Dear Josh,
Fuck! This is going to be a long one. It's going to be a long one or I might explode!
Please don't be overwhelmed.
Fuck! This is going to be a long one. It's going to be a long one or I might explode!
Please don't be overwhelmed.
With the man the world is his heart, with the woman the heart is her world. -Betty Grable
Josh, this is for you, but it's becoming obvious that it is also for me. It is my way to reach out to you whether you are withdrawing, or just not around me. If I happen to coax a smile or encourage you, all the better! I don't to expect you to read these posts as they come, or all at once in a binge, on any type of time schedule, especially when they ramble like this one. (I promise some days you might get a sentence or a photo.) They are for you so the attention they get is your choice, I do hope you eventually read them.
I want to remind you that it is not my goal to get a response. Even if you want to respond, you don't need to write a big email. You can just comment on posts here.
I think part of what I'm doing is telling you about my day and what's on my mind, stuff I'd be doing if we had more frequent contact. And I'd be asking you
about your day too, of course, but I can't do either. Maybe this can serve as a proxy.
I want to remind you that it is not my goal to get a response. Even if you want to respond, you don't need to write a big email. You can just comment on posts here.
I think part of what I'm doing is telling you about my day and what's on my mind, stuff I'd be doing if we had more frequent contact. And I'd be asking you
about your day too, of course, but I can't do either. Maybe this can serve as a proxy.
“I want To do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.” ― Pablo Neruda
“If you want what's in the package you should at least know how to get the string off, is what I say.”
― Margaret Atwood
Voila! Here is a sneak preview of the new haircut. By the time you see it it will be in it's normal wavy state. The stylists always have a penchant for flat ironing it when they do these "model" cuts, to show off all the angles and layers. I guess when Lorelei says, "Hairstylist do what you will " she get's short. At least I didn't end up like Shmendrick the Magician, engaged to a Douglas Fir! (Last Unicorn Reference) I am not a short hair kinda gal, but it's a nice cut and it was free! Now that my dead keratin is soft and healthy, it will grow out in no time. And I made sure Brian left enough for you to grab a hold of!
“I could feel the day offering itself to me, and I wanted nothing more than to be in the moment-but which moment? Not that one, or that one, or that one,” ― Billy Collins,
Today was such a mixed bag! Creative endeavors were encouraging. After my appointment, I stopped on Sutter at a favorite cafe before braving a packed BART train home. After BART fare, I had just enough cash left to splurge on a fancy cocoa and while I sipped it I got a large portion of yet another new lyric scratched out. I also made progress with some writing of the prose persuasion! Pushing through despite a nagging depression and the cacophony around me gave me a good feeling of disciplined accomplishment.
“Sometimes it is the smallest thing that saves us: the weather growing cold, a child's smile, and a cup of excellent coffee.” ― Jonathan Carroll
Weighing on my mind is the ongoing drama on the home front! Tonight, I had to allow myself a few tears of frustration. I don't cry much these days, but lately, I find I have moments when my little release valve turns and out comes a flood of saltwater! If I don't let it out, who knows how much it will fester or in what form it will eventually surface!
I know you understand this feeling. So many things I'm tired of. I do know they will resolve. I know the work I am doing will help make things happen and I just need diligence and patience. I'm doing most of the right things, and oh, it is so much fucking better, but, yes, I'm tired.
And it's bizarre how I can have a fairly optimistic outlook, that I know things can and will be amazing, and that I am generally a happy person. And at the same time, that happiness exists the deep depression mills around under the surface, a combination of old sludge and current stresses.
I know you understand this feeling. So many things I'm tired of. I do know they will resolve. I know the work I am doing will help make things happen and I just need diligence and patience. I'm doing most of the right things, and oh, it is so much fucking better, but, yes, I'm tired.
And it's bizarre how I can have a fairly optimistic outlook, that I know things can and will be amazing, and that I am generally a happy person. And at the same time, that happiness exists the deep depression mills around under the surface, a combination of old sludge and current stresses.
“Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?" Harry interrupted again.
"So he can sneak up on people," said Ron. "Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking...”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Good news! I didn't harm myself or others, AGAIN today, though I wanted to wring the basement dweller's neck when he held me up on my way out the door expressing bafflement about whatever he might have done to upset me. Ha!
You probably don't want to mess with this mermaid on a good day. She's been trained by battling the worst ones! -Lorelei Moon
These bloody obstacles! The helplessness! The weight!
- I want desperately to move, but I have to wait until I get my settlement this summer.
- I'm tired of not having another musician and/or an instrument to write with and I miss performing.
- And frankly, even though I am not ready to live with a lover, I find it ridiculous that I am sleeping alone so much of the time.
- I have also come to the realization that unless I can find an off street place to park it, I may have to sell my car. It is going to add all kinds of penalties via the DMV and may risk my SSI case. I'm not sure why, but I am not supposed to have any changes in property or status while my case is ongoing. I won't get much for it, but I don't think I can hold out until this summer when i have the money.
So, *sigh*
“If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.”
― David Sedaris
Disapproving kitty
I hope your Thursday was angst free and that your Friday turns out to be splendid! I hope I didn't bring you down with my personal downer!
“Sometimes the whole world is mud luscious and puddle wonderful” ― Thomas M. Disch
“We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is, knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the beautiful stuff out.” ― Ray Bradbury
As a more pleasing conclusion, I have to say, the trip home today was interesting! On a typical commuter train with sparse conversation and almost every passenger completely tuned out with their noses bent to various electronic devices, I was delighted to be surrounded by THREE people reading actual books!
Like you, I enjoy walking slow, slower still when I have my camera, and I love to change up my route. There's always something interesting to see in the hood! Today I found, CHICKENS! They were so curious and sociable! All rushing over to the one spot in the fence through which they could be seen to see who I was! You can experience a bit of my walk home with the slide show below.
Like you, I enjoy walking slow, slower still when I have my camera, and I love to change up my route. There's always something interesting to see in the hood! Today I found, CHICKENS! They were so curious and sociable! All rushing over to the one spot in the fence through which they could be seen to see who I was! You can experience a bit of my walk home with the slide show below.
Oh, I'm sorry, Josh, my darling. Are you feeling cheated? Where's the cheesecake you say? The stuff you can't look at on your work computer? After, all that's why you were scrolling past all the chatter & the chicken pictures, right?
“I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.” ― Mae West
Hope this is the start of a lovely weekend!
I wish I didn't have to wait until Wednesday to have you in my bed!
Wistfully,
Lorelei
I wish I didn't have to wait until Wednesday to have you in my bed!
Wistfully,
Lorelei
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