Happy place moments. 

When I walk through my neighborhood I see and experience things you won’t find everywhere else, like being paid a compliment by, Mr Nancy *(Anansi, see note below), like a band playing on top of an, “Occupy” bus, like a yard bursting with flowers, gnomes and gargoyles, lofts that couldn’t possibly be lofts next to a carriage house that could be, or a bit of garbage on a tree stump that looks more like an offering carefully placed than random items thoughtlessly discarded!
 * Slide show of snapshots from my walk to follow.

Affirmation that my friends are awesome and even people that don’t know me think I’m worth investing some energy in. 

Molly Blue Dawn swooped me up so I could take care of a kitty today and also drove me to pick up some gorgeous silk hanging lantern-style lamps  (Sort of like these) that a woman I’ve been corresponding with because of  Freecycle was giving me. 

I’m thrilled that anyone bothers to read this blog and ecstatic if they bring something positive away from it. This woman wrote, “I read your blog (well, part of it). It is very moving and inspiring and I wish you the best. Your generosity in the face of such difficulties is amazing! “ Wow! That was kind of awesome to read in the middle of trying times!

She has passed quite a few things my way as she’s been purging at home and while doing so has been incredibly thoughtful. This evening I finally met her, her husband and played peek-a-boo with her adorable toddler! 

She likes the idea of what I call my “ritual soaps” (Using the power of intention along with luxurious scented soaps to make bathing a mindful experience, washing the dirt away and manifesting your desires at the same time!) and has some awesome ideas I can incorporate.

 It’s nice when people who don’t even know you are rooting for you! And kinda awesome when you get to meet interesting people in ways you don’t expect. 

My therapist wants me to get in touch with my anger. 

Hmm. Does he really want to unleash my “big green guy?” 

I have a LOT to be angry about and justifiably so. When I expressed to him my ambivalence about directly blaming a couple of people for a big portion of the situation I’ve been struggling with, trying to let them off the hook because they originally meant well and because I always try to look at my part in things, he pointed out that Lady Justice wears a blindfold so that she can judge fairly. He suggested that my holding them accountable was indeed the fair assessment and that maybe it’s time I stopped buying into other people trying to shift the blame on me when they are the ones who have behaved badly. Interesting. 

Shoving those obstacles aside!

So, I decided to take advantage of a more well placed rage and go attack the stuff I have stored in the basement. But first I had to attack the stuff surrounding it.

We have a huge basement and my landlady has issues with it getting too full of people’s stuff. Sometimes when one of us goes down to reset the router she can be heard raising her voice in a panic, “You’re not putting anything else in the basement are you?  

From the beginning, I had been assured of a certain amount of space and was even encouraged to set up a work area down there. I’ve been very careful not to spread my stuff out any further, even if I add to it. But lately every time I go down there mystery stuff is either on top of mine or piled in the way so I can’t get to my things. I move it away and the pile of oddities keeps returning, each time oozing over more area and becoming more difficult to navigate!

Tonight, I headed down into the dank dim underbelly of the house cursing in anticipation, took the stuff off of my things, moved it over so I can get to my boxes and even sit at my desk. I reorganized my area. By the time I was done, I was dirty, and sneezing and too tired to do anything else, but I didn’t care. If my stuff gets buried again, heads will roll! 

And now to Expand on the aforementioned Mr Nancy (Anansi) reference:

Walking through the hood, I meet some real characters and I get some interesting reactions when I make eye contact, smile and say, "Hello!" 

(I know, I know, I would drive people in New York crazy!)

So I shared this with Molly Blue Dawn and as usual, she knew just what had happened:

Today, as I'm walking to BART  I see an older, very dapper African American gentleman, in a pumpkin orange suit and derby type hat, with a purple shirt and tie. It wasn't garish, it looked sharp, at least on him. Everything was perfect, not a stich out of place! He was carrying a curious object made of polished wood which looked like it could have been a musical instrument or a religious item, but I couldn't get a good look at it!

I wanted to ask if I could take his picture, but I had a feeling that if I stopped to talk to him I'd have a hard time getting away! I have to say that I also wondered if I would look later and find the picture hadn’t turned out or had disappeared. It was one of those weird moments that doesn’t feel quite real.

I smiled and said, "Hello, how are you?" while continuing to walk. 

He smiled real big as he passed and then stopped and said, "Well, hello beautiful. Now I mean that, you are really beautiful, you just keep on doin' what youre doin'' 

When I said, Thanks, but didn't stop, he stood there a minute and then just sauntered on.

Molly said, "You know who that was, don't you? Mr Nancy!" I think she could be right! 

I have been going through a real downer dip of the cosmic yo yo this summer. That snap upward that follows hitting the end of the string this time really hurt. There are days that it seems a more constant peace of mind and a chance at real stability are in site and yet it also feels like a mirage, a place I can never quite reach.

My tenacity always kicks in in the face of despair. I find my happy places where I can; my cat, my lovely friends, the constant click of my camera, flirting relentlessly, finding ways to be creative, being of service to others, letting my voice sing loud and true, the good company of Hobbit-like friends and lovers and laughter by any means! If I can instigate that laughter all the better!

Yes, things are improving, but l am still really stressed . My body is mad at me for pushing it in ways that I shouldn't because I still have transportation issues. It's difficult to turn down work or be passed up for jobs because I don't have a car.  I'm still short on my rent & phone payments every month. If people weren't making donations, I wouldn't have household necessities or toiletries at all. I've pushed through some really awful personal events as well as dealing with the horrible injury and subsequent death of one of our household cats!

Despite this last bout of suck, I'm happy to be bringing levity back into my life. For a couple of weeks there I couldn't laugh at anything. Life without "silly" is like being stuck in a bucket of sludgy grey wallpaper paste that's about to be used to put up beige paper with flocked mushrooms on it; just imagine the worst patterns of the 70's, but with less color. Yeah, that about sums it up! 

Give me my wild vibrant colors of mirth and silliness back and I can make something beautiful out of that! 

* Below is a plethora of all kinds of little jokes, cuteness, and silly  images that my friends have posted or I've come across; things that have made me smile, smirk or giggle. You can stop the player anytime or click through manually. If you're having a bad day, come back and use it as fodder for cheering up. *Warning there are some political jokes and some blue humor so if you are easily offended....Wait! Does ayone easily offended actually read MY blog? Enjoy! 

 I heard something on the radio yesterday that made me really angry, then really, really sad.

Turns out retail giant, Best Buy won't be able to deliver a lot of their orders on time this year and people are furious. Reports are, no surprise, that customers are saying, "Christmas is ruined!"  

This is nothing new. Every year we hear stories about people squabbling over and even killing over gifts. And every year the chastisement of, "This is not what Christmas is all about" comes up and falls on deaf ears.  I see  increasing arrogance and aggression at which one person holiday is shoved another person's throat. Those who scream, "It's "Christmas," not "Happy Holidays," don't strike me as very Christ emulating and they certainly don't seem to have much love for their fellow man. Every year it seems that the lack of gratitude and absence of empathy increases. It's a season about, "ME,ME, ME, ME, ME! Oh and did I mention, ME? " 

It shouldn't matter that it's, "Christmas." Whatever winter holiday may be meaningful to you, Solstice, Yule, Kwanza, Hanukkah, Festivus, or Saturnalia they all are events meant to bring us humans together  and sustain us through the remaining dark of winter!  Even though gifts are traditionally given during this season, the intent is  togetherness, temporarily putting differences aside , warmth, sharing, family, and community. 

After weeks of seeing the ugliness that is "Christmas, et al" as well as being inspired by my friend Jeremy's blog and other things friends have said or written, I felt the need to comment. I have to admit, I had to stop several times while writing this because I started to sob both due to sadness AND gratitude. 

Well, I don't celebrate Christmas, however, I do try to keep the spirit of "Christmas" all year 'round. That's really what it should be about, right? So many people that I know have been stressed out this year because they might not be able to have the "right" holiday meal or money for presents or time to do all their shopping. It's unnecessary stress. I shouldn't even have to mention how many people in this country and throughout the world have so much less than you do. Look around. Who do you know that's having a rough time right now? Chances are people you care about are hungry, lonely and struggling. Adding the hubbub and commercialism of the holiday season is like rubbing salt in a wound.

Then there's the agony about the kids. "Christmas is so important for the kids!" Last night I heard a story about a big fire in San Francisco. The firefighters went in afterwards to try to salvage a family's presents but they were ruined by water and soot. The Firemen saved the day with their "Toys for Tots" bin! Part of my heart was warmed by this. Then I got to thinking. Really, this whole "presents" thing has gotten so out of hand. We as adults are the ones who have bought into this commercialized feeding frenzy and enabled our kids to become addicted to it. 

As a child, I was regularly disappointed because my parents would let me go through the Christmas catalog and ask Santa for things which I almost never, ever got even if they weren't that expensive. (I'm still waiting for my stuffed Lassie dog. In fact, I seem to have a history of receiving gifts from family and loved ones  that are clearly things that they, not I, would like or that they think will impress me and don't suit me at all, but the concept of an actual "thoughtful" gift is a tangent for another day!" ) Regardless of disappointment, I always got some things I liked and I certainly got things I needed. And, I quickly learned a lot of my joy came from watching others unwrap their gifts and from the little family traditions that made me feel connected.

Even when kids whine about toys, what they really want is to feel secure, know they are loved and have their basic needs met. Sure they might have a fit at first if they get a little less, but if you've raised them right, they'll rally. Will that Angry Birds toy really make your child feel loved? 

When I reflect back, it's clear that the things that really made the holiday season special were very simple things. Helping in the kitchen; actually preparing a meal together and  then eating together. Picking out the Christmas tree as a family and decorating was better than any of the presents under it. One of my favorite moments was the year, I convinced a beau  to set aside the artificial tree and get a real one. He really got into it as we checked out various tree lots looking for the "perfect" tree in our price range. It was so rewarding seeing him get to be a bit of a child again by introducing him to this holiday tradition. On Christmas eve my family would spread a sheet out on the living room carpet and have a "picnic." We would have all kinds of yummy snack foods and watch Christmas specials on TV. I loved that better than the big Christmas dinner because we were all together and not fighting! 

I wish more people would use the holiday as a chance to teach their kids and themselves about  helping people who have less than themselves. Take them with you to pick out warm coats and blankets to donate. Check out volunteer opportunities. Usually when you volunteer to serve a Holiday Meal at a soup kitchen, you get to eat too. Think about what  you and your child could learn about empathy, gratitude and compassion by sitting down to eat with a homeless family.

I can't tell you how to live your holiday season. I can't make you pull your head out of the "Me Space" and  live your life with compassion and kindness all year round. I can plead with you however, to stop for a moment and think about the following:

• Though I am ranting here about thinking of others, I want you to think of yourself. It's not selfish to take care of yourself. While you are stressing about what you should be doing / getting for others  stop, and be kind to yourself You can't do anything for anyone if you make yourself sick over it. Remember, you and your inner child deserve a happy holiday too. And, don't think it's not okay to ask for something if you need it!

• Be grateful. If you have a roof over your head,  a job, warmth, transportation, food in your belly, and loved ones in your life YOU ARE BLESSED! If you have more, you are doubly blessed! Spread that gratitude. Volunteer. Find out how to help those in need. If you see someone who looks like they need help, ask what you can do. Pay it forward! Smile and look a stranger in the eyes. Give a compliment. If you know someone who is alone over the holidays or hurting, Reach out!

• Give what you can. Say something. Listen. Make something. Offer something.  Last year I managed to scrape up $30 and I made 2 kinds of glycerin soap. I made ritual soaps  meant for "mindful cleansing" made with colors and scents designed to evoke the intentions of bringing in creativity & prosperity  (Or to be enjoyed as yummy smelling soap that just gets you clean) . I gave these out at a New Years Celebration where I knew a lot of people who I cared about would be. I don't know if everyone used it, but it felt so good to be able to give something I had made and filled with loving intentions back to people who had made me feel loved and valued,; people I admire. This year I don't have any money but I am offering to cook a meal for anyone who needs it, I am offering my company or any assistance I can give, I am doing my best to make sure people know I love and care about them. I am offering my thanks via this blog. Some of you will be receiving personal messages from me and maybe some from Pandora, if she's willing. Myself, it's all I have to offer and I would hope you think that's a pretty good gift.

This time of year is always very difficult for me, but the last couple of years have given me some helpful perspective. The more miserable things get, the greater I find the depth of my gratitude. I am in a situation you would think few would envy, however, many in this world would because they have even less and every day is a struggle for life!

I've been dealing with homelessness for nearly a year now.  I suffer with P.T.S.D.  and a potentially fatal neurological illness that afflicts my motor skills and causes severe pain, I have relentless insomnia that makes it difficult to function, I have had to depend on unstable people, I've had to borrow a lot of money that I thought I would have been able to pay back by now, I am hungry a lot of the time, I have very little income,  my once thriving pet care business is stuck in the doldrums, I struggle to keep any kind of communication going, I had to give up several of my pets & grieve the loss of others that died shortly before I lost my home, I've lost most of my possessions, and am about to lose the rest, I got mugged at gunpoint last week, I am on the verge of losing my repeatedly vandalized car and I am often very lonely. I think about death a lot. It's true.

There are moments during this holiday season where I've broken down and cried over helplessness and sometimes because of attachment to yes, material possessions. Even walking into Target to buy toilet paper and seeing all the crappy decorations makes me think of all the holiday stuff I have locked in storage that is about to be auctioned off to strangers. Irreplaceable photos, things I've made with my own hands,  ornaments from my Grandparents and my Great Grandmother's house! If I could have just one or two of these things they would light up my room.This Christmas, I will be caring for former neighbor's pets for a few days. I will have to walk their dogs past my old house. Part of me will want to curl up under the big pine tree out front and mourn.  

It's not like these things are lost to me due to fire or flood. It's poverty, pure and simple, circumstances beyond my control.  One of the worst things for me is that these circumstances seriously undermine my ability to do things for other people for that is what makes me feel useful and truly gives me great joy! 

Wow! You may say, how can you possibly have room for any gratitude with all that difficulty in your life? Well, there is the obvious. Even in my dubious situation, I am better off than a large percentage of the world's population and every day all I have to do is walk outside to see people in my own community who are literally living on the street to know how lucky I am. Despite not having a permanent home, I have a roof over my head and for this I am so very grateful. I have been able so far, to keep my beloved cat Li Li with me & she is healthy. That alone has probably saved my life. 

Despite my circumstances I have still found ways to be involved in my community and to be helpful to others. Because of the recent loan of a car I was able to actually offer someone else a ride home from a ritual for a change and that small act put me over the moon with joy and gratitude! I have even been able to manage to make some art and do some singing in the midst of all this chaos! I have many friends who make me laugh when I desperately need it, even if it's just through silly Facebook posts. Even though I often get those insecure pangs of feeling like an outsider I really am part of an amazing creative magical community  & I am loved and appreciated by them. I know some amazing people and I am really really lucky to have them in my life. Ultimately, I'm not dead yet and I still have my sense of humor.

This holiday, I received one of the most generous gifts I have ever received. The gift of safety, warmth, privacy, peace, security and freedom for nearly 2 weeks!  One of my friends is away for the holidays and generously gifted me & LiLi an apartment in the city and the use of a car! The car meant I could take a few jobs that I would have otherwise been forced to turn down. It's warm, sunshine streams through the windows and I have a place to cook. I am thrilled  to see my cat so happy!Life may be difficult, but even when my status is defined  moment by moment, life is good!

I would like to thank some specific people who have been such a big help to me this past year. Actually, a lot of people! Some of us may not have the best relationship right now but that does not change my deep gratitude. Some of you barely know me but make me feel like we've been friends for years! Some of you have thought you were giving me the smallest kindness, maybe you don't even realize you said or did anything that helped, but in reality it was huge to me. Some of you have just kept me sane. Some of you have just listened when I needed it or offered me wise advice when I asked. Many of you have helped me with money, transportation or food when you didn't have that much yourselves! Some of you have helped keep me sane. I love all of you so much and hope I can give to you even a little of what you've given to me even if it's by paying it forward instead of directly to you. Thank You so much!

I'm probably missing some names but this tremendous list is of people who have been gifts to me this year! 

My family, Amelia Hogan , Amir Rabiyah, Anata Fiddle-Hooper, Andrew Kaluzynski,Anita Rogerson,Antero & Sylvi Alli, Barry Perlman, Belinda Fullmer, Bob & Lisa Spickard, Brenda Starr,Brian Feraru, Brian Kenney Fresno & the beautiful Felix,Bruce Romanoff, Bunny Holmes,Carolyn Anhalt,Carroll Flowers,Catherynne Valente,Cherie Barstow & Michael Cull,Cheryl Attoe-Bennett,Cheryl Brink, Christia Katz-Mulvy, Chrisje, Cross Sidhe & Maia Mermaidian, Dan Shull, Dan Wilson,Dana Morrigan,Dara Dehnicke, Dave "Haaz-Baroque," David Campbell,David Gessel, Derik Cowan & Hayden Reynolds, Di Di Gordon, Diana Paxon, Dori Daniels and Andrew Lowe, Dragonfly & Kirk,Drezdeny,Elizabth Branson,Elizabeth Dougherty,Faye Mays Casperson, Firefly, Grey Wolf & Marcus,Heather & Barry King and their adorable boys!,Heather Verver, Hummingbird, Ignacio Zulueta, Iris & Jack of Bears,Ivy,Jade and all the staff at the former Mama Buzz,James Nelson,James Tuttle,Jennifer Norton,Jeremy Triggs,Jess & Peter Sadaichney,Jey Johnston, Joe Bell,Johanna & John White, Jolie Pearl, Jonathan Carroll, Kathryn Seabron,Katie Novotny & Michael Klinge,Katie Young,Kenne Mackillop,Kenneth Winter, Kerry Mason,Kian & Thora, Kim & Melanie, Kismet Conrad    Kris Chappell, Kyros Starr & David Williams, Lois Brady,Lauren Banister,Libby Mclaren & Robin Flower, Loren Davidson, Loreon Vigne, Mable Estella, Maddie P.,Marcia Diaz, Manea Trinicrea & James Goodin, Marcus Lorenzo Penn, Mary Leeking, Matt Hairfield,Matthew Newman,Megan Killian, Meghan Corman, Molly McEnerney,Morpheus Ravenna,Morrighan Bigelow, Paul Giomi,Persephone, Charles, Dark Moon and all the Solace gang!,The Fabulous  Ms. P-Raw!, Pixie,Rabbit Matthews & Albert Robles,Raven Leary,Rebecca Wilson,Richard Becker (and your generous friends who gave me a great 4th of July!), Robin Dolan, Robin Maskiell, Sarah Astarte, Sarah Nash,Shawn Lesniak, Sooz Baraclough,  Sparrow, Susan Peevy,  Stacey Tindle & Stacey Tindle,Shannon Burla, Shannon Way, Shelia Chandra,Sofia Acosta,Temperance De'lonkcra, Teresa Walker,Tex Allen,Tammy Patterson & Rick Shibata,Tiffany & Nicholas (and Scout)Black- Darquea,Tigris Dancing Joy, Todd Hodes,Vicki Soloman,Waziana, Wil Viharo,The Wildes (Rowan, Zo, Constance and Duncan!),Yansumi, & Zane Stein!

And of course, I must express my gratitude to God & Goddess, my ancestors, spirits, guides, elementals and benevolent forces that have helped me through this so far!

Bless you all! Happy Holidays!

Random moments of serendipity happen when I follow my instincts.

In all my crazy gypsy moments over the last few months, the thing that has always helped me feel like I am more at home is setting up an altar. I may not have roots where I rest, but the altar makes me feel more grounded! And it makes me feel like things are happening!

I have lighted in such a tiny space that I have had to make do with a piano bench squeezed in at the foot of my loft bed as both altar and media table. Ugh. I know!

Then the other morning I had an urge to stop by Mama Buzz for coffee even though I had only a wee bit of change. As I arrived a reorganization was going on. The table which normally held all the cards for various art and music events as well as money-making ventures was being replaced by 2 sleek little bookshelves.

Score! Magnificent new altar/media table!

It means a tighter squeeze when climbing up into my bed,  however I can hide the monitor under a picture of Lakshmi and the altar is now  dedicated to both Prosperity and Creative Inspiration! Since that's what the table was used for in the first place it comes fully charged! Huzzah!

It's comfy to meditate in front of my splediforous new altar because it sits at the foot of my bed. Built in cushy comfort! And it's the first and last thing I see each day.