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4 Things Worth Considering, A Visit From Mr Nancy, The Return of Mirth (and some things to make you smile or smirk)

7/31/2012

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*As usual, there are lots of little "Easter Egg" links throughout this multi-faceted post. They'll lead you  to images. info, videos, etc. Click as you go or do it the second time around. I hope you enjoy! 


Today (Monday, July 30th) has been an interesting day full of things to reflect on: 

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Lessons I still need to work on. 

 I've had a habit of forgetting about my boundaries at times because:  A) I desperately need money and  B) I want to make people happy.


 I thought I was getting better at it, however, today both my time management skills and my boundaries slipped as I tried to squeeze in a meeting with someone who had potential work for me when I knew the timing was unlikely to work and sure enough it didn't. 


After a long hard weekend culminating in exhaustion and insomnia, I overslept, which left too small a window to cram the meeting in before an appointment and a kitty care stop I had scheduled for later. The result; both of us were inconvenienced and the potential work has been put off, though granted, to a more sensible time.


 Lorelei, just say, “no,”  If it won’t work. It’s OK!


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Happy place moments. 

When I walk through my neighborhood I see and experience things you won’t find everywhere else, like being paid a compliment by, Mr Nancy *(Anansi, see note below), like a band playing on top of an, “Occupy” bus, like a yard bursting with flowers, gnomes and gargoyles, lofts that couldn’t possibly be lofts next to a carriage house that could be, or a bit of garbage on a tree stump that looks more like an offering carefully placed than random items thoughtlessly discarded!
 * Slide show of snapshots from my walk to follow.

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Affirmation that my friends are awesome and even people that don’t know me think I’m worth investing some energy in. 

Molly Blue Dawn swooped me up so I could take care of a kitty today and also drove me to pick up some gorgeous silk hanging lantern-style lamps  (Sort of like these) that a woman I’ve been corresponding with because of  Freecycle was giving me. 

I’m thrilled that anyone bothers to read this blog and ecstatic if they bring something positive away from it. This woman wrote, “I read your blog (well, part of it). It is very moving and inspiring and I wish you the best. Your generosity in the face of such difficulties is amazing! “ Wow! That was kind of awesome to read in the middle of trying times!

She has passed quite a few things my way as she’s been purging at home and while doing so has been incredibly thoughtful. This evening I finally met her, her husband and played peek-a-boo with her adorable toddler! 

She likes the idea of what I call my “ritual soaps” (Using the power of intention along with luxurious scented soaps to make bathing a mindful experience, washing the dirt away and manifesting your desires at the same time!) and has some awesome ideas I can incorporate.

 It’s nice when people who don’t even know you are rooting for you! And kinda awesome when you get to meet interesting people in ways you don’t expect. 

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My therapist wants me to get in touch with my anger. 

Hmm. Does he really want to unleash my “big green guy?” 

I have a LOT to be angry about and justifiably so. When I expressed to him my ambivalence about directly blaming a couple of people for a big portion of the situation I’ve been struggling with, trying to let them off the hook because they originally meant well and because I always try to look at my part in things, he pointed out that Lady Justice wears a blindfold so that she can judge fairly. He suggested that my holding them accountable was indeed the fair assessment and that maybe it’s time I stopped buying into other people trying to shift the blame on me when they are the ones who have behaved badly. Interesting. 

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Shoving those obstacles aside!

So, I decided to take advantage of a more well placed rage and go attack the stuff I have stored in the basement. But first I had to attack the stuff surrounding it.

We have a huge basement and my landlady has issues with it getting too full of people’s stuff. Sometimes when one of us goes down to reset the router she can be heard raising her voice in a panic, “You’re not putting anything else in the basement are you?  

From the beginning, I had been assured of a certain amount of space and was even encouraged to set up a work area down there. I’ve been very careful not to spread my stuff out any further, even if I add to it. But lately every time I go down there mystery stuff is either on top of mine or piled in the way so I can’t get to my things. I move it away and the pile of oddities keeps returning, each time oozing over more area and becoming more difficult to navigate!

Tonight, I headed down into the dank dim underbelly of the house cursing in anticipation, took the stuff off of my things, moved it over so I can get to my boxes and even sit at my desk. I reorganized my area. By the time I was done, I was dirty, and sneezing and too tired to do anything else, but I didn’t care. If my stuff gets buried again, heads will roll! 

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And now to Expand on the aforementioned Mr Nancy (Anansi) reference:

Walking through the hood, I meet some real characters and I get some interesting reactions when I make eye contact, smile and say, "Hello!" 

(I know, I know, I would drive people in New York crazy!)

So I shared this with Molly Blue Dawn and as usual, she knew just what had happened:

Today, as I'm walking to BART  I see an older, very dapper African American gentleman, in a pumpkin orange suit and derby type hat, with a purple shirt and tie. It wasn't garish, it looked sharp, at least on him. Everything was perfect, not a stich out of place! He was carrying a curious object made of polished wood which looked like it could have been a musical instrument or a religious item, but I couldn't get a good look at it!

I wanted to ask if I could take his picture, but I had a feeling that if I stopped to talk to him I'd have a hard time getting away! I have to say that I also wondered if I would look later and find the picture hadn’t turned out or had disappeared. It was one of those weird moments that doesn’t feel quite real.

I smiled and said, "Hello, how are you?" while continuing to walk. 

He smiled real big as he passed and then stopped and said, "Well, hello beautiful. Now I mean that, you are really beautiful, you just keep on doin' what youre doin'' 

When I said, Thanks, but didn't stop, he stood there a minute and then just sauntered on.

Molly said, "You know who that was, don't you? Mr Nancy!" I think she could be right! 

The Return of Mirth!!!

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I have been going through a real downer dip of the cosmic yo yo this summer. That snap upward that follows hitting the end of the string this time really hurt. There are days that it seems a more constant peace of mind and a chance at real stability are in site and yet it also feels like a mirage, a place I can never quite reach.

My tenacity always kicks in in the face of despair. I find my happy places where I can; my cat, my lovely friends, the constant click of my camera, flirting relentlessly, finding ways to be creative, being of service to others, letting my voice sing loud and true, the good company of Hobbit-like friends and lovers and laughter by any means! If I can instigate that laughter all the better!

Yes, things are improving, but l am still really stressed . My body is mad at me for pushing it in ways that I shouldn't because I still have transportation issues. It's difficult to turn down work or be passed up for jobs because I don't have a car.  I'm still short on my rent & phone payments every month. If people weren't making donations, I wouldn't have household necessities or toiletries at all. I've pushed through some really awful personal events as well as dealing with the horrible injury and subsequent death of one of our household cats!

Despite this last bout of suck, I'm happy to be bringing levity back into my life. For a couple of weeks there I couldn't laugh at anything. Life without "silly" is like being stuck in a bucket of sludgy grey wallpaper paste that's about to be used to put up beige paper with flocked mushrooms on it; just imagine the worst patterns of the 70's, but with less color. Yeah, that about sums it up! 

Give me my wild vibrant colors of mirth and silliness back and I can make something beautiful out of that! 



Here are some scenes from my walk through my West Oakland neighborhood 07/30/2012
* Below is a plethora of all kinds of little jokes, cuteness, and silly  images that my friends have posted or I've come across; things that have made me smile, smirk or giggle. You can stop the player anytime or click through manually. If you're having a bad day, come back and use it as fodder for cheering up. *Warning there are some political jokes and some blue humor so if you are easily offended....Wait! Does ayone easily offended actually read MY blog? Enjoy! 
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SUCCESS

6/2/2012

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Recently, I've wanted to write and I've had lots of ideas, but despite my best intentions,  I  haven't posted to this blog in a long time. Oh, so very much has been happening and I've been in overload mode.  

When I am exhausted or stressed it is more difficult for me to write articulately! I've simply been living day to day. Now that my old life is essentially gone, I'm trying to build a  new life; one with meaning! It can't all be for nothing!

Lately, I've had a tossed salad of good and not so good. I am still struggling, however,  generally quite happy in the face of each and every challenge.

I am blessed to know some really amazing people in my group of dear friends. Recent conversations have made me realize that many of us have the same goals  and concerns in common. No matter what medium we use to put our energies out into the world,  we all want to build positive things. Our sense of value comes from our ability to help others. Being of service is what gives our life joy and meaning. 

Even in my most desperate moments, when I was hungry, frightened and homeless, I worried about what contribution I was making to the world around me. Despite having very little money and challenges with transportation, I volunteered, I offered, I gave and did what I could. Often when I was unable to do anything I felt was productive or helpful it added to my depression and I would question my reason for being here.  


As things have slowly become more stable it has been exciting for me to be able to take part more, to do more, create more. I often find myself in the position to lend encouragement to others who doubt their value or don't see the contribution they do make each and every day. It's interesting and sad that so many people who are lovely, talented, generous and genuine just don;t see the huge impact that they make on everyone they touch!

I have a lovely little friend, we call, The Hobbit, who is an amazing musician. She has a voice that would make angels weep with jealousy. She is also incredibly kind, giving and fun! We relate through our personal histories,  struggles, our odd sense of humor and certainly through music. She has had a tough time of it of late; unemployment,  difficulty covering even the most basic costs of bills and food, a Kickstarter campaign that didn't bring in quite enough to finish her project, people flaking on crucial promises,  and a relationship she thought had a future falling apart in a very painful way.  (By the way, a note about Kickstarter, not only do you have to pay taxes on the money which cuts into your project budget, but even though it is money earmarked for s specific purpose, not living expenses, it can affect you unemployment and food stamps benefits because it counts as income.)

People have come through for her with help where they can, by helping with groceries, car insurance and a temporary place to live rent free. They do this because they love her; she is immensely lovable! They do this because she is a shiny soul, not one with a shallow surface sparkle, but the deep shiny glow of a rare treasure that is precious inside and out. They do this because they believe in her, they see her tremendous gifts and capabilities. They do it because they want her to be safe, and healthy. She already has so much to offer, and they know she will accomplish so much once she gets back on her feet. Everyone needs a leg up now and then. 

Still, she has moments of guilt and great doubt. Even when people around us SEE us we sometimes can't see ourselves. 

For us, both of us, it boils down to, "How does my life have meaning? What am I contributing? What am I doing? Am I helping? Am I taking the pain I've experienced and building  something positive with it?"

Even though she is struggling and can't always see it, her life has profound meaning. Though she is not famous or wealthy, she is respected and successful as a person and an artist.

I have realized that I have somewhat of a personal mission when it comes to taking my pain and turning it into a positive. I've found that since I became more open about the traumas and abuses I've experienced that it has indeed been helpful to people. Sometimes people are inspired merely by the fact that I have actually survived all of it. Others see that if I can do it, they can be happy as well. Sometimes people take comfort in a story that resonates with theirs being spoken out loud. Now that I have discovered what real, healthy self esteem is all about,  I've been better able to encourage others to believe in their own value.

Most days my life has meaning. Most days I feel valuable. Small and insignificant as I am in the grand scheme of things, I am contributing to making the world a better place. 

My life would be a lot easier and less worrisome with more money, but money alone is not the answer. It just helps. It is not a measure of success.

It's not a common occurrence for me to find inspirations in things that the uber religious say, but even though his proselytizing sometimes makes me cringe, Tim Tebow, a Christian NFL star earns my respect by walking the walk. This quote from him really resonates with me, 

" Success comes in a lot of ways, but it doesn't come with money and it doesn't come with fame. It comes from having a meaning in your life, doing what you love and being passionate about what you do. That's having a life of success. When you have the ability to do what you love, love what you do and have the ability to impact people. That's having a life of success. That's what having a life of meaning is." 

Here's to success, may we all have more of it!


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