For Joshx

Moon Rise On Demand!

4/19/2013

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I thought you might enjoy seeing the MOON whenever you like.

“With freedom, books, flowers, and the moon, who could not be happy?” ― Oscar Wilde

Now all we need is the freedom part.......

I hope these pictures provide some stress relief! :-)

Dearest Josh-

Even though it's not a good time for me right now and it's damned frustrating not to see you, I do understand that your plate is all too full. It doesn't help that mine isn't!
Being with you eases my stress. I would really love to be in your arms right now.

I am in a much better mood and even though I sounded pretty glum on the phone the other night, I think hearing your voice, just being in contact helped! It was good to babble on the phone with you last night too. Still, this is going to be a long week unless I find some things to get busy with!

“so I wait for you like a lonely house
till you will see me again and live in me.
Till then my windows ache.”
-Pablo Neruda

The nether kitty misses the joshcicle=true

Maybe when I get a new phone the sound quality will improve! Your deep voice often comes through as a muffled rumble. It's clearly a speaker issue. Honestly, I love the sound of your voice so much that if understanding you wasn't necessary for conversation, I wouldn't care what you were saying! At least whatever has been making the calls drop seems to have gone away!

Thanks again, for the extra conversation tonight. It was a sweet little fix. :-)

Oh and Happy Friday!

Friday is Aphrodite's Day, so it's fitting that I should be sending you a whole bunch of love and sexy pictures!!

Hail Aphrodite!

“You don't have to burn books to destroy a culture. Just get people to stop reading them.”
― Ray Bradbury

A List of my favorite Stephen King books in case you are ever inclined......
In order of when they were published:

Cujo: An early novel worth reading and it's a QUICK read!
Different Seasons: 4 Novellas which contains the stories that became Shawshank Redemption and Stand By Me
The Dark Half: OMG, The Dark Half bent my mind all kinds of which ways!
Four Past Midnight: Another book of 4 novellas which contains includes the one Secret Window was based on. The Sun Dog will make you nervous about old instant cameras!
Needful Things: Possibly my all time favorite!
Dolores Claibourne: A very different style than his other works.
Nightmares and Dreamscapes: A creepy collection of stories that kept me thinking and wondering for a long time! Every time I see sneakers under a restroom stall door..........
The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon: Another terrific story and quick read!
From A Buick 8: This goes in the "one of my favorites for sure" category!
11/22/63: This was so well rounded. The time travel weirdness was secondary to the story!

Poor "little" Goth Girl

Eye do adore you. Yes; groan worthy

Yes, my big bow has skulls; memento mori, but meanwhile, enjoy the view.

“But the toaster was quite satisfied with itself, thank you. Though it knew from magazines that there were toasters who could toast four slices at a time, it didn't think that the master, who lived alone and seemed to have few friends, would have wanted a toaster of such institutional proportions. With toast, it's quality that matters, not quantity.”
― Thomas M. Disch, The Brave Little Toaster

(And by the way, if you find a copy of The Brave Little Toaster, I will love you forever!)

Think of me as "Quality Toast!"
Here are some crumpets to tide you over until next Friday ;-)

By the way, doing this or you is kind of a big scary deal for me so if you like it and can manage some feeback, I'd feel a whole lot better!

Only For You,
Lorelei

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Thank You!

4/9/2013

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Dear Josh-

You have no idea just how much seeing you for that short while last night helped and how much it meant to me! It was huge!

For one thing, you've been so rigid about not going outside the perimeters of our set times. I suspect that was difficult for you and I know you were exhausted.

But part of it was just not being alone during this storm, knowing I am cared about, laughing a little and having some sense of feeling normal! And, I have to say it sort of grounded me for a few hours.

“Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude.” ― A.A. Milne

I still didn't sleep. I hope you got enough. The night was full of panic attacks and at 8:30 AM, I've decide to break down and pop a couple of Valium in hopes it will take the edge off for a nit of a nap! There have only been a couple of times I have been this overwhelmed, panicked, sad and unable to focus. The aftermath of Andy trying to kill me and just all the related stress and horror I had to deal with and for a couple of months before I became homeless. So, it makes sense that this is a combination of being unable to get therapy, not sleeping, an overwhelming amount of stresses and not being able to change or address them in any productive way. No control.

(And yes, dear me, I am probably surrounded by a few assholes)

"Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final"
— Rainer Maria Rilke

So thank you for being there for me when I needed it. I am so grateful for you.
Best,
Lorelei

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Mothers

4/7/2013

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Dear Josh,

Here's to wishing time spent with your mother this weekend doesn't live up to your worst expectations.

Honestly, its a huge relief my mother is 200 miles away from me and afraid to drive this far from home! I can't imagine how I would handle things if I were in your position. A few years ago, I would have buckled and been the dutiful daughter. Today, I might just have my mom thrown in a home somewhere.

Still she manages to infuriate me! I told her off via email today. She had it coming, but if I had been in a better frame of mind, I'd have been more patient with her. I was already dancing on the edge! She tipped me a little.

“Mothers are all slightly insane.” ― J.D. Salinger

Mom figured out from some of my posts I was going through a dark time and then posted something on my wall about how, instead, I should be grateful. I told her if she posted anything on my wall again I was going to block her! For one thing, I express my gratitude a lot. But the hubris of my mother, who caused a large part of the damage that my PTSD and depression stems from and has never shown any remorse, telling me to be grateful, well that really disgusts me!

“When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.” ― Erma Bombeck

It's probably a blessing that I have huge gaps missing from the memories I should have of my childhood. My mind is a tree with many broken and splintered branches! The few intact scenes make me cringe because I realize some things were so much worse that I had to repress them!

One that surfaced today while I was stewing was from 5th grade. I was in a school play in which I played a maid. My mother, always having to impress, bought an actual maid's uniform for me. The stage in our elementary school was in the same room as the cafeteria; kitchen on one side, stage on the other and a small basement area beneath the stage for dressing rooms and storage. That room had high windows up above at sidewalk level.

“Everyone has the right to tell the truth about her own life.” ― Ellen Bass,

One afternoon after a post-school dress rehearsal, all the girls went down to change into our street clothes, and as we started changing, the boys started whooping it up and peeking through the windows. Half dressed and shrieking as fifth grade girls will do we ended up on the floor trying to hide. (I especially, was embarrassed! In the fifth grade, unlike most of my classmates, I already had my period and was stretching out a B cup!)

My costume got some dust and wrinkles during the episode and Mom was livid. No explanation was good enough. When I was little, my mother threatened my father with calling C.P.S. if he didn't stop beating me with the belt buckle until welts were raised or my skin was broken. My mother made sure not to leave permanent marks. She pulled out the ruler and began to terrorize me! I crawled under my bed in retreat and she proceeded to scream at me and smack any part of me she could reach off and on for several hours until my father came home.

“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.” ― A.A. Milne

So, get the food you need and try to have some patience with your mother. You could be stuck with mine. I hope that you do get some relief from this situation soon!

Empathetically,

Lorelei

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Wishing You The Weekend You Went To Have!

4/6/2013

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Dearest Josh,

Thanks for your concern.

I just could not respond to your text about what I do when things are this bad, certainly not by text. Part of me really enjoyed texting back and forth with you and it was a distraction for a while, but it also stung a little. Of course, the only reason you would be texting back on a Friday night is because you were on public transit! Not that I am unappreciative. Everything I get is precious!

“For neither good nor evil can last for ever; and so it follows that as evil has lasted a long time, good must now be close at hand.” ― Cervantes

Look. Often being alone is really good for me, but isolation when it isn't my choice is bad, really bad. I have no funds or transportation to get me out of the space I am in for even a minute.

The icing on the cake was a royal let down by a friend this weekend. The first thought was, "good thing I'm used to being disappointed." That is CRAP! No one should be used to disappointment and I don't deserve it. I'm always so fucking gracious about it too.

That's not entirely why I'm going through all this soup, but it has made things worse. I've been in a pretty heavy depression since early winter and it's largely situational! Feeling productive and useful is crucial and any little happy spots go a long way to keeping myself afloat. I'm not getting enough of those things to balance that and the consequences are scary! As much as I am likely to be fine, I am equally likely to be done. At least I can say I am honest about it.

“There are moments when one has to choose between living one's own life, fully, entirely, completely-or dragging out some false, shallow, degrading existence that the world in its hypocrisy demands.”
― Oscar Wilde

Look! Me smiling when things are not so great!

I'm glad you had a good writing group. Sorry work was sucky, but there's a new job coming if you want the change. I have some things to look forward to at least; work on Monday, if I can score a car and seeing you on Wednesday.

Wishing you a good weekend!

Here's a poem by one of my favorite writers, Thomas M. Disch.

What to Accept

The fact of mountains. The actuality
Of any stone — by kicking, if necessary.
The need to ignore stupid people,
While restraining one's natural impulse
To murder them. The change from your dollar,
Be it no more than a penny,
For without a pretense of universal penury
There can be no honor between rich and poor.
Love, unconditionally, or until proven false.
The inevitability of cancer and/or
Heart disease. The dialogue as written,
Once you've taken the role. Failure,
Gracefully. Any hospitality
You're willing to return. The air
Each city offers you to breathe.
The latest hit. Assistance.
All accidents. The end.

― Thomas M. Disch,

Wishing you the weekend you want to have,

Lorelei

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Further Ado

4/5/2013

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Dear Josh,

Fuck! This is going to be a long one. It's going to be a long one or I might explode!

Please don't be overwhelmed.

With the man the world is his heart, with the woman the heart is her world. -Betty Grable

Josh, this is for you, but it's becoming obvious that it is also for me. It is my way to reach out to you whether you are withdrawing, or just not around me. If I happen to coax a smile or encourage you, all the better! I don't to expect you to read these posts as they come, or all at once in a binge, on any type of time schedule, especially when they ramble like this one. (I promise some days you might get a sentence or a photo.) They are for you so the attention they get is your choice, I do hope you eventually read them.

I want to remind you that it is not my goal to get a response. Even if you want to respond, you don't need to write a big email. You can just comment on posts here.

I think part of what I'm doing is telling you about my day and what's on my mind, stuff I'd be doing if we had more frequent contact. And I'd be asking you
about your day too, of course, but I can't do either. Maybe this can serve as a proxy.

“I want To do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.” ― Pablo Neruda

“If you want what's in the package you should at least know how to get the string off, is what I say.”
― Margaret Atwood

Voila! Here is a sneak preview of the new haircut. By the time you see it it will be in it's normal wavy state. The stylists always have a penchant for flat ironing it when they do these "model" cuts, to show off all the angles and layers. I guess when Lorelei says, "Hairstylist do what you will " she get's short. At least I didn't end up like Shmendrick the Magician, engaged to a Douglas Fir! (Last Unicorn Reference) I am not a short hair kinda gal, but it's a nice cut and it was free! Now that my dead keratin is soft and healthy, it will grow out in no time. And I made sure Brian left enough for you to grab a hold of!

“I could feel the day offering itself to me, and I wanted nothing more than to be in the moment-but which moment? Not that one, or that one, or that one,” ― Billy Collins,

Today was such a mixed bag! Creative endeavors were encouraging. After my appointment, I stopped on Sutter at a favorite cafe before braving a packed BART train home. After BART fare, I had just enough cash left to splurge on a fancy cocoa and while I sipped it I got a large portion of yet another new lyric scratched out. I also made progress with some writing of the prose persuasion! Pushing through despite a nagging depression and the cacophony around me gave me a good feeling of disciplined accomplishment.

“Sometimes it is the smallest thing that saves us: the weather growing cold, a child's smile, and a cup of excellent coffee.” ― Jonathan Carroll

Weighing on my mind is the ongoing drama on the home front! Tonight, I had to allow myself a few tears of frustration. I don't cry much these days, but lately, I find I have moments when my little release valve turns and out comes a flood of saltwater! If I don't let it out, who knows how much it will fester or in what form it will eventually surface!

I know you understand this feeling. So many things I'm tired of. I do know they will resolve. I know the work I am doing will help make things happen and I just need diligence and patience. I'm doing most of the right things, and oh, it is so much fucking better, but, yes, I'm tired.

And it's bizarre how I can have a fairly optimistic outlook, that I know things can and will be amazing, and that I am generally a happy person. And at the same time, that happiness exists the deep depression mills around under the surface, a combination of old sludge and current stresses.

“Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?" Harry interrupted again.
"So he can sneak up on people," said Ron. "Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking...”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Good news! I didn't harm myself or others, AGAIN today, though I wanted to wring the basement dweller's neck when he held me up on my way out the door expressing bafflement about whatever he might have done to upset me. Ha!

You probably don't want to mess with this mermaid on a good day. She's been trained by battling the worst ones! -Lorelei Moon

These bloody obstacles! The helplessness! The weight!

I want desperately to move, but I have to wait until I get my settlement this summer.
I'm tired of not having another musician and/or an instrument to write with and I miss performing.
And frankly, even though I am not ready to live with a lover, I find it ridiculous that I am sleeping alone so much of the time.
I have also come to the realization that unless I can find an off street place to park it, I may have to sell my car. It is going to add all kinds of penalties via the DMV and may risk my SSI case. I'm not sure why, but I am not supposed to have any changes in property or status while my case is ongoing. I won't get much for it, but I don't think I can hold out until this summer when i have the money.

So, sigh

“If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.”
― David Sedaris

Disapproving kitty

I hope your Thursday was angst free and that your Friday turns out to be splendid! I hope I didn't bring you down with my personal downer!

“Sometimes the whole world is mud luscious and puddle wonderful” ― Thomas M. Disch

“We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is, knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the beautiful stuff out.” ― Ray Bradbury

As a more pleasing conclusion, I have to say, the trip home today was interesting! On a typical commuter train with sparse conversation and almost every passenger completely tuned out with their noses bent to various electronic devices, I was delighted to be surrounded by THREE people reading actual books!

Like you, I enjoy walking slow, slower still when I have my camera, and I love to change up my route. There's always something interesting to see in the hood! Today I found, CHICKENS! They were so curious and sociable! All rushing over to the one spot in the fence through which they could be seen to see who I was! You can experience a bit of my walk home with the slide show below.

Oh, I'm sorry, Josh, my darling. Are you feeling cheated? Where's the cheesecake you say? The stuff you can't look at on your work computer? After, all that's why you were scrolling past all the chatter & the chicken pictures, right?

“I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.” ― Mae West

Hope this is the start of a lovely weekend!
I wish I didn't have to wait until Wednesday to have you in my bed!
Wistfully,
Lorelei

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It's an experiment!

4/3/2013

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Dearest Josh,

You won't get this until sometime on Thursday, but as I'm writing, it's Wednesday night. Perhaps you have managed to doze by now. Perhaps you are still socializing. Whatever the case may be, I hope your day went smoothly.

I'm sitting on my bed, tapping my monitor sporadically because it has what looks like the horizontal hold issues that the televisions we grew up with suffered from! And, just like an old TV, I find myself cursing and whacking it constantly so I can "get a picture."

The floorboards have been throbbing for hours with the weekly Spaz broadcast. It's like a fucking rave coming from the basement! Be grateful for the damn noisy dog; music by comparison. The pounding, along with the guest D.J.'s inane prattle and off key singing will continue for at least two more hours. No doubt, my headache will continue for hours afterward!

Oh God! Now she's rapping or doing some sort of poetry slam, again off key. This is truly one of the worst things I have ever heard! Take me now! :-P

“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”
― Robert A. Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land

I am going to try to send you "something" every day or maybe wait a few days in between if I "go long." It's just something I've been feeling compelled to do. Maybe you need it. I've been very faithful to my compulsions lately. My hope is that even if you are withdrawing you will read these messages and know that I am reaching out to you, even when you don't reach back! This one may be long because I've waited until the end of the day and my head is full.

“If I had a flower for every time I thought of you...I could walk through my garden forever.”
― Alfred Tennyson

I meant to send you something "inspiring" this morning. However, as usual, I didn't sleep at all last night, then fitfully, I managed a few hours of disturbing dream laden slumber this morning. I stayed in bed until almost 2pm in hopes that I would get a few more z's, but Banzai's loud voice pierced my peaceful morning, then the noon siren went off, shortly after, James cranked up The Cure, and someone in the hood had power tools going. The message was cleat. NO sleep for you mermaid!

Yes, I did look at craigslist ads for housing today. I can dream, can't I?

I want the scissors to be sharp and the table perfectly level when you cut me out of my life and paste me in that book you always carry.” ― Billy Collins

My whole day wasn't horrible. It had plenty of good productive moments. I have to be grateful for the people that love me! They temper life's frustrations and make sure I don't sink!

I've been thinking today about how nice it was to hear your voice last night. It was far from ideal. I probably interrupted you more than usual, partially because of the strange connection and poor sound quality but also because I was in such a stressed out head space. I find myself hyper-conscious of every time I talk over you. I don't mean to do it. It is so much easier in person. And, I don't know what is up with the dropping signal. This seems to be a thing in the evenings her now. Both Molly and I had problems with our phones here tonight. Even if it's not perfect I still enjoy chatting with you and especially so, when the conversation rambles all over the place.

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” ― Elbert Hubbard

Since I mention her a lot, This is Molly!

Molly came to my rescue tonight, loaning me $20 for gas and BART fare. She drove me to fill up my gas can and to Trader Joe's to spend the last of my food stamps. I have milk for my coffee and, whaaaaaa? Black Currant juice! Can't wait to try that! It took us forever and a phone call to my friend Cross, who gave me the gas can, to figure out how to get the nozzle to open. After I got the gas in successfully, the car started right up! Crises averted!

In case you forgot, this is me ;-)

A teeny snippet of something I've been working on:

Can I trust you to close my open wings or will you watch me fall from the sky above
The risk is less to skim the shore and skirt the edge of the rule of love

You complicate the melody of the song that I've been trying to quiet
You lift it strong into the night 'til it beats the heart in every shadow

Until I know, I know, I know this bird; this bird must
And I know, I know, I know this bird; this bird will burst

Do you like?

“I didn't discover curves; I only uncovered them.” ― Mae West

Since the first one was a tease, I suppose this is only fair.

Wishing you a Happy Thursday!
All My Best To You And my Booty too ;-)
-Lorelei

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For Josh

Moon Rise On Demand!

Think of me as "Quality Toast!"
Here are some crumpets to tide you over until next Friday ;-)

Thank You!

Mothers

Wishing You The Weekend You Went To Have!

Further Ado

So, sigh

Oh, I'm sorry, Josh, my darling. Are you feeling cheated? Where's the cheesecake you say? The stuff you can't look at on your work computer? After, all that's why you were scrolling past all the chatter & the chicken pictures, right?

It's an experiment!

by, Lorelei Moon

Archives

Categories

For Josh

Moon Rise On Demand!

Think of me as "Quality Toast!"Here are some crumpets to tide you over until next Friday ;-)

Thank You!

Mothers

Wishing You The Weekend You Went To Have!

Further Ado

So, *sigh*

Oh, I'm sorry, Josh, my darling. Are you feeling cheated? Where's the cheesecake you say? The stuff you can't look at on your work computer? After, all that's why you were scrolling past all the chatter & the chicken pictures, right?

It's an experiment!

by, Lorelei Moon

Archives

Categories

Think of me as "Quality Toast!"
Here are some crumpets to tide you over until next Friday ;-)

So, sigh