on some errands which included coffee, much needed grocery run, some daffodils for my window sill and got my poor car jump started and moved once again to avoid the boot (literally).

The evening had some  initial disappointment, all due to my lack of transportation. An old friend was playing in the city and I had been trying for about a week to drum up someone to go with me (and drive of course). I launched a last minute attempt which failed, alas. The other social gathering I would have loved to have gone to was also not an option because I didn’t have a ride.

However, I quickly made the best of being “stuck at home!” I started a new process of “Tetris,” the result of having to partially move in to a dirty room which had not been cleaned by the previous tenant because there was no time, started scrubbing windows and walls and got a nice section of floor mopped. I even dragged the household's trash and recycling out to the curb! That was a workout! I got one of my wire shelves back together & throw rugs down. A room less stinky & sticky. More homey and organized. Way more Lorelei Moon!

I had a quick dinner with my dear stressed out landlady and one of the other people who lives here who I think I will like very much. I hauled out all the trash. I cuddled my naughty kitty who has been prowling the house off and on all day.

I was feeling pretty spiffy until, whammo, I opened a box! (Yes, as a Priestess of Pandora, the humor is not lost on me, especially since I was already feeling the metaphor after escaping from a situation where I felt trapped as if in a pretty dark box with the lid nailed down!) 

It was an innocuous looking little shoebox that I had grabbed from my car on impulse, one of the last things I had frantically grabbed from storage before I got locked out and my entire life was auctioned off. (Think about me, next time you find yourself gleefully enjoying shows like “Storage Wars,” that turn a human being’s tragedy into entertainment.)  Inside the box was a small sampling of an entire life time I have lost. A life time of photos and time markers that are crucial to a trauma survivor with PTSD who sometimes finds her memory is like Swiss cheese without things like diaries (gone), careful notes (all gone) and photos (gone). I still can’t decide which horrifies me more, the fact that these personal things, worthless to the buyer are thrown away or that someone has possibly gone through them looking at, touching, reading my most intimate moments.

The box contained several packs of playing cards leftover from childhood, including a double deck with pretty horses on the back and a souvenir pack with cable cars on the back from a trip to San Francisco. I was pretty young. All I remember from that trip, and I could be melding two trips into one, but I don’t think so, are pieces of two unpleasant memories. One of my dad lifting me onto his shoulders to see a Gilbert and Sullivan Operetta and hurting his back. I remember having to go to a big hospital,. Did he go in an ambulance? And I remember feeling to blame for hurting my father because I wanted to see what was going on and being allowed to sip watered down hospital coffee  loaded with powdery non dairy creamer.  The other event, our car being broken into while we were in a museum in Golden Gate Park, the De Young, I believe. All our luggage was stolen and my little quilted purse which had my favorite pendant, a moonstone which even then, I knew to be most magical. I would stare at it and it would become my portal to a safe place when I needed it! 

The box also held an odd assortment of photographs which only serve to remind me of how many just went poof, probably into the landfill.

  • A school photo of my Dad, circa 1994. I really love his smile in this picture. He looks like a great guy.
  • A photo of my nephew, circa 1993. He looks just like my brother.
  • One of my favorite photos of me, all rock and rolled up for a gig. I have a similar one on Facebook, but I should get this one scanned.
  • A picture of my beloved cat Li Li circa 2002.
  • A picture of me when I was working as an optician my Mom took on a visit to the store. I’m working. I don’t know why, but my mom has always had a thing about visiting me on the job. Good thing I never became a prostitute. That would have been awkward.
  • A number of animal photos, many dear deceased pets of clients I’ve had over the years. This tears at the lining of my soul a bit. Many, many photos of my own deceased pets, along with the negatives were lost in storage. The ashes of my beloved cats along with clippings of their hair most likely callously disposed of.
  • A picture of me and Mom after I graduated from college. Me in my cap and gown with my hair cut short. Mom looking pleased and really stunning in a jewel toned dress.
  • A photo from Christmas 1989 at my brother’s house. Carefully decorated fussy tree courtesy of my sister in law and a hoard of presents fit for Smaug, however these were mostly for her daughter Heidi. 
  • A photo of my brother from that same Christmas.
  • And, most disturbing, a Christmas Card photo from my Grandparents. I have no idea what year this is from. Even though it’s color, there’s something about it that reminds me of an old timey sepia photograph where people have been standing very still in a formal pose because the exposure takes so long. They  are standing arm in arm squinting into the camera, sun in their eyes.  Grandpa has one hand in his pocket and the arm linked with his wife’s is holding the pipe that along with years of asbestos exposure eventually killed him. He’s smiling, but he also looks resigned. His eyes are even puffier than I remember. He has a flower in his lapel and his tie is askew. Grandma stands slightly behind him in a flowered dress I remember well, looking up from her hunch-backed posture which always made her look a little shy. I always worried that this would happen to me. It seemed like it must have been both uncomfortable and frustrating to not be able to hold one’s head up straight, but she managed. Somehow, with the smile and the way the sun fades the exposure, making shadows on her face makes her look sinister. It simply says, “Season’s Greetings,” nothing on the back.

It is a box full of loss, extremely unpleasant memories mixed with reminders of the loss of sweet ones. If I hadn’t lost so much already, there are items in this box I might consider ceremonially burning as if that would eliminate the memories I wish my mind had lost along with the others it purged because it was busy dealing with trauma. 

Does Pandora really think I’m in a place to deal with this now? Perhaps she is reminding me once again, that it is perfectly acceptable to examine things and put some of them back in the box for a while rather than deal with them all at once. I don’t have to decide tonight. I can grieve. I can be  angry. I can also enjoy my new nest in progress. 

Ironically, earlier this evening a thought popped into my head as I was thinking both about my own situation and that of another friend who life just sucker-punched with such an inconceivable wallop, I would have laughed if he had announced it on April first! I posted this thought on my Facebook wall then, and I think it applies here, “Sometimes all one can do is defy limbo and move forward!”

Or as that little fish Dory, I like to quote says, “Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim. “


*For further complimentary reading,  I'd like to link my dear friend, Yeshe Rabbit's recent blog here for you: Way of the Rabbit: Choosing Our Challenges!

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Spread some JOY! Finding the True Spirit of the Winter Holidays.

12/24/2011

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 I heard something on the radio yesterday that made me really angry, then really, really sad.

Turns out retail giant, Best Buy won't be able to deliver a lot of their orders on time this year and people are furious. Reports are, no surprise, that customers are saying, "Christmas is ruined!"  

This is nothing new. Every year we hear stories about people squabbling over and even killing over gifts. And every year the chastisement of, "This is not what Christmas is all about" comes up and falls on deaf ears.  I see  increasing arrogance and aggression at which one person holiday is shoved another person's throat. Those who scream, "It's "Christmas," not "Happy Holidays," don't strike me as very Christ emulating and they certainly don't seem to have much love for their fellow man. Every year it seems that the lack of gratitude and absence of empathy increases. It's a season about, "ME,ME, ME, ME, ME! Oh and did I mention, ME? " 

It shouldn't matter that it's, "Christmas." Whatever winter holiday may be meaningful to you, Solstice, Yule, Kwanza, Hanukkah, Festivus, or Saturnalia they all are events meant to bring us humans together  and sustain us through the remaining dark of winter!  Even though gifts are traditionally given during this season, the intent is  togetherness, temporarily putting differences aside , warmth, sharing, family, and community. 

After weeks of seeing the ugliness that is "Christmas, et al" as well as being inspired by my friend Jeremy's blog and other things friends have said or written, I felt the need to comment. I have to admit, I had to stop several times while writing this because I started to sob both due to sadness AND gratitude. 

Well, I don't celebrate Christmas, however, I do try to keep the spirit of "Christmas" all year 'round. That's really what it should be about, right? So many people that I know have been stressed out this year because they might not be able to have the "right" holiday meal or money for presents or time to do all their shopping. It's unnecessary stress. I shouldn't even have to mention how many people in this country and throughout the world have so much less than you do. Look around. Who do you know that's having a rough time right now? Chances are people you care about are hungry, lonely and struggling. Adding the hubbub and commercialism of the holiday season is like rubbing salt in a wound.

Then there's the agony about the kids. "Christmas is so important for the kids!" Last night I heard a story about a big fire in San Francisco. The firefighters went in afterwards to try to salvage a family's presents but they were ruined by water and soot. The Firemen saved the day with their "Toys for Tots" bin! Part of my heart was warmed by this. Then I got to thinking. Really, this whole "presents" thing has gotten so out of hand. We as adults are the ones who have bought into this commercialized feeding frenzy and enabled our kids to become addicted to it. 

As a child, I was regularly disappointed because my parents would let me go through the Christmas catalog and ask Santa for things which I almost never, ever got even if they weren't that expensive. (I'm still waiting for my stuffed Lassie dog. In fact, I seem to have a history of receiving gifts from family and loved ones  that are clearly things that they, not I, would like or that they think will impress me and don't suit me at all, but the concept of an actual "thoughtful" gift is a tangent for another day!" ) Regardless of disappointment, I always got some things I liked and I certainly got things I needed. And, I quickly learned a lot of my joy came from watching others unwrap their gifts and from the little family traditions that made me feel connected.

Even when kids whine about toys, what they really want is to feel secure, know they are loved and have their basic needs met. Sure they might have a fit at first if they get a little less, but if you've raised them right, they'll rally. Will that Angry Birds toy really make your child feel loved? 

When I reflect back, it's clear that the things that really made the holiday season special were very simple things. Helping in the kitchen; actually preparing a meal together and  then eating together. Picking out the Christmas tree as a family and decorating was better than any of the presents under it. One of my favorite moments was the year, I convinced a beau  to set aside the artificial tree and get a real one. He really got into it as we checked out various tree lots looking for the "perfect" tree in our price range. It was so rewarding seeing him get to be a bit of a child again by introducing him to this holiday tradition. On Christmas eve my family would spread a sheet out on the living room carpet and have a "picnic." We would have all kinds of yummy snack foods and watch Christmas specials on TV. I loved that better than the big Christmas dinner because we were all together and not fighting! 

I wish more people would use the holiday as a chance to teach their kids and themselves about  helping people who have less than themselves. Take them with you to pick out warm coats and blankets to donate. Check out volunteer opportunities. Usually when you volunteer to serve a Holiday Meal at a soup kitchen, you get to eat too. Think about what  you and your child could learn about empathy, gratitude and compassion by sitting down to eat with a homeless family.

I can't tell you how to live your holiday season. I can't make you pull your head out of the "Me Space" and  live your life with compassion and kindness all year round. I can plead with you however, to stop for a moment and think about the following:
  • Though I am ranting here about thinking of others, I want you to think of yourself. It's not selfish to take care of yourself. While you are stressing about what you should be doing / getting for others  stop, and be kind to yourself You can't do anything for anyone if you make yourself sick over it. Remember, you and your inner child deserve a happy holiday too. And, don't think it's not okay to ask for something if you need it!

  • Be grateful. If you have a roof over your head,  a job, warmth, transportation, food in your belly, and loved ones in your life YOU ARE BLESSED! If you have more, you are doubly blessed! Spread that gratitude. Volunteer. Find out how to help those in need. If you see someone who looks like they need help, ask what you can do. Pay it forward! Smile and look a stranger in the eyes. Give a compliment. If you know someone who is alone over the holidays or hurting, Reach out!

  • Give what you can. Say something. Listen. Make something. Offer something.  Last year I managed to scrape up $30 and I made 2 kinds of glycerin soap. I made ritual soaps  meant for "mindful cleansing" made with colors and scents designed to evoke the intentions of bringing in creativity & prosperity  (Or to be enjoyed as yummy smelling soap that just gets you clean) . I gave these out at a New Years Celebration where I knew a lot of people who I cared about would be. I don't know if everyone used it, but it felt so good to be able to give something I had made and filled with loving intentions back to people who had made me feel loved and valued,; people I admire. This year I don't have any money but I am offering to cook a meal for anyone who needs it, I am offering my company or any assistance I can give, I am doing my best to make sure people know I love and care about them. I am offering my thanks via this blog. Some of you will be receiving personal messages from me and maybe some from Pandora, if she's willing. Myself, it's all I have to offer and I would hope you think that's a pretty good gift.

This time of year is always very difficult for me, but the last couple of years have given me some helpful perspective. The more miserable things get, the greater I find the depth of my gratitude. I am in a situation you would think few would envy, however, many in this world would because they have even less and every day is a struggle for life!

I've been dealing with homelessness for nearly a year now.  I suffer with P.T.S.D.  and a potentially fatal neurological illness that afflicts my motor skills and causes severe pain, I have relentless insomnia that makes it difficult to function, I have had to depend on unstable people, I've had to borrow a lot of money that I thought I would have been able to pay back by now, I am hungry a lot of the time, I have very little income,  my once thriving pet care business is stuck in the doldrums, I struggle to keep any kind of communication going, I had to give up several of my pets & grieve the loss of others that died shortly before I lost my home, I've lost most of my possessions, and am about to lose the rest, I got mugged at gunpoint last week, I am on the verge of losing my repeatedly vandalized car and I am often very lonely. I think about death a lot. It's true.

There are moments during this holiday season where I've broken down and cried over helplessness and sometimes because of attachment to yes, material possessions. Even walking into Target to buy toilet paper and seeing all the crappy decorations makes me think of all the holiday stuff I have locked in storage that is about to be auctioned off to strangers. Irreplaceable photos, things I've made with my own hands,  ornaments from my Grandparents and my Great Grandmother's house! If I could have just one or two of these things they would light up my room.This Christmas, I will be caring for former neighbor's pets for a few days. I will have to walk their dogs past my old house. Part of me will want to curl up under the big pine tree out front and mourn.  

It's not like these things are lost to me due to fire or flood. It's poverty, pure and simple, circumstances beyond my control.  One of the worst things for me is that these circumstances seriously undermine my ability to do things for other people for that is what makes me feel useful and truly gives me great joy! 

Wow! You may say, how can you possibly have room for any gratitude with all that difficulty in your life? Well, there is the obvious. Even in my dubious situation, I am better off than a large percentage of the world's population and every day all I have to do is walk outside to see people in my own community who are literally living on the street to know how lucky I am. Despite not having a permanent home, I have a roof over my head and for this I am so very grateful. I have been able so far, to keep my beloved cat Li Li with me & she is healthy. That alone has probably saved my life. 

Despite my circumstances I have still found ways to be involved in my community and to be helpful to others. Because of the recent loan of a car I was able to actually offer someone else a ride home from a ritual for a change and that small act put me over the moon with joy and gratitude! I have even been able to manage to make some art and do some singing in the midst of all this chaos! I have many friends who make me laugh when I desperately need it, even if it's just through silly Facebook posts. Even though I often get those insecure pangs of feeling like an outsider I really am part of an amazing creative magical community  & I am loved and appreciated by them. I know some amazing people and I am really really lucky to have them in my life. Ultimately, I'm not dead yet and I still have my sense of humor.

This holiday, I received one of the most generous gifts I have ever received. The gift of safety, warmth, privacy, peace, security and freedom for nearly 2 weeks!  One of my friends is away for the holidays and generously gifted me & LiLi an apartment in the city and the use of a car! The car meant I could take a few jobs that I would have otherwise been forced to turn down. It's warm, sunshine streams through the windows and I have a place to cook. I am thrilled  to see my cat so happy!Life may be difficult, but even when my status is defined  moment by moment, life is good!

I would like to thank some specific people who have been such a big help to me this past year. Actually, a lot of people! Some of us may not have the best relationship right now but that does not change my deep gratitude. Some of you barely know me but make me feel like we've been friends for years! Some of you have thought you were giving me the smallest kindness, maybe you don't even realize you said or did anything that helped, but in reality it was huge to me. Some of you have just kept me sane. Some of you have just listened when I needed it or offered me wise advice when I asked. Many of you have helped me with money, transportation or food when you didn't have that much yourselves! Some of you have helped keep me sane. I love all of you so much and hope I can give to you even a little of what you've given to me even if it's by paying it forward instead of directly to you. Thank You so much!


I'm probably missing some names but this tremendous list is of people who have been gifts to me this year! 

My family, Amelia Hogan , Amir Rabiyah, Anata Fiddle-Hooper, Andrew Kaluzynski,Anita Rogerson,Antero & Sylvi Alli, Barry Perlman, Belinda Fullmer, Bob & Lisa Spickard, Brenda Starr,Brian Feraru, Brian Kenney Fresno & the beautiful Felix,Bruce Romanoff, Bunny Holmes,Carolyn Anhalt,Carroll Flowers,Catherynne Valente,Cherie Barstow & Michael Cull,Cheryl Attoe-Bennett,Cheryl Brink, Christia Katz-Mulvy, Chrisje, Cross Sidhe & Maia Mermaidian, Dan Shull, Dan Wilson,Dana Morrigan,Dara Dehnicke, Dave "Haaz-Baroque," David Campbell,David Gessel, Derik Cowan & Hayden Reynolds, Di Di Gordon, Diana Paxon, Dori Daniels and Andrew Lowe, Dragonfly & Kirk,Drezdeny,Elizabth Branson,Elizabeth Dougherty,Faye Mays Casperson, Firefly, Grey Wolf & Marcus,Heather & Barry King and their adorable boys!,Heather Verver, Hummingbird, Ignacio Zulueta, Iris & Jack of Bears,Ivy,Jade and all the staff at the former Mama Buzz,James Nelson,James Tuttle,Jennifer Norton,Jeremy Triggs,Jess & Peter Sadaichney,Jey Johnston, Joe Bell,Johanna & John White, Jolie Pearl, Jonathan Carroll, Kathryn Seabron,Katie Novotny & Michael Klinge,Katie Young,Kenne Mackillop,Kenneth Winter, Kerry Mason,Kian & Thora, Kim & Melanie, Kismet Conrad    Kris Chappell, Kyros Starr & David Williams, Lois Brady,Lauren Banister,Libby Mclaren & Robin Flower, Loren Davidson, Loreon Vigne, Mable Estella, Maddie P.,Marcia Diaz, Manea Trinicrea & James Goodin, Marcus Lorenzo Penn, Mary Leeking, Matt Hairfield,Matthew Newman,Megan Killian, Meghan Corman, Molly McEnerney,Morpheus Ravenna,Morrighan Bigelow, Paul Giomi,Persephone, Charles, Dark Moon and all the Solace gang!,The Fabulous  Ms. P-Raw!, Pixie,Rabbit Matthews & Albert Robles,Raven Leary,Rebecca Wilson,Richard Becker (and your generous friends who gave me a great 4th of July!), Robin Dolan, Robin Maskiell, Sarah Astarte, Sarah Nash,Shawn Lesniak, Sooz Baraclough,  Sparrow, Susan Peevy,  Stacey Tindle & Stacey Tindle,Shannon Burla, Shannon Way, Shelia Chandra,Sofia Acosta,Temperance De'lonkcra, Teresa Walker,Tex Allen,Tammy Patterson & Rick Shibata,Tiffany & Nicholas (and Scout)Black- Darquea,Tigris Dancing Joy, Todd Hodes,Vicki Soloman,Waziana, Wil Viharo,The Wildes (Rowan, Zo, Constance and Duncan!),Yansumi, & Zane Stein!

And of course, I must express my gratitude to God & Goddess, my ancestors, spirits, guides, elementals and benevolent forces that have helped me through this so far!

Bless you all! Happy Holidays!
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