What if I'm lost?
What if I'm irredeemable?
What if there's really nothing left to love or to love with?
What if under my nakedness, I am truly naked?
What if I'm not just badly damaged, but irrevocably broken?
What if my mother's, brother's, father's, lovers' voices will always be louder than the voice in my head that whispers, "Not true!"
What if I'm sick of wearing the scars I used to think of as evidence of my survival.
Why do I self-impose humiliation?
It's getting harder to detach. Why did I tell you that? I'm admitting everything. Oh shit!
What are these emotions? Pain? Sadness?
This is really inconvenient!
Anger? Where did this anger come from?
Suddenly I'm awake, angry, agitated. I don't know what to do with it!
What if I can't stop the flood?
What if I want to go back to numb, but I've forgotten the way!
What if I don't want to be numb, but I don't want to be this either?
How do I tame the storm of emotions into something more coherent?
I'm losing my ability to compartmentalize! Everything is spilling out! Help!
What if I'm done with the "aloneness" I've grown used to embracing?.
Why did the peace it used to bring turn into a longing, haunting vacuum?
What if I don't have to be alone, but I don't have to be with "just anybody" either
What would it be like to actually be present with someone, instead of invisible?
What if someone is starting to see me when I still can't quite make out my own outline in this fog?
What if I'm starting to solidify? Could there be some substance here?
What if I'm likable? What if I'm lovable?
What if I could relax and just be?
I'd like to clean up the mess of my past but I can't bury it if I can't kill it first! Dammit!
What if this is difficult but not impossible?
What if I could let it go by learning to live with parts of it?
What if I could feel like a whole person? What would that be like?
What if I could find a way through instead of trying to get over this wall?
What if I could give without being taken?
What if I could trust a few people around me?
What if I could trust you?
What if I could start to trust myself?
What if I stop asking "what if?" and just see what happens next?