It dawned on me today that I never asked myself, the universe or anyone else the questions, “Why does life have to always be so hard? Why do I have to bear the brunt of so much anger? Why is there so much pain and sorrow?”
With the exception of a distant voice of protest that would pop into my head during the worst moments, mostly I took for granted that this was the way it was supposed to be. This was my lot in life and I would always suffer. There had to be something fundamentally wrong with me, something very bad that deserved all the abuse and hardship. It’s astounding that I never really had any idea what happiness or contentment felt like before the age of 40. I suppose that in itself is sad.
But I am also grateful because I have learned that the hand I was dealt had nothing to do with me. The shame for other’s actions is not mine to bear. I don’t have to feel responsible for the garbage they have hurled at me or in some cases continue to leave around for me to trip over. Even when a life-lesson takes the better part of a life-time it’s well worth it when you have life left over after graduation!
I can also say now that I did not live my life in it’s entirety without joy or pleasure or love. And because I am open to receive these things and know that I indeed deserve them, life is richer. It doesn’t really make the residual shite any easier to bear, but those moments of light and delight eclipse the shadows long enough that I can gather strength to keep making my way. This is the satisfaction of rummaging around in Pandora’s box. There may be a lot of scary stuff in there, but if you keep at it long enough, you find hope! And that’s a treasure worth carrying with you.
With the exception of a distant voice of protest that would pop into my head during the worst moments, mostly I took for granted that this was the way it was supposed to be. This was my lot in life and I would always suffer. There had to be something fundamentally wrong with me, something very bad that deserved all the abuse and hardship. It’s astounding that I never really had any idea what happiness or contentment felt like before the age of 40. I suppose that in itself is sad.
But I am also grateful because I have learned that the hand I was dealt had nothing to do with me. The shame for other’s actions is not mine to bear. I don’t have to feel responsible for the garbage they have hurled at me or in some cases continue to leave around for me to trip over. Even when a life-lesson takes the better part of a life-time it’s well worth it when you have life left over after graduation!
I can also say now that I did not live my life in it’s entirety without joy or pleasure or love. And because I am open to receive these things and know that I indeed deserve them, life is richer. It doesn’t really make the residual shite any easier to bear, but those moments of light and delight eclipse the shadows long enough that I can gather strength to keep making my way. This is the satisfaction of rummaging around in Pandora’s box. There may be a lot of scary stuff in there, but if you keep at it long enough, you find hope! And that’s a treasure worth carrying with you.
RSS Feed
