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Life Happens: June 14, 2015

6/14/2015

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Wow! For a while I had both, The Mysterious Germoe and the Obvious Funky Ear Tony on the bed with me. Tony is still here sprawled out and snoozing. Germoe has departed to do Mysterious things.
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530PM - 

Suddenly I am impossibly tired.

I decided I had better sit down and eat properly before heading home. It was really good but I'm finding I have no spoons to run the rest of my errands! Eep!

I have really had it with this continuously feeling lousy ON TOP of my already chronic pain and other symptoms. Tomorrow I'll start trying to get an appointment with my doctor again. It would be nice to find out if there's something wrong or if it's just tension and stress.

Going to try to push through. All I have left to do is stop in Pinole on my way home for groceries and allergy meds (I'll see how I feel when I get that far) then Crockett to drop off packing supplies for friends.

​I'd gladly pay you Spoonday for some energy today.

MORRIGHAN : Those who do not live with chronic pain and fatigue might not understand what you're really trying to express. I suppose that would make sense, right? How can one understand what is completely unknown to them. I understand. I'm so sorry, Sister.

ME: Yes. When your body says, "STOP!" it's not kidding around!
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AMIR: Here are some virtual spoons for you.


I have many friends who understand all too well what I am going through!

9PM-
​Finally!  Nothing better than coming home to my own cuddly kitty who is gurgle-purring up a storm!

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Happiness Is!

LiLi is smiling too, really she is!
Matthew: that cat looks like it's barely tolerating you. cute pix tho'.
Me: That's pretty much LiLi's normal expression. It's the reason one of her nicknames is, Grumpitha!
930PM One of the things I like about my strange little secret neighborhood. Not only did I come home to the sound of happy chickens, it sounds suspiciously like my neighbor has a goat. I hear adorable baby goat sounds.
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MORRIGHAN: Goats don't like to be alone. I raised them for several years. They need a friend.
ME:If itis a goat, it may not be here for long. I'm afraid to ask. I grew up in the central valley and sometimes latino families would bring home a goat for a quinceanera or other event and slaughter it to cook shortly before the party. I'm hoping they have it here for milk and that there's a buddy.
GINA: That goat is probably dinner.
TAMMY: Can you get milk for cheese? 
ME: Doubtful. I still haven't been able to score any eggs!

*** Note I heard this goat sound off and on for months. By the end I was pretty sure it was a feral cat that had a strange bleating vocalization.
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11PM - Since y'all won't shut up already and I've had to try to scroll quickly by about 12 posts about Game of Porn, I'm about to watch it now. I just made a pot of Chocolate, Hazelnut, Orange Tea. Pillows are fluffed . Kitty is settled. It's GAME ON!
Looks like at least 10 of you had cows after watching. Now let's see if I have a cow too.
GINA: Game of porn? That's a new one.
ME: I came up with that name after watching the first few episodes.

JASON: Hehe, you said "fluffed" in a post about "Game of Porn."

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1130PM- *cackles of enjoyment*​

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Goodnight

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Politics Happens June 14, 2015

6/14/2015

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When Christians say, "God doesn't make mistakes," I don't know how they account for people like this lady.


‪#‎TheReligiousWrong‬

State Rep Suggests Abortion Is To Blame For California Drought

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Link above.
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"Pro-life activists in Kern County, the district Grove represents, didn’t stand behind Grove’s idea."

I never thought I would agree with pro life activists about anything!
ROBYN: When I was studying history at the University of San Francisco, I had the honor of studying under Monsignor John Tracy Ellis who was at the time a specialist in American Church History. One day in class he said " if you do not have wisdom, you can pray to God, and hopefully he will grant you wisdom. If you do not have knowledge, you can go to school, and there you can find knowledge. However, if you don't have common sense...well, and he shook his head, and lapsed into silence...." Basically there is no cure for people lacking common sense or who are just plain f*cking stupid or mean.

ME: I'm sure I offended a few people with the "mistakes" quote. Personally, I think it's one of the more offensive little sayings since it's usually used to either gloss over things (denial crutch), dismiss science or to support hate speech or ignorance.

I don't think of things that happen as a mistake or not. I think stuff happens that isn't part of any "plan" and for some people their faith helps them deal with it. In it's best form, the saying, "God doesn't make mistakes" is a nice little coping mechanism to make people feel better or accept something that is difficult, say Down's Syndrome. At the worst it's used to push the delusion that homosexuality is a choice. Things go awry in nature whether you think it has to do with God or not. If you are going to bring God into it I think it makes more sense to boost yourself with the thought that God thinks you are good just as you are.
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Life Happens Saturday, June 13, 2015

6/13/2015

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1230AM
More icky "Stupid White People" comments I have seen on threads today:
*note: I am going to add some comtext for people who think this is a "daily feature" or that I am racist, or white shaming, etc.
These were all comments on posts in relation to the story about the white woman who was pretending to be black. These commentators all happened to be white and it stood out against the comments made by people of color and those who were LGBT. The comments reek of priveledge and are ignorant at best. Some if them were blatant bigotry. This wasn't even the worst of it.
I have noticed a trend. As a white person, I find it disturbing and embarrassing. Every time a story comes up regarding priveledge, racism, intolerance or bigotry, virtually all of the insensitive, offensive and dismissive comments come from white people.
I am not a wacko Social Justice Warrior. Yes, I believe that statistics and the experience of many show that priveledge is a real thing, that inequity is still the status quo and hard work will not fix that. I believe, my non white friends when they share theur experiences with me. I believe that the sooner those with priveledge start to listen to those who do not have it so lucky, the sooner we will start to have a more functional society.
So yes, these are comments of ignorance made by people who happen to be white. All white people are not stupid but these people certainly don't come off as being that bright or culturally aware.
Instead of being pissed off at me, you should be horrified at what comes out of their mouths.
KEVIN: It's not as if she'd be the first young white person that associated themselves more heavily with blacks or black culture. Sure, if she lied, misrepresented, then there's an issue. But overall -- checking a box on a piece of paper is so drastically different than blowing away someone unarmed or manhandling a 14-year-old girl at a pool party...IMHO...
URSULA: She's transracial.
NICK: Is it anyone else's business what someone else does, whether truth was told or not?
N: If she were a male to female trans, her parents would be shamed for outing her.
CHRISTINA: I think they (gender and race) are both issues of identity. No real difference. But then again, I have the media unpopular view that transgender is a mental disorder. But I think there are lots of mental disorders we now consider regular or normal
N: How is it different from MtoF trans women demanding to be a part of the feminist movement? Is her experience individual as with gender choices or is it social?
KURT: Hopefully everyone slamming this lady for lying about her backstory will start also slamming all trans people in history who attempted to pass, fearing lack of acceptance or possible violence. Then their position will be revealed for what it truly is.
BRYAN: Everywhere I read, I only find that the source of a claim that she's white are her parents. Seriously... that's the source of the claim she's white?
If we're supposed to believe the parents because they simply say so, why don't we believe her claim of her father (a black man), because she says so?
*note with the exception of one of these people these are NOT friends of mine.

2PM The Germoe is still being mysterious but I have two orange shadows and they are very cute! I don't have to put out any effort with Funky Ear Tony. All I have to do is put a hand within reach and he uses it to pet himself.
‪#‎notsleepingalonetonight‬
312PM As you can see, Funky Ear Tony is making me work very hard.

930PM- I wish I could chalk today's misunderstandings up to the last shenanigans of Mercury Retrograde. But the thing is, this ALWAYS applies. Good, CLEAR communication is VITAL to working.relationship, friendships and romantic ones. It's important to be clear about what you want and make sure the person understands what you want and agree. Taking your time even when you might be stressed or rushed will mean less misunderstanding and ensure things get done the way you want or need them to. And if you have concerns, ask, "is it your intention to do such and such?" rather than make assumptions that someone os going to act against your wishes or use poor judgement . I should also add that if someone is asking you for something or giving you what seems like important information you should do your best to confirm what they are saying, ask for clarification, ask them to take their time and get the information to you in a format that you can understand. And if you think your response might not be clear enough, go further. Even if the responsibility really belongs to the other person, try to take a bit on.

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Life Happens June 12, 2015

6/12/2015

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330AM Yes! I'm awake!
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2PM Peter has some wonderful stories.about Chtistopher Lee. Last year when we sat and chatted, he shared some of these with me in a conversation last year, including the anecdote about Dachau.
"If it was as logical as that, I wouldn't continue to feel as bad as I do. I know what you're saying, and you're absolutely right in a way. But logic and rationality only go so far. But you know what happens? When your heart adds its two cents everything reasonable goes right-out-the-window."
from my favorite Jonathan Carroll book, "Bones of the Moon"
There was a lot of reaction to the Rachel Dolezol story today.
3PM Yes, if you get tempted to excuse white people for pretending they are black, just stop it right now. And don't even think about using the terms, "trans-ethnic" or "trans-racial." Can you not understand how offensive that is to people of color and transgender people?
6PM   I have seen cis-gendered white people say some pretty stupid things today about things they are in no way qualified to make any serious comment about. Some of it has been for the pure "sake of discussion" which in this case seems thin. People who experience bigotry don't have the luxury of simply having a theoretical discussion about it.But in the midst of all the stupid, obtuse (my new favorite word) commentary and argument one person made a brilliant statement:
The only people saying privilege does not exist are the ones who use it.
Stupid White People
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Midnight-  Well I was hoping some people.would be game for the sheer goofy fun that will be Jurrasic World tomorrow but so far I've mostly heard the sound of disinterested crickets. :-(. And the people I know going to see it are doing the mooshy couple date thing.I kind of remember what being on a date is like. I vaguely remember what being part of a couple (or more) was like. I thought I had friends that liked to go see movies in groups.
I think I'll just go see it during the week if no one speaks up. Definitely, not going to go this weekend alone. It's really a share this kind of ride.

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Floundering

6/11/2015

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More often than not these days I feel rather useless. It's not that I am actually useless. I have limitations due to my disability but I still have a lot of skills. I offer to help with things a lot, whenever I can, but having the offer accepted, being asked, being able to actually pitch in is what makes me feel like I have a reason to keep going.
One thing I have realized in the last few years is that I am a nurturer and caregiver. It is a role I always slip into when there's a need with friends, housemates, partners, even strangers. I don't have friends who live close to me anymore. I don't have a love partner to cook or do things for. I don't see either of these things changing soon. It's harder to see the friends I have because of distance. And constantly dealing with basic needs and financial hurdles doesn't help either. As much as I hate to be the one who needs or who asks for help, I've been amazed amd blessed by what people have done to help me through, especially recently! I've learned to accept it even though it's hard by knowing that I can always find a way to pay it forward! But it never feels like enough!
So, more often than not I find myself more frustrated and less optimistic. Boy, that is something I really do not like. There are things I started to be involved in that I knew I had valuable things to bring to but my circumstances made it impossible to follow through. I thought a move and cheaper rent would give me peace of mind and more time to create but it wasn't enough of a change.
I have made progress but I am mostly treading water these days in a sea with no land on the horizon. That's exhausting! The ship hasn't sailed without me. It has sunk. I am hoping that my dreams will float to the surface again and that i will find that alternate way to get across the ocean.
It is such a waste to have been blessed with a good brain, so much creative talent, so much love, an appreciation and desire to see the world and a heart that wants to do so much to make other's improve their life and achieve their dreams if this is all there is going to be, treading water and slowly sinking. This can't be where I stay.
And I know so many people feel like this. So many people end up watching their dreams sink and spend their lives going through the motions until they die. Some never give up though they never go anywhere. It's very sad sometimes, being human.
And no matter how independent we are, we really can't go it alone. We can't solve everything ourselves but sometimes we don't have help either. No man is an island but he can be voted off it. And the grandest irony if all is we can be surrounded by love and still feel so alone and unwanted.
It's complicated being human. And it's hard for a lot of us. As someone who has been forged by abuse and trauma I am both steel and rose petals. I give up and I open my heart. I find value and joy by helping people I care about with little things and sometimes big ones. I find meaning and value in my scars by helping people whose lives have been altered by abuse find their value and perhaps a happier path.
Some days that is all my heart beats for.
But lately, it's having a hard time and I just don't know what to do about it. I seem incapable of fixing anything or moving forward. No matter how many fresh views I try to take, it looks the same. All my tools seem to be inadequate. Hope is something I used to be able to see no matter how hazy the view was. Now I can rarely catch a glimpse on a good day. This does not bode well.
I know this sounds like I am really depressed. It's worse than that I'm feeling resignation. I'm still fighting acceptance. This cannot be all there is. After all this I have to figure it out, don't I? It is amazing how a heart can be so strong despite being pulled apart so many times. I think that after so many grafts and surgeries enough of the original is missing that it looses structural integrity. It's beats are numbered.
Is it delusional to think somehow things will turn around or should I accept that this is the rest of my life? Will I only make my contributions in small sporadic bursts. Will all my creativity come in fits and starts then float off into the ether? Will that just have to be enough? Will my heart have thrown all its love to the undeserving without ever being filled back up? Am I going to live in places that I can't thrive, giving up more and more of the things that make me happy until I am either one of those shell people or I just stop? Ugh. I hope not.
I have never been good at giving up. That's possibly the only reason I am still here. My stubbornness and my sense of responsibility. One would think that eventually both would pay off. Just being here is not enough. I have to be doing SOMETHING with my life besides treading water!
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Life Happens June 11, 2015

6/11/2015

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Midnight: I thought for a moment it was going to be Hamlet redux but then like in real life some people found redemption and others took a step toward finding a way.
That's good art.
‪#‎AmericanCrime‬

Politics / Rascism: Today's winner from ‪#‎SeanToon911‬ 
Yes, Police? I'd like to report a suspicious looking black man who's partially blocking Jupitor.

​130 PM - The birds are singing and the sun is shining yet today has a huge shadow upon it. Several of us woke to the news via Peter's publisher, Connor, that Christopher Lee had passed away. Such an amazing man and a great actor. I know a l lot of us were hoping he would reprise his role as King Haggard when the live action version of The Last Unicorn finally gets made! One of the highlights of sitting and chatting with Peter when I helped out on the tour were his anecdotes about Christopher Lee. Even at the ripe age of 93, it's a big loss.

​Also, Actor, Ron Moody has died.

Oh Christ on a cracker! Christopher Lee, Ron Moody AND Ornette Coleman!
2PM Ah. So today is the day of depressing things. 
First weird dreams, then the deaths of two greatsnand now, Anne Lammot goes off the deep end with her crass comments about Caitlyn Jenner. So disappointed in her ignorance because she has written and said some wonderful insightful words. Really impressed that her son stepped in on her Twitter feed and corrected her in a loving way. So much *face palm*
Famed Author Anne Lamott Says She’ll Call Caitlyn Jenner “She” “When the Pee-Pee is Gone”
230PM 
​What is keeping me going right now?
Responsibility mostly.
My cat who is the most precious creature in my world.
A handful of helpful things I've agreed to do.
A few scattered pet-sitting dates on my calendar.
These things are good and there is some joy in them. They feed my soul just enough to keep it here. But I need more.
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430PM  - Although the things I have endured in my life would spin many people into a depression nearly impossible to pull out of, they don't overwhelm me because I have not only survived them, for the most part, but have also been able to do many positive things in spite of them.

​Most of my bouts of depression are situational. I think it is this way for a lot of people. Either they can't change their situation or can't see how to change it. In my case it's a little of both. And even though I have been stuck in a hard situation which I've been helpless to change for some time I still find ways to be productive and happy in spite of it.
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How happy and productive I'd be if my situation could change permanently!
530 PM I really appreciate the people who put their two cents in (in a good way) when I am processing frustration or sadness. It helps at times to be reminded that I am not invisible. In the spirit of cheering up, Jurassic World opens this weekend and I will be in the Oakland area.
I don't see any way this can not be fun! Plus a rare thing I get to enjoy Chrid Pratt and BD Wong in one film. Wait! I see Irrfan Khan is in it too! Anyone game to go see it with me in crazy 3D? A group of friends would be lovely. If the weekend is bad, I might be persuaded to wait until next week.
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Current Events

6/10/2015

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I don't think I need a caption here...

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Munchies From The Insomniac's Kitchen!

6/10/2015

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Tonight's snack of awesome: Teriyaki popcorn!

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Mario De La Torre Oh no you didn't!
Lorelei Moon  Yes. I did. It was amazing! I mixed some of Trader Joe's Teriyaki sauce with butter and drizzled it over! One of my best ideas yet!
Mario De La Torre Yikes!
Lorelei Moon  You must have missed my peanut butter popcorn.
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