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 "Andromeda" Gustave Dore “ And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long."
Sylvia Plath
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 My beloved ones...
You may not hear me. You may not see me. I may be miles away. But in the darkness, 'cross the distance don't you feel my arms around you every day?  Eris, Goddess of Discord by Telthona What if I'm lost? What if I'm irredeemable? What if there's really nothing left to love or to love with? What if under my nakedness, I am truly naked? What if I'm not just badly damaged, but irrevocably broken? What if my mother's, brother's, father's, lovers' voices will always be louder than the voice in my head that whispers, "Not true!" What if I'm sick of wearing the scars I used to think of as evidence of my survival. Why do I self-impose humiliation? It's getting harder to detach. Why did I tell you that? I'm admitting everything. Oh shit! What are these emotions? Pain? Sadness? This is really inconvenient! Anger? Where did this anger come from? Suddenly I'm awake, angry, agitated. I don't know what to do with it! What if I can't stop the flood? What if I want to go back to numb, but I've forgotten the way! What if I don't want to be numb, but I don't want to be this either? How do I tame the storm of emotions into something more coherent? I'm losing my ability to compartmentalize! Everything is spilling out! Help! What if I'm done with the "aloneness" I've grown used to embracing?. Why did the peace it used to bring turn into a longing, haunting vacuum? What if I don't have to be alone, but I don't have to be with "just anybody" either What would it be like to actually be present with someone, instead of invisible? What if someone is starting to see me when I still can't quite make out my own outline in this fog? What if I'm starting to solidify? Could there be some substance here? What if I'm likable? What if I'm lovable? What if I could relax and just be? I'd like to clean up the mess of my past but I can't bury it if I can't kill it first! Dammit! What if this is difficult but not impossible? What if I could let it go by learning to live with parts of it? What if I could feel like a whole person? What would that be like? What if I could find a way through instead of trying to get over this wall? What if I could give without being taken? What if I could trust a few people around me? What if I could trust you? What if I could start to trust myself? What if I stop asking "what if?" and just see what happens next?  "Princess" Sulamith Wulfing I was walking a never ending mile
Black gloves were talking to me, like I was just a child Your love had left me like a feather in the snow Soft down frozen now; how was I to know But nothing's invincible You pulled the fortress down Striking gold on silver My defences down Silent and twisted like a candle in the wind The flame is gone The shame burns on How I wish I had known That you were Master of No, Master of Nothing Just a piece of a photograph You are Master of No, Master of No One You left me the worst side of your better half I am walking a never ending mile I hear you talking to me, but I am not your child I have have awakened and I now see your face Shifting ever twisting beneath your thorns of lace If I fell for the dream of you would I embrace this fate Swallow blind with hunger the poison on my plate I shall keep walking and leave you to your fight Your night is long, bitter your song And all too well I know That you are Master of No Master of Nothing You're just a piece of a photograph You are Master of No Master of No Way And you left me the worst of your better half You are Master of No Master of Nothing You're just a piece of a photograph You are Master of No Master of No One And you left me the worst of your better half |
Lorelei Moon
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