Sylvia Plath
“ And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long."
Sylvia Plath
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The squandered sounds of all these years,
I'm tired of washing my face with my own tears! Alone in the dark Was the only time I showed emotion. Well, I've cried enough to fill the damn ocean! I know it's cliche, but it falls right on the mark. I'm all fucked up, it's no excuse! And somehow I've avoided a noose Of my own making. Tried to steel my heart and make it hard. Predators, Still find it all too easy for the breaking. So am I barely alive? Should I be proud, To have just survived while fooling all the crowd? "See me, I'm so happy!" For a shattered child the world's a stage, An aid to lock the pain away, conceal the rage! Now come you out of old dreams! Light as air move like a breeze. Well who the hell are you? Still I recognize you! You offer me a sweet release. Could letting go be so easy? Unmoved by my screaming! And you stand by Everything you promised me a hundred years ago. How can I help but hate you so? To make an end I must begin. So, the way out of this is to go in, Running through the fire. Although I've never learned to swim, For you I dive, All my masks drop like a whim! Shedding the skin that conspires to confine! And you lightly rattle my issues Like you were merely dusting off your shoes, And I am falling! To dance off this cliff would be so nice! Is it my fear of heights that leaves me stalling? Just pretend it all happened to someone else! Don't be affected by every touch and smell! Erase it from my mind! Just want to get on with a life. I've tried in vain to break it off leave it behind. Now come you out of old dreams! Light as air move like a breeze. Well who the hell are you? Still I recognize you! You offer me peace. Then you challenge me! Unmoved by my screaming, and you stand by Everything you promised me a hundred years ago! How can I help but hate you so? Now come you the "fearless" sage! A welcome foil for all my rage. Well who the hell are you? Still I recognize you! Your feet seem planted on the earth, but true wings hint of your rebirth Unmoved by my screaming, and I'm suddenly Trusting that you gave me ribbons long ago How can I help but love you so And I don't know how but still I know And I don't know how but still I know That I've already watched you come and go A hundred years, a thousand times before And I don't know how but still I know And I don't know how but still I know That I've already held and let you go A hundred times, a thousand years or more What if I'm lost? What if I'm irredeemable? What if there's really nothing left to love or to love with? What if under my nakedness, I am truly naked? What if I'm not just badly damaged, but irrevocably broken? What if my mother's, brother's, father's, lovers' voices will always be louder than the voice in my head that whispers, "Not true!" What if I'm sick of wearing the scars I used to think of as evidence of my survival. Why do I self-impose humiliation? It's getting harder to detach. Why did I tell you that? I'm admitting everything. Oh shit! What are these emotions? Pain? Sadness? This is really inconvenient! Anger? Where did this anger come from? Suddenly I'm awake, angry, agitated. I don't know what to do with it! What if I can't stop the flood? What if I want to go back to numb, but I've forgotten the way! What if I don't want to be numb, but I don't want to be this either? How do I tame the storm of emotions into something more coherent? I'm losing my ability to compartmentalize! Everything is spilling out! Help! What if I'm done with the "aloneness" I've grown used to embracing?. Why did the peace it used to bring turn into a longing, haunting vacuum? What if I don't have to be alone, but I don't have to be with "just anybody" either What would it be like to actually be present with someone, instead of invisible? What if someone is starting to see me when I still can't quite make out my own outline in this fog? What if I'm starting to solidify? Could there be some substance here? What if I'm likable? What if I'm lovable? What if I could relax and just be? I'd like to clean up the mess of my past but I can't bury it if I can't kill it first! Dammit! What if this is difficult but not impossible? What if I could let it go by learning to live with parts of it? What if I could feel like a whole person? What would that be like? What if I could find a way through instead of trying to get over this wall? What if I could give without being taken? What if I could trust a few people around me? What if I could trust you? What if I could start to trust myself? What if I stop asking "what if?" and just see what happens next? This is one of my favorite's.
IT'S YOU Take a walk by midnight To see you dance upon the sea Waves and waves crashing side by side Against the stones of the black keep I have no lantern to light my way Only moonlight beckons me to stay Put down your sword and let the anger leave you This is the night I first believed in you You carry magic You hold it in your hands And where it comes from I dont know As if I had, I had no choice As if I had, I had no mind Hand in the still to hush my voice And cause my fears to fall behind Its you Tonight I hold my hands up high Swallow the need for tears to cry There is nothing up above you now child Only more stars than you can count You carry magic You hold it in your hands And where it comes from now I know As if I had, I had no choice As if I had, I had no mind Hand in the still to hush my voice And cause my fears to fall behind Its you Its you Its you I know its you |
Lorelei Moon
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