I've been in a thoughtful mood of late. I thought a lot of things in my life had finally become stable, but instead they are flipping on their head once again. This year has had its fair share of beginnings and endings, break throughs and challenges, grief and immense joy! I've just ended a romantic relationship with someone I dearly love and am working on transforming it into a different kind of relationship. 

I thought I was settled where I am living but my landlady pounced on me as soon as she found out I won my disability case. She wants me to move out. So, instead of focusing on finishing all the things I need to do for disability, getting my car fixed and making a bunch of appointments. I hate having to fragment my focus like this. It makes it really hard to get things done. However, more often I am getting confirmations that this is the wrong place to be so the search for a new home at an affordable rent is on.

I thought it might be interesting to look back for a few years and see what was happening in my life on the day I am writing. I'm mostly referencing Facebook for this because all of my diaries were in storage and therefore lost. My memory is erratic so I write things down!

2009
Things were pretty good that year. My business was still doing okay, but jobs were declining with the economy. I had my house. I had all my animals! My relationship with "Voldemort" still seemed good. It was only after leaning that my ex was a diagnosed antisocial personality, (commonly called a sociopath) and after finding some of his diaries in which he calmly, methodically described the way he was successfully manipulating his friends and also his plans for gaslighting me that I realized the first three "wonderful" years when he would constantly tell me I was the best thing that ever happened to him, weren't real. I was useful to him during that time. That is all.

We were vegetarians at the time, I presume he still is. I was technically, pescatarian,  because I ate fish. 

My aunt asked me, "Do you eat other meats like poultry...it is Thanksgiving coming up this week. "

I replied, "Nope, just fish, but I eat eggs and dairy. And if some meat product slips in, I don't like it but I don't have a cow. (pun intended)"

That evening, November 20, 2009, I also went with friends to see a really fun band (think wireless rock god cello solo while crowd surfing) called Tornado Rider. I believe they are still around, but I haven't heard from them in a while!

2010: 
I hadn't lost my house yet, but I knew it was probably inevitable! I was in the beginning stages of recovering from and dealing with the aftermath of the whole, my boyfriend tried to kill me thing, but I had a new beau.
Ultimately, the new beau turned out not to be such a great guy, but he was treating me well and doing wonders for my self esteem, also making me feel safe since my ex was still jonesing for blood and ducking being served with the restraining order. (I’m pretty sure he hadn’t been served yet anyway) 
I had been really nervous about going out but I went to see Brian Kenney Fresno at The Starry Plough cuz, well, Brian Kenney Fresno. It was awesome!

2011: 
I was still looking desperately for a place while I was stuck in the roach infested apartment of a mentally unstable, abusive packrat! I was pretty depressed. I was pregnant and didn't know it. I had been through some pretty tough times but this time was pretty bleak.  I was being threatened every day and was so grateful for the lock on my bedroom door! 

I didn't tell many people about my housing predicament because the person I was living with was enmeshed in my community and like most hoarders, hid her problem very well. There were only a few friends who had been over to see it and she wasn't very happy about being outed!

Even her best friends hadn't been to her apartment. I cried every night I spent there.

However, I was looking forward to a reprieve; house-sitting in a beautiful apartment in San Francisco over the Christmas holiday! It was a countdown! I had my precious kitty and more and more I was finding I had some pretty amazing friends in my corner.

2012: 
Last year. I had been living here for 10 months and thought I’d be able to settle in for a good long time. I was enjoying being single. I was starting to move out of my grief after miscarrying. I felt wanted. It was really rough still being on welfare and having to scramble for my rent and bills, the disability case dragging on and on. I was really sick, had a nasty virus but I posted a picture of a cute kitty in a tree with orange leaves!

I posted several quotes that day:

And I promoted my friend Amelia’s Kickstarter campaign! By the way, the resulting album is amazing and you should buy it! Here is a link!

2013:
And where am I today looking back at all those November 20th's?
(besides being really grateful I'm not back in 2010 or 2011!)

I am happy AND sad. I am much more grounded in being myself. I know who I am and what I want and importantly, what I am not willing to put up with. I am mourning what's passing that I thought had value and enthusiastically looking forward!

I had plans today, but wasn't able to connect, then found out that's because my dear friend is really sick! I got some writing in, but the internet crashed before I could post it!  When I went downstairs to reset the router I discovered that my poor little car has been the victim of a hit and run. This just means additional time and money before I can drive it again. So the day has taken a very different turn from what I expected. That's ok. I have learned to roll with it whether I like it or not!

The icing on the cake was getting a ride to Calling All Choir to rehearse with the San Francisco Chapter tonight. I've missed weeks and weeks of this and it was such a joy to be able to sing with such wonderful voices. I am so grateful that Mark lets me come when my schedule permits! Tonight we recorded one of my favorite pieces, Moonlight! I feel recharged, calmer and a bit more focused! It goes to show you that even when things are most challenging, there is joy to be had and much to be grateful for!

Upon reflection, some of these November 20th's were not so great! But when I look back I see hope and I see progress!

It will get better. It already is.

Happy place moments. 

When I walk through my neighborhood I see and experience things you won’t find everywhere else, like being paid a compliment by, Mr Nancy *(Anansi, see note below), like a band playing on top of an, “Occupy” bus, like a yard bursting with flowers, gnomes and gargoyles, lofts that couldn’t possibly be lofts next to a carriage house that could be, or a bit of garbage on a tree stump that looks more like an offering carefully placed than random items thoughtlessly discarded!
 * Slide show of snapshots from my walk to follow.

Affirmation that my friends are awesome and even people that don’t know me think I’m worth investing some energy in. 

Molly Blue Dawn swooped me up so I could take care of a kitty today and also drove me to pick up some gorgeous silk hanging lantern-style lamps  (Sort of like these) that a woman I’ve been corresponding with because of  Freecycle was giving me. 

I’m thrilled that anyone bothers to read this blog and ecstatic if they bring something positive away from it. This woman wrote, “I read your blog (well, part of it). It is very moving and inspiring and I wish you the best. Your generosity in the face of such difficulties is amazing! “ Wow! That was kind of awesome to read in the middle of trying times!

She has passed quite a few things my way as she’s been purging at home and while doing so has been incredibly thoughtful. This evening I finally met her, her husband and played peek-a-boo with her adorable toddler! 

She likes the idea of what I call my “ritual soaps” (Using the power of intention along with luxurious scented soaps to make bathing a mindful experience, washing the dirt away and manifesting your desires at the same time!) and has some awesome ideas I can incorporate.

 It’s nice when people who don’t even know you are rooting for you! And kinda awesome when you get to meet interesting people in ways you don’t expect. 

My therapist wants me to get in touch with my anger. 

Hmm. Does he really want to unleash my “big green guy?” 

I have a LOT to be angry about and justifiably so. When I expressed to him my ambivalence about directly blaming a couple of people for a big portion of the situation I’ve been struggling with, trying to let them off the hook because they originally meant well and because I always try to look at my part in things, he pointed out that Lady Justice wears a blindfold so that she can judge fairly. He suggested that my holding them accountable was indeed the fair assessment and that maybe it’s time I stopped buying into other people trying to shift the blame on me when they are the ones who have behaved badly. Interesting. 

Shoving those obstacles aside!

So, I decided to take advantage of a more well placed rage and go attack the stuff I have stored in the basement. But first I had to attack the stuff surrounding it.

We have a huge basement and my landlady has issues with it getting too full of people’s stuff. Sometimes when one of us goes down to reset the router she can be heard raising her voice in a panic, “You’re not putting anything else in the basement are you?  

From the beginning, I had been assured of a certain amount of space and was even encouraged to set up a work area down there. I’ve been very careful not to spread my stuff out any further, even if I add to it. But lately every time I go down there mystery stuff is either on top of mine or piled in the way so I can’t get to my things. I move it away and the pile of oddities keeps returning, each time oozing over more area and becoming more difficult to navigate!

Tonight, I headed down into the dank dim underbelly of the house cursing in anticipation, took the stuff off of my things, moved it over so I can get to my boxes and even sit at my desk. I reorganized my area. By the time I was done, I was dirty, and sneezing and too tired to do anything else, but I didn’t care. If my stuff gets buried again, heads will roll! 

And now to Expand on the aforementioned Mr Nancy (Anansi) reference:

Walking through the hood, I meet some real characters and I get some interesting reactions when I make eye contact, smile and say, "Hello!" 

(I know, I know, I would drive people in New York crazy!)

So I shared this with Molly Blue Dawn and as usual, she knew just what had happened:

Today, as I'm walking to BART  I see an older, very dapper African American gentleman, in a pumpkin orange suit and derby type hat, with a purple shirt and tie. It wasn't garish, it looked sharp, at least on him. Everything was perfect, not a stich out of place! He was carrying a curious object made of polished wood which looked like it could have been a musical instrument or a religious item, but I couldn't get a good look at it!

I wanted to ask if I could take his picture, but I had a feeling that if I stopped to talk to him I'd have a hard time getting away! I have to say that I also wondered if I would look later and find the picture hadn’t turned out or had disappeared. It was one of those weird moments that doesn’t feel quite real.

I smiled and said, "Hello, how are you?" while continuing to walk. 

He smiled real big as he passed and then stopped and said, "Well, hello beautiful. Now I mean that, you are really beautiful, you just keep on doin' what youre doin'' 

When I said, Thanks, but didn't stop, he stood there a minute and then just sauntered on.

Molly said, "You know who that was, don't you? Mr Nancy!" I think she could be right! 

I have been going through a real downer dip of the cosmic yo yo this summer. That snap upward that follows hitting the end of the string this time really hurt. There are days that it seems a more constant peace of mind and a chance at real stability are in site and yet it also feels like a mirage, a place I can never quite reach.

My tenacity always kicks in in the face of despair. I find my happy places where I can; my cat, my lovely friends, the constant click of my camera, flirting relentlessly, finding ways to be creative, being of service to others, letting my voice sing loud and true, the good company of Hobbit-like friends and lovers and laughter by any means! If I can instigate that laughter all the better!

Yes, things are improving, but l am still really stressed . My body is mad at me for pushing it in ways that I shouldn't because I still have transportation issues. It's difficult to turn down work or be passed up for jobs because I don't have a car.  I'm still short on my rent & phone payments every month. If people weren't making donations, I wouldn't have household necessities or toiletries at all. I've pushed through some really awful personal events as well as dealing with the horrible injury and subsequent death of one of our household cats!

Despite this last bout of suck, I'm happy to be bringing levity back into my life. For a couple of weeks there I couldn't laugh at anything. Life without "silly" is like being stuck in a bucket of sludgy grey wallpaper paste that's about to be used to put up beige paper with flocked mushrooms on it; just imagine the worst patterns of the 70's, but with less color. Yeah, that about sums it up! 

Give me my wild vibrant colors of mirth and silliness back and I can make something beautiful out of that! 

* Below is a plethora of all kinds of little jokes, cuteness, and silly  images that my friends have posted or I've come across; things that have made me smile, smirk or giggle. You can stop the player anytime or click through manually. If you're having a bad day, come back and use it as fodder for cheering up. *Warning there are some political jokes and some blue humor so if you are easily offended....Wait! Does ayone easily offended actually read MY blog? Enjoy!