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Every Day Brings New Opportunities for Magic, Learning, Humility, Gratitude, Laughter OH, and A NEW WEBSITE!

8/27/2012

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I am so behind on blog posts! I currently have three in progress that need to be finished and posted (One on Oshun, that comes with a pancake recipe, another, in part, deals with processing the easiest romantic split I’ve ever made, and one is on magical houses) AND NOW I am working on a new website, a joint venture between myself and Molly Blue Dawn! It is the process of working on this new project that spurred this bit of writing on and into completion! (yaay! I completed something!)

Something happened this past weekend that for lack of a better word, I found "interesting.".Some might look at it as informative, but the only substantive thing I can really take from it is that people think  highly of my friend Molly and I already knew that! Still, I surprised myself in two ways; first, that truly old insecure habits of thinking are not so easily rid of and secondly, I am getting so much better at working through what makes me cringe. Most of the time these days I have a genuine strong sense of self, that "Empress Dammit," that while sensitive to other people's feelings finds their critical opinions of her fairly insignificant.

So, as you read this post, you may think I am off on a rant or feeling sorry for myself. That's not the case. My hopes in exposing my most vulnerable self as well as my process of recovery from, after years of trauma and abuse at the hands of those I should have been able to trust, a very unhappy life is that even one person reading this will know that they are not alone. There is hope. There is happiness in self knowledge and joy in recovery!


Some of us go through life always feeling like that unpopular kid, the last one picked for the team, the only one uninvited to the party. Everything feels personal.  This can come from years of domestic violence, chronic criticism from those close to us or one traumatic event such as a sexual assault that brought our world crashing down. Or our self esteem may have been slowly crushed by nothing so dramatic. I seek to help those who constantly question their worth by comparing themselves to others, feel as if nothing they ever do is enough, or that no one sees them for who they are. 


This is my process of claiming myself. This is my process of breaking through some deeply embedded negative programming! If writing about these things can help ANYONE, it is worth it.

So, buckle up, this blog goes several places. There's exciting news and creative ventures, and interesting (at least to me) observations that lead to some heavier fare.
  
*As usual, there are a lot of little linky "Easter Eggs" that may take you off on a tangent if you like. Some are fun, some are a bit "blue" and not for everyone so be warned.

Here we go!

TRUMPET FANFARE!!!!!

Molly and I have had a website idea in the works for some time. I bought the domain name we wanted over a year ago and it’s been “that thing we are planning” for way too long. So, this past weekend, I vowed to at least get the page up and running! Now we’ll be forced to work on content if we don’t want it languishing!


Information! I  Want Information!


While working on the bios, since Molly wasn't there to tell me what she thought was important, I decided to put a post on Facebook asking people who know Molly well to give me some information on accomplishments of hers   I might have missed and anything they thought worth mentioning. I got an amazing flood of rich commentery in response. Since most of it was about her character and people's experiences with her and much was perfectly worded, I got the idea to keep our bios as is, but also to add a "What people have to say about ..." section at the end. 


Of course this meant that I would need to do the same thing for my bio, so I threw it out there, shortly after I posted about Molly, tagging a lot of the same people as well as some who have known and worked with me for years. The response was dramaticly different. Let's just say, people didn't have much to say, or much of substance to say about me. They did have nice things to say, but, results ranged from comments on how pretty my photo was, to jokes, to simple answers with one or two basic compliments from some of the same people who gave Molly a paragraph. 



This may sound like a "sour grapes" attitude, but no, for whatever reason one round of comments was a flood the other a trickle.

Granted, some of these people have known Molly much longer than they’ve known me, but I thought they knew me pretty well. If someone asked me to say something about any of the people who I asked for comments, I could  and would certainly do more than a generalized sentence. Maybe that's just another thing that makes me different from most people. I really know the impact a comment or compliment can have so I tend not to skimp! Some of the briefest responses came from people who I've gone through hell AND high water for and from people who have seen me continuously be of help to others despite going through the worst of personal circumstances. 

The point was not to force me to balance out  the "Things people have to say about Molly" section by "making up" equally weighted compliments about my character for the “Things people have to say about Lorelei”  portion. In the past, people just saying I was pretty in a picture would have sent me over the moon! Now I appreciate it, but not so much when I’m looking for something of more substance that I can post on a bio! Surely people know my character and deeds by now!  

So, the experience left me: 
  • A bit frustrated
  • A bit curious. Why did I get such vastly different responses?
  • A bit vexed as my old insecurities started to pop up
  • A bit warm and fuzzy about some of the nice things that were said
  • A bit amused by some of the comments that weren't what I was looking for.

The Empress Dammit ,
On Learning How To Accept Results 
You Had Rather Not.....

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In the past, I would have been crushed after reading. Despite people actually having said quite nice things about me, I wouldn't have been able too digest that part of it. I would have only felt the lack and very little else. I would have  internalized it into a turbulent stew in my gut that would have carried on for days!  

Thankfully, now that I have “The Empress Dammit” attitude, I'm not feeling hurt or slighted or reading things into this as I would have in the past.  (This is not to say, I didn't have to go through a little process in order to come to that point as you'll see when you read on) I didn't really get what I needed and that is the crux of it. I don't need to make up a personal reason to explain why I didn't get what I needed.

I remain more than a smidge curious about the reasons why people didn't extol many of the virtues I'd like to think, they think I have, when they knew  I was “listening.” And I’m kind of disappointed that the inequity in feedback will prevent me from doing  the things with the bios that were inspired by those wonderful comments about Molly. I think it would have been swell! 

In all honesty, it was hard not to make comparisons, impossible not to pause and hold a comment like,  "A woman of the highest, more precise integrity!" said about Molly  (and so very true) up against, "bunnies love you!" and "such a lovely smile"  (Also true, just not nearly as impressive) and not deflate for a minute! 

How do I respond to this "feedback?" Is there any need to? I thought I was putting much more out into the world and to have what is mirrored back be so out of focus instaed of what I expected makes me want to question if I am doing enough. Yet, there are so many times when people see me so clearly and I know I am on the absolute right path! 

 I have to admit that for that first moment, I saw the disparity between the comments and thought, "I guess I have to try harder." Try harder to do what? Be a better person? To be taken more seriously? Do more for people? Do a better job of being seen and heard? What? What do I have to do?


Oh goodness! While I will always want to do more to improve things for others! I have to say, I am doing just fine! I'm working hard. I'm seeing progress. i'm even getting close to some of my goals. "I'm good enough, and I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!" 


Molly and I are both fabulous people. Molly deserves all that praise!  If I think I deserved higher praise than I got, It doesn't follow that I should measure MYSELF by other people's opinions of MOLLY!
 
I’m still working on it, but I realize I have come a long way in not taking things personally. Molly would be the first to remind me that,  no information is exactly that, no information.  

First off,  it's Facebook. 


People might see your post or tag or they might not. They might intend to comment and then other things (hopefully real life) will distract them. We can’t know why people respond (or don't) the way they do (or don't). The response or lack thereof  is only part of the info. 


It could be that people have plenty of nice things to say about me, but they feel awkward when I am the one asking them for the info. Perhaps the results might have been different if Molly had put the same question out about me to the community. Perhaps not. 

It could be that despite all I do, people really don't SEE me after all. I hope that’s not the case. It could mean or not mean a whole lot of things, but until I get the actual info all it means is I can’t include all those lovely things that people said because it would be glaringly odd to have one bio gushing with compliments and the other iced with lighter fare.

Ultimately, I'm grateful for all the comments people made and for another opportunity to learn.  And, even though The Empress is entitled to make judgement, I'm accepting all comments as what they are, gifts given freely and with good will. I may not be able to use them on the website but my heart can make very good use of them. Thank you all for your kind words and willingness to help!


News! Glorious News!

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I was relieved to find out Molly is happy with the bios as is and doesn’t feel the need to add anything more at the moment! So the website is GO! Check it out HERE! We’d love your feedback. Give us ideas. Let us know how it looks on your browser, etc!  

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In other news, I have started a new feature which will share magical recipes from The Insomniac’s Kitchen. Each has step by step directions. Eventually, Molly and I will make You Tube videos of these recipes and post them on our site as well. You can see the first post HERE! It's, "Bring Me Some Sweetness Pancakes" for Love, Health and Prosperity! I make a lot of pancakes. It's kind of like Waitress, but with pancakes instaed of pies!

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I also tend bar for Bay Area Gothic events and make a lot of my own cocktail recipes. I am working on a menu page people can check out before events. You can take a gander at the progress HERE!  

Come to the dark side! We serve our cupcakes with rum drinks!

Warning! You could get tipsy just reading the page!
  


Just The Posts Maam!

 Here are the transcripts of the two Facebook posts I made. This is also an opportunity for me to post publicly, the AWESOME things (all very true) that people said about Molly! In each post I tagged about 27 people, many of them were the same. We have a lot of friends in common. Molly is not on Facebook. 


* I have omitted the names to respect the privacy of the friends who made posts!

The post about Molly got 23 "likes" and four people left  fantastic comments! I got 11 "likes” and comments from 10 people, including my mom who I had not tagged (Thanks Mom) and several people who don’t know me, but are friends of the people I tagged. Rather than compare them and say I had kind of an epic fail, yet not a total fail, I say, eh, it’s Fac-E-Book! 


Digression Opportunity: Why does Molly call it Fac-E Book? Watch THIS

Post 1: In WhichMolly is Fabulous!

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The funny thing about working on a bio page is you suddenly realize you've done a whole heck of a lot in your life! It's like a resume, but not nearly as frustrating! The trick becomes paring it down, and doing that third person thing without sounding ridiculous! Molly is happy with what's there, but I don't think it's quite right so Molly Blue Dawn admirers, please let me know a few things I might want to make sure she gets credit for! What does she need credit for, what does she do/know that's amazing? 


On the list so far, CAYA, You Tube, Laughter Yoga, Anthropology, ritual theater, work with pagan organizations, tarot.. So, what else? 


PERSON 1: Permissions! She gives lovely permissions. She tells people all the fun things to do!

(This is in reference to Molly’s wonderful blog, “The Wishbringer” which posts bay area events weeky and also has a feature, “Permission to”)

Lorelei Moon YES! PERSON1! I did mention her blog and there is a link to it!

PERSON 1:  She's a fabulous welcomer. She makes it look so easy to greet you and make sure you feel at home in a new situation, and then she makes you feel glad you came back. And by "you" I of course mean "me."

(This also, is so true. Go to an event and Molly is often the first person to greet you, hug you, andmake you instantly feel at home!

PERSON 2: Friend to children, babysitter extraordinaire, and fairy of serendipity!


Lorelei Moon Ooh, PERSON 1, I like the way you word that. And it is something I would like to get across! Thanks!

PERSON 3 · 19 mutual friends
A veritable font of information and a fantastic hugger!

Lorelei Moon OMG! Yes! I must include the hugging! Perhaps we should have a little “what people have to say about us”  section after the so called serious list of accomplishments. Hmmm.

PERSON 4: A woman of the highest, more precise integrity, a fantastic writer, an incredible storyteller, the geek who knows everything, someone who truly loves you even when she is being stern with you, a thrift store genius, full of excellent health information, a beautiful ecstatic dancer, a great drummer, a wonderful priestess!

(True x10!)

Lorelei Moon So, looking at this I am now thinking perhaps I will have the blurb of interests and accomplishments followed by "what people have to say about Molly" I think that might be fun. 

Post 2: In Which A Whole Lot of,Well Not Much, Happens 
but People Do Have Some Nice Things To Say About Me.

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Okay, with a bit of trepidation, I guess it's my turn on this bio thing! I'm including a bunch of things I do and have done magically and musically, my work with animals, theater, art, anthropology, bartending and of course my blogs. So friends and colleagues what do you think someone coming across the bios on our page should know about my accomplishments & personally? This is a huge help, everyone! Thanks! 

PERSON 5: Nice...necklace.

(This is someone whose work I admire and we joke around on each other’s pages frequently)

PERSON 6: · (8 Mutual Friends ) What a cute pic! such a lovely smile!

Lorelei Moon Uh, Will, that's not exactly what I was looking for, but thanks.

Lorelei Moon Ack! It's a Stuart Smalley moment! "I am just a fool.. I.. I don't know what I'm doing.. they're gonna cancel the show.. I'm gonna die homeless and penniless and twenty pounds overweight..  and no one will ever love me.." 


Nobody's going to have ANYTHING to say about me are they?

PERSON 7: that pic is soooooo you!! i love it!!!

(While I appreciate the compliment on the picture, PERSON 7 is someone I know well. i  really admire her and we’ve both been there for each other in tough situations so I was surprised she didn't say more.)


Lorelei Moon Ok, I may have made a grave mistake here! (oh gosh, there's an unintended pun as this photo was taken in a cemetery) I appreciate all the comments on the photo (oh heck I love a compliment and I will save it for my next shitty day) but what I was hoping for was content for my "About Lorelei Moon" bio section on Molly's and my site.

PERSON 8: That when it comes to singing Fleetwood Mac....no one compares!!! Hahahaha

(PERSON 8 met me at a party where Molly and I sang and danced to most of a Fleetwood Mac album and it was a blast! Our joint mission on FB seems to be making each other laugh, frequently!)  

Lorelei Moon: ‎PERSON 8,  when I was younger I sang very low (could even sing base) and my band used to push me to do Fleetwood Mac & Stevie Nicks songs so I learned to do a pretty good fake. It helped that I was a little gypsy witch who loved shawls and fabric. Now my range has stretched a bit and I have to work to do it!

Person 9: (2 Mutual Friends)
can't wait to check it out!

(She had originally typed that she had checked it out, hence my response)

Lorelei Moon
Person 9  what did you check out? Or was that just a misstype? I haven't given the link yet for the new site. Or did you mean my current web site? www,loreleimoon.net which also needs yet more work! It never ends!


Person 9:  I meant I checked out your page...forgive me, I am a little tired & goofy right now..LOL!

Person 1; You are vivacious. You are good at asking for what you need and being thankful when you get it. You are a good appreciator. (Did I spell that right?)

(Person 1 as in Molly’s comments. Thanks Person 1! This is a woman I like and admire greatly and I know she means it!)

Person 10:  What a great picture.

(Person 10 is someone who doesn’t know me well yet,but has observed me working pretty hard and definitely knows some things about me so I was glad she added more!)

Person 10: You are honest, a good communicator, and very generous.

Person 4:  You have an unflagging cheerful disposition, and bunnies love you!

(There’s some irony in this as Person 4 and I have had some disagreements about my being negative in the past but I think she gets me now! Huzzah! The next one, made my day!”)

Person 11:  Always able to find the bright side of even the worst situations, pet caretaker extraordinaire, voluptuous siren, The Empress Dammit.

My Mom:  Intellectually curious and open-minded, brave, adaptable, friendly.

(Thanks Mom! I’m surprised she didn’t say something about my always being willing to try things and go places she’d be afraid to. This is one of the nice things my mom says. She thinks I am brave!)



(And Here is where it just disintegrates to silly. I give up!)

PERSON 5
: Likes sick, twisted books about mermaids and zombies.

Lorelei Moon: ‎PERSON 5, Yes,  I m a sick twisted mermaid who is a zombie before she gets her coffee!

PERSON 5: THERE IT IS! I knew I could coax it out of you!

 (That last bit, just may need to go on my bio after all!)

The Sound Clip below sums it all up nicely! Thanks Gilda Radner! Now Press the Play arrow below!
Always learning and always with gratitude!
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4 Things Worth Considering, A Visit From Mr Nancy, The Return of Mirth (and some things to make you smile or smirk)

7/31/2012

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*As usual, there are lots of little "Easter Egg" links throughout this multi-faceted post. They'll lead you  to images. info, videos, etc. Click as you go or do it the second time around. I hope you enjoy! 


Today (Monday, July 30th) has been an interesting day full of things to reflect on: 

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Lessons I still need to work on. 

 I've had a habit of forgetting about my boundaries at times because:  A) I desperately need money and  B) I want to make people happy.


 I thought I was getting better at it, however, today both my time management skills and my boundaries slipped as I tried to squeeze in a meeting with someone who had potential work for me when I knew the timing was unlikely to work and sure enough it didn't. 


After a long hard weekend culminating in exhaustion and insomnia, I overslept, which left too small a window to cram the meeting in before an appointment and a kitty care stop I had scheduled for later. The result; both of us were inconvenienced and the potential work has been put off, though granted, to a more sensible time.


 Lorelei, just say, “no,”  If it won’t work. It’s OK!


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Happy place moments. 

When I walk through my neighborhood I see and experience things you won’t find everywhere else, like being paid a compliment by, Mr Nancy *(Anansi, see note below), like a band playing on top of an, “Occupy” bus, like a yard bursting with flowers, gnomes and gargoyles, lofts that couldn’t possibly be lofts next to a carriage house that could be, or a bit of garbage on a tree stump that looks more like an offering carefully placed than random items thoughtlessly discarded!
 * Slide show of snapshots from my walk to follow.

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Affirmation that my friends are awesome and even people that don’t know me think I’m worth investing some energy in. 

Molly Blue Dawn swooped me up so I could take care of a kitty today and also drove me to pick up some gorgeous silk hanging lantern-style lamps  (Sort of like these) that a woman I’ve been corresponding with because of  Freecycle was giving me. 

I’m thrilled that anyone bothers to read this blog and ecstatic if they bring something positive away from it. This woman wrote, “I read your blog (well, part of it). It is very moving and inspiring and I wish you the best. Your generosity in the face of such difficulties is amazing! “ Wow! That was kind of awesome to read in the middle of trying times!

She has passed quite a few things my way as she’s been purging at home and while doing so has been incredibly thoughtful. This evening I finally met her, her husband and played peek-a-boo with her adorable toddler! 

She likes the idea of what I call my “ritual soaps” (Using the power of intention along with luxurious scented soaps to make bathing a mindful experience, washing the dirt away and manifesting your desires at the same time!) and has some awesome ideas I can incorporate.

 It’s nice when people who don’t even know you are rooting for you! And kinda awesome when you get to meet interesting people in ways you don’t expect. 

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My therapist wants me to get in touch with my anger. 

Hmm. Does he really want to unleash my “big green guy?” 

I have a LOT to be angry about and justifiably so. When I expressed to him my ambivalence about directly blaming a couple of people for a big portion of the situation I’ve been struggling with, trying to let them off the hook because they originally meant well and because I always try to look at my part in things, he pointed out that Lady Justice wears a blindfold so that she can judge fairly. He suggested that my holding them accountable was indeed the fair assessment and that maybe it’s time I stopped buying into other people trying to shift the blame on me when they are the ones who have behaved badly. Interesting. 

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Shoving those obstacles aside!

So, I decided to take advantage of a more well placed rage and go attack the stuff I have stored in the basement. But first I had to attack the stuff surrounding it.

We have a huge basement and my landlady has issues with it getting too full of people’s stuff. Sometimes when one of us goes down to reset the router she can be heard raising her voice in a panic, “You’re not putting anything else in the basement are you?  

From the beginning, I had been assured of a certain amount of space and was even encouraged to set up a work area down there. I’ve been very careful not to spread my stuff out any further, even if I add to it. But lately every time I go down there mystery stuff is either on top of mine or piled in the way so I can’t get to my things. I move it away and the pile of oddities keeps returning, each time oozing over more area and becoming more difficult to navigate!

Tonight, I headed down into the dank dim underbelly of the house cursing in anticipation, took the stuff off of my things, moved it over so I can get to my boxes and even sit at my desk. I reorganized my area. By the time I was done, I was dirty, and sneezing and too tired to do anything else, but I didn’t care. If my stuff gets buried again, heads will roll! 

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And now to Expand on the aforementioned Mr Nancy (Anansi) reference:

Walking through the hood, I meet some real characters and I get some interesting reactions when I make eye contact, smile and say, "Hello!" 

(I know, I know, I would drive people in New York crazy!)

So I shared this with Molly Blue Dawn and as usual, she knew just what had happened:

Today, as I'm walking to BART  I see an older, very dapper African American gentleman, in a pumpkin orange suit and derby type hat, with a purple shirt and tie. It wasn't garish, it looked sharp, at least on him. Everything was perfect, not a stich out of place! He was carrying a curious object made of polished wood which looked like it could have been a musical instrument or a religious item, but I couldn't get a good look at it!

I wanted to ask if I could take his picture, but I had a feeling that if I stopped to talk to him I'd have a hard time getting away! I have to say that I also wondered if I would look later and find the picture hadn’t turned out or had disappeared. It was one of those weird moments that doesn’t feel quite real.

I smiled and said, "Hello, how are you?" while continuing to walk. 

He smiled real big as he passed and then stopped and said, "Well, hello beautiful. Now I mean that, you are really beautiful, you just keep on doin' what youre doin'' 

When I said, Thanks, but didn't stop, he stood there a minute and then just sauntered on.

Molly said, "You know who that was, don't you? Mr Nancy!" I think she could be right! 

The Return of Mirth!!!

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I have been going through a real downer dip of the cosmic yo yo this summer. That snap upward that follows hitting the end of the string this time really hurt. There are days that it seems a more constant peace of mind and a chance at real stability are in site and yet it also feels like a mirage, a place I can never quite reach.

My tenacity always kicks in in the face of despair. I find my happy places where I can; my cat, my lovely friends, the constant click of my camera, flirting relentlessly, finding ways to be creative, being of service to others, letting my voice sing loud and true, the good company of Hobbit-like friends and lovers and laughter by any means! If I can instigate that laughter all the better!

Yes, things are improving, but l am still really stressed . My body is mad at me for pushing it in ways that I shouldn't because I still have transportation issues. It's difficult to turn down work or be passed up for jobs because I don't have a car.  I'm still short on my rent & phone payments every month. If people weren't making donations, I wouldn't have household necessities or toiletries at all. I've pushed through some really awful personal events as well as dealing with the horrible injury and subsequent death of one of our household cats!

Despite this last bout of suck, I'm happy to be bringing levity back into my life. For a couple of weeks there I couldn't laugh at anything. Life without "silly" is like being stuck in a bucket of sludgy grey wallpaper paste that's about to be used to put up beige paper with flocked mushrooms on it; just imagine the worst patterns of the 70's, but with less color. Yeah, that about sums it up! 

Give me my wild vibrant colors of mirth and silliness back and I can make something beautiful out of that! 



Here are some scenes from my walk through my West Oakland neighborhood 07/30/2012
* Below is a plethora of all kinds of little jokes, cuteness, and silly  images that my friends have posted or I've come across; things that have made me smile, smirk or giggle. You can stop the player anytime or click through manually. If you're having a bad day, come back and use it as fodder for cheering up. *Warning there are some political jokes and some blue humor so if you are easily offended....Wait! Does ayone easily offended actually read MY blog? Enjoy! 
2 Comments

And Now For Something Really Different!

6/20/2012

1 Comment

 
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The always elegant, James Tuttle who would probably even look classy in Daisy Dukes!
On a lighter note for a change,  I have to enthusiastically put in a plug for Jame's Tuttle's recent fashion blog on men’s shorts,  The Short's List 2012!  Yes, I want you to read someone else’s blog! (In fact, several other people's blogs, if you are inspired  to check out the links following this little ramble.) 


Hey, wait a minute! After you read mine, of course!

What is there to be said about men’s shorts, you ask? Well, evidently  in Tuttle’s usual brilliant and witty style, plenty!  Did you know that blazers with shorts are a fashion trend right now, though no one seems to be wearing this look (thank Goddess) including the designer promoting it? Do you know that hipsters
 “coordinate” their flannel shirts with their denim shorts? Did you know that only gay men should be allowed to wear short shorts? I was inclined to agree  until I thought about some of the gay men I’ll see if I go to SF Pride this weekend who should NOT be wearing short shorts and some who really should NOT be walking around naked either, but that’s Pride for you; anything goes! Some of it is fabulous and some of it you just have to back slowly away from and work on your denial skills!

But, don’t just read this blog passively. Sure, you’ll get a few giggles, but you might learn something if  you click his link promising "a more in depth look into the world of jean shorts”  
(warning it doesn’t open in a separate window so if you take this excursion remember to click back on your browser and finish reading Tuttle), look at the slide show with the commentary on each style to  see if you agree  (Sorry, those bandana print and horizontal striped shorts have to goooo but yes, those shoes are cool!) then, read on for a review of the new Dallas.

I’m debating whether or not to send a link to my housemate, “Futuro Padre Episcopal,” who says he doesn’t read blogs. He basically LIVES in Bermuda shorts all year round. Clearly, he cares about comfort more than fashion! This picture is not my housemate, but you get the idea! Something has clearly gone wrong here.

I don’t read James' blogs religiously, but I do read them all! He’s prolific so sometimes I wait until a few compile and go on a reading binge where I do actually LOL quite a bit!

James is one of a few former schoolmates who managed to “escape” my home town (whose point of distinction according to Wikipedia is its prison, "
the first prison actively solicited by a community in the state of California. "  and actually make something brilliant of themselves! (The Jury’s still out on me!)  I’m sure  he looks fabulous in short shorts. From photos one can see he’s one of those beautiful people who look good in just about everything or nothing! (I can only presume) Add talented, smart, funny and good hearted to the equation and ladies everywhere will want to run straight for the Kleenex box because he’s both gay and taken!

Huzzah, James! I’ve been reading his blogs for just over a year now and they've given me a laugh and distraction  in times that were so dark it seemed impossible to find either.  His writing consistently transcends the running themes of fashion, gay men and reality TV. He is always topical and funny! By the way, did I mention his blog  is funny? 

I really, really hope he writes a book someday! Fiction, non-fiction; any subject will do! I know it will be worth reading!


And while I'm plugging other people's blogs:


  • I was delighted to see that my dear friend, The Wishbringer, Molly Blue Dawn; a walking inspiration, has gone beyond her usual weekly listing of other people's events and has started sharing her own thoughts and inspirations! Here is a wonderful essay on  giving yourself, " Permission to be New! "
  • I'd also encourage you to take a stroll through some of Yeshe Rabbit's recent writings at her Way of the Rabbit Blog, Recent topics include exciting news about where you can find more of her writing, a wonderful piece about Loreon Vigne, the founder of Isis Oasis, who just turned 95! and thoughts on Oshun and the Transit of Venus.
  • My favorite go to blog for laughing out loud, very loudly; The Bloggess! I recommend going back through the archives. (Take a week) Click on every link in every blog and you'll be on a tangent of delightful hysteria, (You'll also know why so many of us want Nathan Fillion to pose with a ball of twine, how funny a taxidermied  squirrel can be, and why I want my own metal chicken named Beyonce! Start with this recent blog about tweeting quotes from unknowns!
  • And if you wish to read something a little more serious, try A Noir Perspective. Jeremy's  been writing from some very personal places lately.  His thought's on who is really family to you resonates with me and his memories of the LA Riots bring that time right back to me!

Other Relevant Links:

  • In case you missed the link in the text above, here's The Short's List!
  • James' Blog Archive 
  • That link from James with a history of denim shorts 
  • And combining a very silly loo at both short shorts and denim shorts, here's an ad for Wrangler Tiny Jeans shorts!


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Just for fun, here's a picture of ME in shorts as a lettergirl for The Buccaneers, in high school!

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SUCCESS

6/2/2012

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Recently, I've wanted to write and I've had lots of ideas, but despite my best intentions,  I  haven't posted to this blog in a long time. Oh, so very much has been happening and I've been in overload mode.  

When I am exhausted or stressed it is more difficult for me to write articulately! I've simply been living day to day. Now that my old life is essentially gone, I'm trying to build a  new life; one with meaning! It can't all be for nothing!

Lately, I've had a tossed salad of good and not so good. I am still struggling, however,  generally quite happy in the face of each and every challenge.

I am blessed to know some really amazing people in my group of dear friends. Recent conversations have made me realize that many of us have the same goals  and concerns in common. No matter what medium we use to put our energies out into the world,  we all want to build positive things. Our sense of value comes from our ability to help others. Being of service is what gives our life joy and meaning. 

Even in my most desperate moments, when I was hungry, frightened and homeless, I worried about what contribution I was making to the world around me. Despite having very little money and challenges with transportation, I volunteered, I offered, I gave and did what I could. Often when I was unable to do anything I felt was productive or helpful it added to my depression and I would question my reason for being here.  


As things have slowly become more stable it has been exciting for me to be able to take part more, to do more, create more. I often find myself in the position to lend encouragement to others who doubt their value or don't see the contribution they do make each and every day. It's interesting and sad that so many people who are lovely, talented, generous and genuine just don;t see the huge impact that they make on everyone they touch!

I have a lovely little friend, we call, The Hobbit, who is an amazing musician. She has a voice that would make angels weep with jealousy. She is also incredibly kind, giving and fun! We relate through our personal histories,  struggles, our odd sense of humor and certainly through music. She has had a tough time of it of late; unemployment,  difficulty covering even the most basic costs of bills and food, a Kickstarter campaign that didn't bring in quite enough to finish her project, people flaking on crucial promises,  and a relationship she thought had a future falling apart in a very painful way.  (By the way, a note about Kickstarter, not only do you have to pay taxes on the money which cuts into your project budget, but even though it is money earmarked for s specific purpose, not living expenses, it can affect you unemployment and food stamps benefits because it counts as income.)

People have come through for her with help where they can, by helping with groceries, car insurance and a temporary place to live rent free. They do this because they love her; she is immensely lovable! They do this because she is a shiny soul, not one with a shallow surface sparkle, but the deep shiny glow of a rare treasure that is precious inside and out. They do this because they believe in her, they see her tremendous gifts and capabilities. They do it because they want her to be safe, and healthy. She already has so much to offer, and they know she will accomplish so much once she gets back on her feet. Everyone needs a leg up now and then. 

Still, she has moments of guilt and great doubt. Even when people around us SEE us we sometimes can't see ourselves. 

For us, both of us, it boils down to, "How does my life have meaning? What am I contributing? What am I doing? Am I helping? Am I taking the pain I've experienced and building  something positive with it?"

Even though she is struggling and can't always see it, her life has profound meaning. Though she is not famous or wealthy, she is respected and successful as a person and an artist.

I have realized that I have somewhat of a personal mission when it comes to taking my pain and turning it into a positive. I've found that since I became more open about the traumas and abuses I've experienced that it has indeed been helpful to people. Sometimes people are inspired merely by the fact that I have actually survived all of it. Others see that if I can do it, they can be happy as well. Sometimes people take comfort in a story that resonates with theirs being spoken out loud. Now that I have discovered what real, healthy self esteem is all about,  I've been better able to encourage others to believe in their own value.

Most days my life has meaning. Most days I feel valuable. Small and insignificant as I am in the grand scheme of things, I am contributing to making the world a better place. 

My life would be a lot easier and less worrisome with more money, but money alone is not the answer. It just helps. It is not a measure of success.

It's not a common occurrence for me to find inspirations in things that the uber religious say, but even though his proselytizing sometimes makes me cringe, Tim Tebow, a Christian NFL star earns my respect by walking the walk. This quote from him really resonates with me, 

" Success comes in a lot of ways, but it doesn't come with money and it doesn't come with fame. It comes from having a meaning in your life, doing what you love and being passionate about what you do. That's having a life of success. When you have the ability to do what you love, love what you do and have the ability to impact people. That's having a life of success. That's what having a life of meaning is." 

Here's to success, may we all have more of it!


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Spread some JOY! Finding the True Spirit of the Winter Holidays.

12/24/2011

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 I heard something on the radio yesterday that made me really angry, then really, really sad.

Turns out retail giant, Best Buy won't be able to deliver a lot of their orders on time this year and people are furious. Reports are, no surprise, that customers are saying, "Christmas is ruined!"  

This is nothing new. Every year we hear stories about people squabbling over and even killing over gifts. And every year the chastisement of, "This is not what Christmas is all about" comes up and falls on deaf ears.  I see  increasing arrogance and aggression at which one person holiday is shoved another person's throat. Those who scream, "It's "Christmas," not "Happy Holidays," don't strike me as very Christ emulating and they certainly don't seem to have much love for their fellow man. Every year it seems that the lack of gratitude and absence of empathy increases. It's a season about, "ME,ME, ME, ME, ME! Oh and did I mention, ME? " 

It shouldn't matter that it's, "Christmas." Whatever winter holiday may be meaningful to you, Solstice, Yule, Kwanza, Hanukkah, Festivus, or Saturnalia they all are events meant to bring us humans together  and sustain us through the remaining dark of winter!  Even though gifts are traditionally given during this season, the intent is  togetherness, temporarily putting differences aside , warmth, sharing, family, and community. 

After weeks of seeing the ugliness that is "Christmas, et al" as well as being inspired by my friend Jeremy's blog and other things friends have said or written, I felt the need to comment. I have to admit, I had to stop several times while writing this because I started to sob both due to sadness AND gratitude. 

Well, I don't celebrate Christmas, however, I do try to keep the spirit of "Christmas" all year 'round. That's really what it should be about, right? So many people that I know have been stressed out this year because they might not be able to have the "right" holiday meal or money for presents or time to do all their shopping. It's unnecessary stress. I shouldn't even have to mention how many people in this country and throughout the world have so much less than you do. Look around. Who do you know that's having a rough time right now? Chances are people you care about are hungry, lonely and struggling. Adding the hubbub and commercialism of the holiday season is like rubbing salt in a wound.

Then there's the agony about the kids. "Christmas is so important for the kids!" Last night I heard a story about a big fire in San Francisco. The firefighters went in afterwards to try to salvage a family's presents but they were ruined by water and soot. The Firemen saved the day with their "Toys for Tots" bin! Part of my heart was warmed by this. Then I got to thinking. Really, this whole "presents" thing has gotten so out of hand. We as adults are the ones who have bought into this commercialized feeding frenzy and enabled our kids to become addicted to it. 

As a child, I was regularly disappointed because my parents would let me go through the Christmas catalog and ask Santa for things which I almost never, ever got even if they weren't that expensive. (I'm still waiting for my stuffed Lassie dog. In fact, I seem to have a history of receiving gifts from family and loved ones  that are clearly things that they, not I, would like or that they think will impress me and don't suit me at all, but the concept of an actual "thoughtful" gift is a tangent for another day!" ) Regardless of disappointment, I always got some things I liked and I certainly got things I needed. And, I quickly learned a lot of my joy came from watching others unwrap their gifts and from the little family traditions that made me feel connected.

Even when kids whine about toys, what they really want is to feel secure, know they are loved and have their basic needs met. Sure they might have a fit at first if they get a little less, but if you've raised them right, they'll rally. Will that Angry Birds toy really make your child feel loved? 

When I reflect back, it's clear that the things that really made the holiday season special were very simple things. Helping in the kitchen; actually preparing a meal together and  then eating together. Picking out the Christmas tree as a family and decorating was better than any of the presents under it. One of my favorite moments was the year, I convinced a beau  to set aside the artificial tree and get a real one. He really got into it as we checked out various tree lots looking for the "perfect" tree in our price range. It was so rewarding seeing him get to be a bit of a child again by introducing him to this holiday tradition. On Christmas eve my family would spread a sheet out on the living room carpet and have a "picnic." We would have all kinds of yummy snack foods and watch Christmas specials on TV. I loved that better than the big Christmas dinner because we were all together and not fighting! 

I wish more people would use the holiday as a chance to teach their kids and themselves about  helping people who have less than themselves. Take them with you to pick out warm coats and blankets to donate. Check out volunteer opportunities. Usually when you volunteer to serve a Holiday Meal at a soup kitchen, you get to eat too. Think about what  you and your child could learn about empathy, gratitude and compassion by sitting down to eat with a homeless family.

I can't tell you how to live your holiday season. I can't make you pull your head out of the "Me Space" and  live your life with compassion and kindness all year round. I can plead with you however, to stop for a moment and think about the following:
  • Though I am ranting here about thinking of others, I want you to think of yourself. It's not selfish to take care of yourself. While you are stressing about what you should be doing / getting for others  stop, and be kind to yourself You can't do anything for anyone if you make yourself sick over it. Remember, you and your inner child deserve a happy holiday too. And, don't think it's not okay to ask for something if you need it!

  • Be grateful. If you have a roof over your head,  a job, warmth, transportation, food in your belly, and loved ones in your life YOU ARE BLESSED! If you have more, you are doubly blessed! Spread that gratitude. Volunteer. Find out how to help those in need. If you see someone who looks like they need help, ask what you can do. Pay it forward! Smile and look a stranger in the eyes. Give a compliment. If you know someone who is alone over the holidays or hurting, Reach out!

  • Give what you can. Say something. Listen. Make something. Offer something.  Last year I managed to scrape up $30 and I made 2 kinds of glycerin soap. I made ritual soaps  meant for "mindful cleansing" made with colors and scents designed to evoke the intentions of bringing in creativity & prosperity  (Or to be enjoyed as yummy smelling soap that just gets you clean) . I gave these out at a New Years Celebration where I knew a lot of people who I cared about would be. I don't know if everyone used it, but it felt so good to be able to give something I had made and filled with loving intentions back to people who had made me feel loved and valued,; people I admire. This year I don't have any money but I am offering to cook a meal for anyone who needs it, I am offering my company or any assistance I can give, I am doing my best to make sure people know I love and care about them. I am offering my thanks via this blog. Some of you will be receiving personal messages from me and maybe some from Pandora, if she's willing. Myself, it's all I have to offer and I would hope you think that's a pretty good gift.

This time of year is always very difficult for me, but the last couple of years have given me some helpful perspective. The more miserable things get, the greater I find the depth of my gratitude. I am in a situation you would think few would envy, however, many in this world would because they have even less and every day is a struggle for life!

I've been dealing with homelessness for nearly a year now.  I suffer with P.T.S.D.  and a potentially fatal neurological illness that afflicts my motor skills and causes severe pain, I have relentless insomnia that makes it difficult to function, I have had to depend on unstable people, I've had to borrow a lot of money that I thought I would have been able to pay back by now, I am hungry a lot of the time, I have very little income,  my once thriving pet care business is stuck in the doldrums, I struggle to keep any kind of communication going, I had to give up several of my pets & grieve the loss of others that died shortly before I lost my home, I've lost most of my possessions, and am about to lose the rest, I got mugged at gunpoint last week, I am on the verge of losing my repeatedly vandalized car and I am often very lonely. I think about death a lot. It's true.

There are moments during this holiday season where I've broken down and cried over helplessness and sometimes because of attachment to yes, material possessions. Even walking into Target to buy toilet paper and seeing all the crappy decorations makes me think of all the holiday stuff I have locked in storage that is about to be auctioned off to strangers. Irreplaceable photos, things I've made with my own hands,  ornaments from my Grandparents and my Great Grandmother's house! If I could have just one or two of these things they would light up my room.This Christmas, I will be caring for former neighbor's pets for a few days. I will have to walk their dogs past my old house. Part of me will want to curl up under the big pine tree out front and mourn.  

It's not like these things are lost to me due to fire or flood. It's poverty, pure and simple, circumstances beyond my control.  One of the worst things for me is that these circumstances seriously undermine my ability to do things for other people for that is what makes me feel useful and truly gives me great joy! 

Wow! You may say, how can you possibly have room for any gratitude with all that difficulty in your life? Well, there is the obvious. Even in my dubious situation, I am better off than a large percentage of the world's population and every day all I have to do is walk outside to see people in my own community who are literally living on the street to know how lucky I am. Despite not having a permanent home, I have a roof over my head and for this I am so very grateful. I have been able so far, to keep my beloved cat Li Li with me & she is healthy. That alone has probably saved my life. 

Despite my circumstances I have still found ways to be involved in my community and to be helpful to others. Because of the recent loan of a car I was able to actually offer someone else a ride home from a ritual for a change and that small act put me over the moon with joy and gratitude! I have even been able to manage to make some art and do some singing in the midst of all this chaos! I have many friends who make me laugh when I desperately need it, even if it's just through silly Facebook posts. Even though I often get those insecure pangs of feeling like an outsider I really am part of an amazing creative magical community  & I am loved and appreciated by them. I know some amazing people and I am really really lucky to have them in my life. Ultimately, I'm not dead yet and I still have my sense of humor.

This holiday, I received one of the most generous gifts I have ever received. The gift of safety, warmth, privacy, peace, security and freedom for nearly 2 weeks!  One of my friends is away for the holidays and generously gifted me & LiLi an apartment in the city and the use of a car! The car meant I could take a few jobs that I would have otherwise been forced to turn down. It's warm, sunshine streams through the windows and I have a place to cook. I am thrilled  to see my cat so happy!Life may be difficult, but even when my status is defined  moment by moment, life is good!

I would like to thank some specific people who have been such a big help to me this past year. Actually, a lot of people! Some of us may not have the best relationship right now but that does not change my deep gratitude. Some of you barely know me but make me feel like we've been friends for years! Some of you have thought you were giving me the smallest kindness, maybe you don't even realize you said or did anything that helped, but in reality it was huge to me. Some of you have just kept me sane. Some of you have just listened when I needed it or offered me wise advice when I asked. Many of you have helped me with money, transportation or food when you didn't have that much yourselves! Some of you have helped keep me sane. I love all of you so much and hope I can give to you even a little of what you've given to me even if it's by paying it forward instead of directly to you. Thank You so much!


I'm probably missing some names but this tremendous list is of people who have been gifts to me this year! 

My family, Amelia Hogan , Amir Rabiyah, Anata Fiddle-Hooper, Andrew Kaluzynski,Anita Rogerson,Antero & Sylvi Alli, Barry Perlman, Belinda Fullmer, Bob & Lisa Spickard, Brenda Starr,Brian Feraru, Brian Kenney Fresno & the beautiful Felix,Bruce Romanoff, Bunny Holmes,Carolyn Anhalt,Carroll Flowers,Catherynne Valente,Cherie Barstow & Michael Cull,Cheryl Attoe-Bennett,Cheryl Brink, Christia Katz-Mulvy, Chrisje, Cross Sidhe & Maia Mermaidian, Dan Shull, Dan Wilson,Dana Morrigan,Dara Dehnicke, Dave "Haaz-Baroque," David Campbell,David Gessel, Derik Cowan & Hayden Reynolds, Di Di Gordon, Diana Paxon, Dori Daniels and Andrew Lowe, Dragonfly & Kirk,Drezdeny,Elizabth Branson,Elizabeth Dougherty,Faye Mays Casperson, Firefly, Grey Wolf & Marcus,Heather & Barry King and their adorable boys!,Heather Verver, Hummingbird, Ignacio Zulueta, Iris & Jack of Bears,Ivy,Jade and all the staff at the former Mama Buzz,James Nelson,James Tuttle,Jennifer Norton,Jeremy Triggs,Jess & Peter Sadaichney,Jey Johnston, Joe Bell,Johanna & John White, Jolie Pearl, Jonathan Carroll, Kathryn Seabron,Katie Novotny & Michael Klinge,Katie Young,Kenne Mackillop,Kenneth Winter, Kerry Mason,Kian & Thora, Kim & Melanie, Kismet Conrad    Kris Chappell, Kyros Starr & David Williams, Lois Brady,Lauren Banister,Libby Mclaren & Robin Flower, Loren Davidson, Loreon Vigne, Mable Estella, Maddie P.,Marcia Diaz, Manea Trinicrea & James Goodin, Marcus Lorenzo Penn, Mary Leeking, Matt Hairfield,Matthew Newman,Megan Killian, Meghan Corman, Molly McEnerney,Morpheus Ravenna,Morrighan Bigelow, Paul Giomi,Persephone, Charles, Dark Moon and all the Solace gang!,The Fabulous  Ms. P-Raw!, Pixie,Rabbit Matthews & Albert Robles,Raven Leary,Rebecca Wilson,Richard Becker (and your generous friends who gave me a great 4th of July!), Robin Dolan, Robin Maskiell, Sarah Astarte, Sarah Nash,Shawn Lesniak, Sooz Baraclough,  Sparrow, Susan Peevy,  Stacey Tindle & Stacey Tindle,Shannon Burla, Shannon Way, Shelia Chandra,Sofia Acosta,Temperance De'lonkcra, Teresa Walker,Tex Allen,Tammy Patterson & Rick Shibata,Tiffany & Nicholas (and Scout)Black- Darquea,Tigris Dancing Joy, Todd Hodes,Vicki Soloman,Waziana, Wil Viharo,The Wildes (Rowan, Zo, Constance and Duncan!),Yansumi, & Zane Stein!

And of course, I must express my gratitude to God & Goddess, my ancestors, spirits, guides, elementals and benevolent forces that have helped me through this so far!

Bless you all! Happy Holidays!
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A blessing by any other name would be, well, a blessing!

10/28/2011

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It dawned on me today that I never asked myself, the universe or anyone else the questions, “Why does life have to always be so hard? Why do I have to bear the brunt of so much anger? Why is there so much pain and sorrow?” 

With the exception of a distant voice of protest that would pop into my head during the worst moments, mostly I took for granted that this was the way it was supposed to be. This was my lot in life and I would always suffer. There had to be something fundamentally wrong with me, something very bad that deserved all the abuse and hardship. It’s astounding that I never really had any idea what happiness or contentment felt like before the age of 40. I suppose that in itself is sad.

But I am also grateful because I have learned that the hand I was dealt had nothing to do with me. The shame for other’s actions is not mine to bear. I don’t have to feel responsible for the garbage they have hurled at me or in some cases continue to leave around for me to trip over. Even when a life-lesson takes the better part of a life-time it’s well worth it when you have life left over after graduation!

I can also say now that I did not live my life in it’s entirety without joy or pleasure or love. And because I am open to receive these things and know that I indeed deserve them, life is richer. It doesn’t really make the residual shite any easier to bear, but those moments of light and delight eclipse the shadows long enough that I can gather strength to keep making my way. This is the satisfaction of rummaging around in Pandora’s box. There may be a lot of scary stuff in there, but if you keep at it long enough, you find hope! And that’s a treasure worth carrying with you.


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Sleeping through the shiny......

8/21/2011

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So, evidently I slept through the third annual Oshun Festival in Oakland.

Doh!


My lovely shiny housemate, Venus Rose, went to the Oshun festival in Oakland. She tried to text me, but Mercury retrograde decided I should not be able to receive any texts over the weekend.

It sounded wonderful! I will just make sure I don't miss the fifth annual Oshun Festival because, obviously, that one will be super shiny 'splody Oshuny!


At the festival, they handed out marvelous little packets. What a great idea to make your own 
and put it on your Oshun altar or carry it in your purse!

This is what the kit contained and what it said about each item:

  • Rubber Band-To remind you to be flexible, but not to the point of snapping.
  • Pencil- To remind you to list your blessing everyday.
  • Eraser- To remind you that everyone makes mistakes and it's OK.
  • Hard Candy - To remind you to savor every moment in your life.
  • River Rock- To remind you that making things happen smoothly takes time and patience.
  • Candle- To remind you of the light you bring into this world.
  • Honey-  To remind you of the sweet succulence of life
  • Gum- cuz...uhh..sometimes you just need it.

I love it! 

The event was sponsered by:Emese: Messengers of the African Diaspora, Daughters ofthe fresh waters and sacred grove:
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Today was a good Aphrodite Day. Brought to you by pink and lavender.

8/15/2011

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Aphrodite must have given me a big kiss today! A stranger stopped in mid conversation while I was paying for my coffee today and said, "Excuse me, I just have to tell you how beautiful you are." . When I said. "Thank You." He said, "I'm not trying to hit on you or anything, It just made my day to see such a pretty lady." He was quite dashing, looked a bit like Morgan Freeman. Well, he made my day that's for sure!
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