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Flashback November 20th

11/20/2013

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I've been in a thoughtful mood of late. I thought a lot of things in my life had finally become stable, but instead they are flipping on their head once again. This year has had its fair share of beginnings and endings, break throughs and challenges, grief and immense joy! I've just ended a romantic relationship with someone I dearly love and am working on transforming it into a different kind of relationship. 

I thought I was settled where I am living but my landlady pounced on me as soon as she found out I won my disability case. She wants me to move out. So, instead of focusing on finishing all the things I need to do for disability, getting my car fixed and making a bunch of appointments. I hate having to fragment my focus like this. It makes it really hard to get things done. However, more often I am getting confirmations that this is the wrong place to be so the search for a new home at an affordable rent is on.

I thought it might be interesting to look back for a few years and see what was happening in my life on the day I am writing. I'm mostly referencing Facebook for this because all of my diaries were in storage and therefore lost. My memory is erratic so I write things down!

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2009
Things were pretty good that year. My business was still doing okay, but jobs were declining with the economy. I had my house. I had all my animals! My relationship with "Voldemort" still seemed good. It was only after leaning that my ex was a diagnosed antisocial personality, (commonly called a sociopath) and after finding some of his diaries in which he calmly, methodically described the way he was successfully manipulating his friends and also his plans for gaslighting me that I realized the first three "wonderful" years when he would constantly tell me I was the best thing that ever happened to him, weren't real. I was useful to him during that time. That is all.

We were vegetarians at the time, I presume he still is. I was technically, pescatarian,  because I ate fish. 

My aunt asked me, "Do you eat other meats like poultry...it is Thanksgiving coming up this week. "

I replied, "Nope, just fish, but I eat eggs and dairy. And if some meat product slips in, I don't like it but I don't have a cow. (pun intended)"


That evening, November 20, 2009, I also went with friends to see a really fun band (think wireless rock god cello solo while crowd surfing) called Tornado Rider. I believe they are still around, but I haven't heard from them in a while!

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2010: 
I hadn't lost my house yet, but I knew it was probably inevitable! I was in the beginning stages of recovering from and dealing with the aftermath of the whole, my boyfriend tried to kill me thing, but I had a new beau.
Ultimately, the new beau turned out not to be such a great guy, but he was treating me well and doing wonders for my self esteem, also making me feel safe since my ex was still jonesing for blood and ducking being served with the restraining order. (I’m pretty sure he hadn’t been served yet anyway) 
I had been really nervous about going out but I went to see Brian Kenney Fresno at The Starry Plough cuz, well, Brian Kenney Fresno. It was awesome!

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2011: 
I was still looking desperately for a place while I was stuck in the roach infested apartment of a mentally unstable, abusive packrat! I was pretty depressed. I was pregnant and didn't know it. I had been through some pretty tough times but this time was pretty bleak.  I was being threatened every day and was so grateful for the lock on my bedroom door! 

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I didn't tell many people about my housing predicament because the person I was living with was enmeshed in my community and like most hoarders, hid her problem very well. There were only a few friends who had been over to see it and she wasn't very happy about being outed!

Even her best friends hadn't been to her apartment. I cried every night I spent there.

However, I was looking forward to a reprieve; house-sitting in a beautiful apartment in San Francisco over the Christmas holiday! It was a countdown! I had my precious kitty and more and more I was finding I had some pretty amazing friends in my corner.

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2012: 
Last year. I had been living here for 10 months and thought I’d be able to settle in for a good long time. I was enjoying being single. I was starting to move out of my grief after miscarrying. I felt wanted. It was really rough still being on welfare and having to scramble for my rent and bills, the disability case dragging on and on. I was really sick, had a nasty virus but I posted a picture of a cute kitty in a tree with orange leaves!

I posted several quotes that day:
"Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be."
-- Samuel Johnson
"I tell you this
to break your heart,
by which I mean only
that it break open and never close again
to the rest of the world."
Mary Oliver
"Not getting the thing you want may sometimes take you closer to the thing that you are."
Loreena McKennitt
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And I promoted my friend Amelia’s Kickstarter campaign! By the way, the resulting album is amazing and you should buy it! Here is a link!




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2013:
And where am I today looking back at all those November 20th's?
(besides being really grateful I'm not back in 2010 or 2011!)

I am happy AND sad. I am much more grounded in being myself. I know who I am and what I want and importantly, what I am not willing to put up with. I am mourning what's passing that I thought had value and enthusiastically looking forward!

I had plans today, but wasn't able to connect, then found out that's because my dear friend is really sick! I got some writing in, but the internet crashed before I could post it!  When I went downstairs to reset the router I discovered that my poor little car has been the victim of a hit and run. This just means additional time and money before I can drive it again. So the day has taken a very different turn from what I expected. That's ok. I have learned to roll with it whether I like it or not!

The icing on the cake was getting a ride to Calling All Choir to rehearse with the San Francisco Chapter tonight. I've missed weeks and weeks of this and it was such a joy to be able to sing with such wonderful voices. I am so grateful that Mark lets me come when my schedule permits! Tonight we recorded one of my favorite pieces, Moonlight! I feel recharged, calmer and a bit more focused! It goes to show you that even when things are most challenging, there is joy to be had and much to be grateful for!

Upon reflection, some of these November 20th's were not so great! But when I look back I see hope and I see progress!

It will get better. It already is.

***By the way, if you would like to sing with The Calling All Choir we will be open for new members again in February 2014. Check the website for info about registration and public concerts. You can also find out more and LIKE us on Facebook!
You can find out where the amazing Mark Growden is performing on his site! More about Brian Kenney Fresno Here & I highly recommend his Facebook page for current tour info.
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4 Things Worth Considering, A Visit From Mr Nancy, The Return of Mirth (and some things to make you smile or smirk)

7/31/2012

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*As usual, there are lots of little "Easter Egg" links throughout this multi-faceted post. They'll lead you  to images. info, videos, etc. Click as you go or do it the second time around. I hope you enjoy! 


Today (Monday, July 30th) has been an interesting day full of things to reflect on: 

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Lessons I still need to work on. 

 I've had a habit of forgetting about my boundaries at times because:  A) I desperately need money and  B) I want to make people happy.


 I thought I was getting better at it, however, today both my time management skills and my boundaries slipped as I tried to squeeze in a meeting with someone who had potential work for me when I knew the timing was unlikely to work and sure enough it didn't. 


After a long hard weekend culminating in exhaustion and insomnia, I overslept, which left too small a window to cram the meeting in before an appointment and a kitty care stop I had scheduled for later. The result; both of us were inconvenienced and the potential work has been put off, though granted, to a more sensible time.


 Lorelei, just say, “no,”  If it won’t work. It’s OK!


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Happy place moments. 

When I walk through my neighborhood I see and experience things you won’t find everywhere else, like being paid a compliment by, Mr Nancy *(Anansi, see note below), like a band playing on top of an, “Occupy” bus, like a yard bursting with flowers, gnomes and gargoyles, lofts that couldn’t possibly be lofts next to a carriage house that could be, or a bit of garbage on a tree stump that looks more like an offering carefully placed than random items thoughtlessly discarded!
 * Slide show of snapshots from my walk to follow.

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Affirmation that my friends are awesome and even people that don’t know me think I’m worth investing some energy in. 

Molly Blue Dawn swooped me up so I could take care of a kitty today and also drove me to pick up some gorgeous silk hanging lantern-style lamps  (Sort of like these) that a woman I’ve been corresponding with because of  Freecycle was giving me. 

I’m thrilled that anyone bothers to read this blog and ecstatic if they bring something positive away from it. This woman wrote, “I read your blog (well, part of it). It is very moving and inspiring and I wish you the best. Your generosity in the face of such difficulties is amazing! “ Wow! That was kind of awesome to read in the middle of trying times!

She has passed quite a few things my way as she’s been purging at home and while doing so has been incredibly thoughtful. This evening I finally met her, her husband and played peek-a-boo with her adorable toddler! 

She likes the idea of what I call my “ritual soaps” (Using the power of intention along with luxurious scented soaps to make bathing a mindful experience, washing the dirt away and manifesting your desires at the same time!) and has some awesome ideas I can incorporate.

 It’s nice when people who don’t even know you are rooting for you! And kinda awesome when you get to meet interesting people in ways you don’t expect. 

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My therapist wants me to get in touch with my anger. 

Hmm. Does he really want to unleash my “big green guy?” 

I have a LOT to be angry about and justifiably so. When I expressed to him my ambivalence about directly blaming a couple of people for a big portion of the situation I’ve been struggling with, trying to let them off the hook because they originally meant well and because I always try to look at my part in things, he pointed out that Lady Justice wears a blindfold so that she can judge fairly. He suggested that my holding them accountable was indeed the fair assessment and that maybe it’s time I stopped buying into other people trying to shift the blame on me when they are the ones who have behaved badly. Interesting. 

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Shoving those obstacles aside!

So, I decided to take advantage of a more well placed rage and go attack the stuff I have stored in the basement. But first I had to attack the stuff surrounding it.

We have a huge basement and my landlady has issues with it getting too full of people’s stuff. Sometimes when one of us goes down to reset the router she can be heard raising her voice in a panic, “You’re not putting anything else in the basement are you?  

From the beginning, I had been assured of a certain amount of space and was even encouraged to set up a work area down there. I’ve been very careful not to spread my stuff out any further, even if I add to it. But lately every time I go down there mystery stuff is either on top of mine or piled in the way so I can’t get to my things. I move it away and the pile of oddities keeps returning, each time oozing over more area and becoming more difficult to navigate!

Tonight, I headed down into the dank dim underbelly of the house cursing in anticipation, took the stuff off of my things, moved it over so I can get to my boxes and even sit at my desk. I reorganized my area. By the time I was done, I was dirty, and sneezing and too tired to do anything else, but I didn’t care. If my stuff gets buried again, heads will roll! 

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And now to Expand on the aforementioned Mr Nancy (Anansi) reference:

Walking through the hood, I meet some real characters and I get some interesting reactions when I make eye contact, smile and say, "Hello!" 

(I know, I know, I would drive people in New York crazy!)

So I shared this with Molly Blue Dawn and as usual, she knew just what had happened:

Today, as I'm walking to BART  I see an older, very dapper African American gentleman, in a pumpkin orange suit and derby type hat, with a purple shirt and tie. It wasn't garish, it looked sharp, at least on him. Everything was perfect, not a stich out of place! He was carrying a curious object made of polished wood which looked like it could have been a musical instrument or a religious item, but I couldn't get a good look at it!

I wanted to ask if I could take his picture, but I had a feeling that if I stopped to talk to him I'd have a hard time getting away! I have to say that I also wondered if I would look later and find the picture hadn’t turned out or had disappeared. It was one of those weird moments that doesn’t feel quite real.

I smiled and said, "Hello, how are you?" while continuing to walk. 

He smiled real big as he passed and then stopped and said, "Well, hello beautiful. Now I mean that, you are really beautiful, you just keep on doin' what youre doin'' 

When I said, Thanks, but didn't stop, he stood there a minute and then just sauntered on.

Molly said, "You know who that was, don't you? Mr Nancy!" I think she could be right! 

The Return of Mirth!!!

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I have been going through a real downer dip of the cosmic yo yo this summer. That snap upward that follows hitting the end of the string this time really hurt. There are days that it seems a more constant peace of mind and a chance at real stability are in site and yet it also feels like a mirage, a place I can never quite reach.

My tenacity always kicks in in the face of despair. I find my happy places where I can; my cat, my lovely friends, the constant click of my camera, flirting relentlessly, finding ways to be creative, being of service to others, letting my voice sing loud and true, the good company of Hobbit-like friends and lovers and laughter by any means! If I can instigate that laughter all the better!

Yes, things are improving, but l am still really stressed . My body is mad at me for pushing it in ways that I shouldn't because I still have transportation issues. It's difficult to turn down work or be passed up for jobs because I don't have a car.  I'm still short on my rent & phone payments every month. If people weren't making donations, I wouldn't have household necessities or toiletries at all. I've pushed through some really awful personal events as well as dealing with the horrible injury and subsequent death of one of our household cats!

Despite this last bout of suck, I'm happy to be bringing levity back into my life. For a couple of weeks there I couldn't laugh at anything. Life without "silly" is like being stuck in a bucket of sludgy grey wallpaper paste that's about to be used to put up beige paper with flocked mushrooms on it; just imagine the worst patterns of the 70's, but with less color. Yeah, that about sums it up! 

Give me my wild vibrant colors of mirth and silliness back and I can make something beautiful out of that! 



Here are some scenes from my walk through my West Oakland neighborhood 07/30/2012
* Below is a plethora of all kinds of little jokes, cuteness, and silly  images that my friends have posted or I've come across; things that have made me smile, smirk or giggle. You can stop the player anytime or click through manually. If you're having a bad day, come back and use it as fodder for cheering up. *Warning there are some political jokes and some blue humor so if you are easily offended....Wait! Does ayone easily offended actually read MY blog? Enjoy! 
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And Now For Something Really Different!

6/20/2012

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The always elegant, James Tuttle who would probably even look classy in Daisy Dukes!
On a lighter note for a change,  I have to enthusiastically put in a plug for Jame's Tuttle's recent fashion blog on men’s shorts,  The Short's List 2012!  Yes, I want you to read someone else’s blog! (In fact, several other people's blogs, if you are inspired  to check out the links following this little ramble.) 


Hey, wait a minute! After you read mine, of course!

What is there to be said about men’s shorts, you ask? Well, evidently  in Tuttle’s usual brilliant and witty style, plenty!  Did you know that blazers with shorts are a fashion trend right now, though no one seems to be wearing this look (thank Goddess) including the designer promoting it? Do you know that hipsters
 “coordinate” their flannel shirts with their denim shorts? Did you know that only gay men should be allowed to wear short shorts? I was inclined to agree  until I thought about some of the gay men I’ll see if I go to SF Pride this weekend who should NOT be wearing short shorts and some who really should NOT be walking around naked either, but that’s Pride for you; anything goes! Some of it is fabulous and some of it you just have to back slowly away from and work on your denial skills!

But, don’t just read this blog passively. Sure, you’ll get a few giggles, but you might learn something if  you click his link promising "a more in depth look into the world of jean shorts”  
(warning it doesn’t open in a separate window so if you take this excursion remember to click back on your browser and finish reading Tuttle), look at the slide show with the commentary on each style to  see if you agree  (Sorry, those bandana print and horizontal striped shorts have to goooo but yes, those shoes are cool!) then, read on for a review of the new Dallas.

I’m debating whether or not to send a link to my housemate, “Futuro Padre Episcopal,” who says he doesn’t read blogs. He basically LIVES in Bermuda shorts all year round. Clearly, he cares about comfort more than fashion! This picture is not my housemate, but you get the idea! Something has clearly gone wrong here.

I don’t read James' blogs religiously, but I do read them all! He’s prolific so sometimes I wait until a few compile and go on a reading binge where I do actually LOL quite a bit!

James is one of a few former schoolmates who managed to “escape” my home town (whose point of distinction according to Wikipedia is its prison, "
the first prison actively solicited by a community in the state of California. "  and actually make something brilliant of themselves! (The Jury’s still out on me!)  I’m sure  he looks fabulous in short shorts. From photos one can see he’s one of those beautiful people who look good in just about everything or nothing! (I can only presume) Add talented, smart, funny and good hearted to the equation and ladies everywhere will want to run straight for the Kleenex box because he’s both gay and taken!

Huzzah, James! I’ve been reading his blogs for just over a year now and they've given me a laugh and distraction  in times that were so dark it seemed impossible to find either.  His writing consistently transcends the running themes of fashion, gay men and reality TV. He is always topical and funny! By the way, did I mention his blog  is funny? 

I really, really hope he writes a book someday! Fiction, non-fiction; any subject will do! I know it will be worth reading!


And while I'm plugging other people's blogs:


  • I was delighted to see that my dear friend, The Wishbringer, Molly Blue Dawn; a walking inspiration, has gone beyond her usual weekly listing of other people's events and has started sharing her own thoughts and inspirations! Here is a wonderful essay on  giving yourself, " Permission to be New! "
  • I'd also encourage you to take a stroll through some of Yeshe Rabbit's recent writings at her Way of the Rabbit Blog, Recent topics include exciting news about where you can find more of her writing, a wonderful piece about Loreon Vigne, the founder of Isis Oasis, who just turned 95! and thoughts on Oshun and the Transit of Venus.
  • My favorite go to blog for laughing out loud, very loudly; The Bloggess! I recommend going back through the archives. (Take a week) Click on every link in every blog and you'll be on a tangent of delightful hysteria, (You'll also know why so many of us want Nathan Fillion to pose with a ball of twine, how funny a taxidermied  squirrel can be, and why I want my own metal chicken named Beyonce! Start with this recent blog about tweeting quotes from unknowns!
  • And if you wish to read something a little more serious, try A Noir Perspective. Jeremy's  been writing from some very personal places lately.  His thought's on who is really family to you resonates with me and his memories of the LA Riots bring that time right back to me!

Other Relevant Links:

  • In case you missed the link in the text above, here's The Short's List!
  • James' Blog Archive 
  • That link from James with a history of denim shorts 
  • And combining a very silly loo at both short shorts and denim shorts, here's an ad for Wrangler Tiny Jeans shorts!


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Just for fun, here's a picture of ME in shorts as a lettergirl for The Buccaneers, in high school!

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SUCCESS

6/2/2012

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Recently, I've wanted to write and I've had lots of ideas, but despite my best intentions,  I  haven't posted to this blog in a long time. Oh, so very much has been happening and I've been in overload mode.  

When I am exhausted or stressed it is more difficult for me to write articulately! I've simply been living day to day. Now that my old life is essentially gone, I'm trying to build a  new life; one with meaning! It can't all be for nothing!

Lately, I've had a tossed salad of good and not so good. I am still struggling, however,  generally quite happy in the face of each and every challenge.

I am blessed to know some really amazing people in my group of dear friends. Recent conversations have made me realize that many of us have the same goals  and concerns in common. No matter what medium we use to put our energies out into the world,  we all want to build positive things. Our sense of value comes from our ability to help others. Being of service is what gives our life joy and meaning. 

Even in my most desperate moments, when I was hungry, frightened and homeless, I worried about what contribution I was making to the world around me. Despite having very little money and challenges with transportation, I volunteered, I offered, I gave and did what I could. Often when I was unable to do anything I felt was productive or helpful it added to my depression and I would question my reason for being here.  


As things have slowly become more stable it has been exciting for me to be able to take part more, to do more, create more. I often find myself in the position to lend encouragement to others who doubt their value or don't see the contribution they do make each and every day. It's interesting and sad that so many people who are lovely, talented, generous and genuine just don;t see the huge impact that they make on everyone they touch!

I have a lovely little friend, we call, The Hobbit, who is an amazing musician. She has a voice that would make angels weep with jealousy. She is also incredibly kind, giving and fun! We relate through our personal histories,  struggles, our odd sense of humor and certainly through music. She has had a tough time of it of late; unemployment,  difficulty covering even the most basic costs of bills and food, a Kickstarter campaign that didn't bring in quite enough to finish her project, people flaking on crucial promises,  and a relationship she thought had a future falling apart in a very painful way.  (By the way, a note about Kickstarter, not only do you have to pay taxes on the money which cuts into your project budget, but even though it is money earmarked for s specific purpose, not living expenses, it can affect you unemployment and food stamps benefits because it counts as income.)

People have come through for her with help where they can, by helping with groceries, car insurance and a temporary place to live rent free. They do this because they love her; she is immensely lovable! They do this because she is a shiny soul, not one with a shallow surface sparkle, but the deep shiny glow of a rare treasure that is precious inside and out. They do this because they believe in her, they see her tremendous gifts and capabilities. They do it because they want her to be safe, and healthy. She already has so much to offer, and they know she will accomplish so much once she gets back on her feet. Everyone needs a leg up now and then. 

Still, she has moments of guilt and great doubt. Even when people around us SEE us we sometimes can't see ourselves. 

For us, both of us, it boils down to, "How does my life have meaning? What am I contributing? What am I doing? Am I helping? Am I taking the pain I've experienced and building  something positive with it?"

Even though she is struggling and can't always see it, her life has profound meaning. Though she is not famous or wealthy, she is respected and successful as a person and an artist.

I have realized that I have somewhat of a personal mission when it comes to taking my pain and turning it into a positive. I've found that since I became more open about the traumas and abuses I've experienced that it has indeed been helpful to people. Sometimes people are inspired merely by the fact that I have actually survived all of it. Others see that if I can do it, they can be happy as well. Sometimes people take comfort in a story that resonates with theirs being spoken out loud. Now that I have discovered what real, healthy self esteem is all about,  I've been better able to encourage others to believe in their own value.

Most days my life has meaning. Most days I feel valuable. Small and insignificant as I am in the grand scheme of things, I am contributing to making the world a better place. 

My life would be a lot easier and less worrisome with more money, but money alone is not the answer. It just helps. It is not a measure of success.

It's not a common occurrence for me to find inspirations in things that the uber religious say, but even though his proselytizing sometimes makes me cringe, Tim Tebow, a Christian NFL star earns my respect by walking the walk. This quote from him really resonates with me, 

" Success comes in a lot of ways, but it doesn't come with money and it doesn't come with fame. It comes from having a meaning in your life, doing what you love and being passionate about what you do. That's having a life of success. When you have the ability to do what you love, love what you do and have the ability to impact people. That's having a life of success. That's what having a life of meaning is." 

Here's to success, may we all have more of it!


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Strength

5/29/2012

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In February, I had the rewarding experience of participating in a production of, Oracles of Living Tarot. at 2012 PantheaCon

In this theater event each major arcana card is represented. We all write and perform our own monologues. We do our best to bring the cards to life and each year the message each card brings is different. This year a lot of us had very personal stories to share.

The order of performance is determined by the audience who draws the cards in random order. 

After this past year and as a culmination of my life thus far, the Strength card really resonates with me.

Also, this year, we again  had an interactive Fool which really helped as a foil for the heaviness of my presentation. 

I'd like to share my monologue with you here. I hope it inspires you.


Strength Monologue:

(Strength comes out to Kelly Clarkson's, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" Instead of a lion, Strength is carrying ChocoCat from Hello Kitty. The Fool pesters Strength as she walks out. Strength, clearly frustrated and tired does her best to fend the Fool off.)

Strength: 

That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger? (shouts) Ha!

Things have been really tough for a lot of us these days! 

Sometimes it's circumstances. Bad luck.Sometimes we make poor choices that bring pain and chaos into our lives.

Sometimes life hands you a "shit sandwich!"

(Fool puts a sandwich in Strength's hand. Strength gives the Fool a WTF? pissed off expression and looks at the sandwich in her hand with disgust)

And sometimes life continues to force feed you "shit sandwiches" until you decide you don't want to eat shit anymore and you learn to say, "No thank you." 

(Hands sandwich back to the Fool) 

Well, the "Shit Sandwich" life handed me was a "submarine." From the age of three I experienced just about every kind of abuse you can imagine. This continued into my adult life because I had not learned that I didn't deserve it. (Self esteem is a recent discovery of mine. ) And, I didn't know how to avoid it;I had not known any other way. I was eternally spinning on a wheel of "bad fortune!"

Long list, but just to name a few: Rape, incest, domestic violence, life threatening health issues, chronic pain, financial worries, car trouble, legal trouble; really, really bad love decisions!

For a long time I thought I was strong because I had learned to endure. Then I realized that Strength is about making choices.

Things came to a head when I made the choice to give up a relationship where I had financial stability rather than lose my life at the hands of an alcoholic with an anger management problem.

That choice led to the worst year of my life; extreme poverty, homelessness, humiliation, learning to keep asking for help even when people clearly wanted me and my problems to go away, well meaning people wanting to help and actually making my situation worse, predatory people taking advantage of my vulnerable situation and lots of unsolicited advice and commentary.

Some of my favorites:

  • "It's been two weeks. You have a job and a new place to live & everything's just fine now right?" 
  • "It's only stuff. Let it go." 
  • "God doesn't give you anything you can't handle." 
  • "Maybe the universe is trying to teach you a lesson here. Could you have made better choices?" 
  • "Let Go. Let Goddess."

The worst year of my life culminated in the loss of nearly all of my possessions.

You may be thinking, "Wow! That transmission repair my car needs and the broken washing machine don't seem so bad right now!" Or, "What's she bitching about? I have terminal cancer!"

All pain is equal in the eyes of the universe. Your pain is as real to you as mine is to me.

We have choices. Strength is how we choose to deal with that pain. 

(Holding up ChocoCat) 

Sometimes you need to let the lion roar a bit. Stand up for yourself! Speak your truth!

(Cradles Chococat and puts a finger on his mouth) 

Most of the time, it's best to be calm, quiet and let your truth shine out from within.

Strength is making the choice to dig deep within yourself no matter how hard it is and find what you need to push on through!

I've made the choice to put that "shit sandwich" to good use, as fertilizer. And finally, some beautiful flowers are starting to bloom.


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Beautiful Rose blooming in the parking lot of the West Oakland Post Office. Flowers find a way to grow in even the most oppressive environments.
Here are some links to writings on the web about the 2012 Oracles From The Living Tarot. from  participants and some nclude their monologues:

  • Yeshe Rabbit includes her unusual, witty and wonderful, Wheel of Fortune" piece here!
  • Derik Cowan's Post  P-Con debrief. Derik is an OLT veteran and directed this year's presentation as well  as portraying The Magician in an oh so wonderful way as a whirling dervish to Queen's, A Kind of Magic! 
  • Dr. Hayden Reynolds, talks about his P-Con experiences as a  member of the Circle of Dionysos, including this year's ritual theater production of , A Modern Dionysian Initiation (A different twist on the Rocky Horror Picture Show) and includes his monologue for The Hierophant also!

Below are some various depictions of the Strength card. I don't have links or info on all of them and some don't come from completed decks. If you recognize an image, please clue me in! If you click on the image I have lined it to an associated website whenever possible!
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8/08/2012 adding some  additional thoughts relevant to this post. My amazing friend Molly recently introduced me to You Tube Video Blogger, Myles Dyer. He echoes my thoughts about pain being relative, that no one's experience of pain is trumped by another. Myles puts forth some very funny videos, some very thoughtful and serious video blogs, has raised money for charity with other video bloggers and seems to be a pretty amazing person all around. He makes some pretty emotionally astute observations. Some of his videos, like this one are long rants. Sometimes you need a long ramble to listen to when you are having a tough time. 
This is called, "You are Not Alone." It's beautiful, it's valuable. Give it a go, especially if you are going through a rough time or are trying to figure out how to help someone who is struggling!

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Out of One Box and Into Another

2/3/2012

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Sometimes one event in a normal day can throw you for a loop. Sometimes that event is an accident, sometimes, it's a phone call, sometimes the shake up comes in the guise of a simple box.

So, Thursday was an up and down day. Mostly good. I’ve been really productive. The fabulous Tammy P. scooped me up, took me on some errands which included coffee, much needed grocery run, some daffodils for my window sill and got my poor car jump started and moved once again to avoid the boot (literally).

The evening had some  initial disappointment, all due to my lack of transportation. An old friend was playing in the city and I had been trying for about a week to drum up someone to go with me (and drive of course). I launched a last minute attempt which failed, alas. The other social gathering I would have loved to have gone to was also not an option because I didn’t have a ride.

However, I quickly made the best of being “stuck at home!” I started a new process of “Tetris,” the result of having to partially move in to a dirty room which had not been cleaned by the previous tenant because there was no time, started scrubbing windows and walls and got a nice section of floor mopped. I even dragged the household's trash and recycling out to the curb! That was a workout! I got one of my wire shelves back together & throw rugs down. A room less stinky & sticky. More homey and organized. Way more Lorelei Moon!

I had a quick dinner with my dear stressed out landlady and one of the other people who lives here who I think I will like very much. I hauled out all the trash. I cuddled my naughty kitty who has been prowling the house off and on all day.

I was feeling pretty spiffy until, whammo, I opened a box! (Yes, as a Priestess of Pandora, the humor is not lost on me, especially since I was already feeling the metaphor after escaping from a situation where I felt trapped as if in a pretty dark box with the lid nailed down!) 

It was an innocuous looking little shoebox that I had grabbed from my car on impulse, one of the last things I had frantically grabbed from storage before I got locked out and my entire life was auctioned off. (Think about me, next time you find yourself gleefully enjoying shows like “Storage Wars,” that turn a human being’s tragedy into entertainment.)  Inside the box was a small sampling of an entire life time I have lost. A life time of photos and time markers that are crucial to a trauma survivor with PTSD who sometimes finds her memory is like Swiss cheese without things like diaries (gone), careful notes (all gone) and photos (gone). I still can’t decide which horrifies me more, the fact that these personal things, worthless to the buyer are thrown away or that someone has possibly gone through them looking at, touching, reading my most intimate moments.

The box contained several packs of playing cards leftover from childhood, including a double deck with pretty horses on the back and a souvenir pack with cable cars on the back from a trip to San Francisco. I was pretty young. All I remember from that trip, and I could be melding two trips into one, but I don’t think so, are pieces of two unpleasant memories. One of my dad lifting me onto his shoulders to see a Gilbert and Sullivan Operetta and hurting his back. I remember having to go to a big hospital,. Did he go in an ambulance? And I remember feeling to blame for hurting my father because I wanted to see what was going on and being allowed to sip watered down hospital coffee  loaded with powdery non dairy creamer.  The other event, our car being broken into while we were in a museum in Golden Gate Park, the De Young, I believe. All our luggage was stolen and my little quilted purse which had my favorite pendant, a moonstone which even then, I knew to be most magical. I would stare at it and it would become my portal to a safe place when I needed it! 

The box also held an odd assortment of photographs which only serve to remind me of how many just went poof, probably into the landfill.

  • A school photo of my Dad, circa 1994. I really love his smile in this picture. He looks like a great guy.
  • A photo of my nephew, circa 1993. He looks just like my brother.
  • One of my favorite photos of me, all rock and rolled up for a gig. I have a similar one on Facebook, but I should get this one scanned.
  • A picture of my beloved cat Li Li circa 2002.
  • A picture of me when I was working as an optician my Mom took on a visit to the store. I’m working. I don’t know why, but my mom has always had a thing about visiting me on the job. Good thing I never became a prostitute. That would have been awkward.
  • A number of animal photos, many dear deceased pets of clients I’ve had over the years. This tears at the lining of my soul a bit. Many, many photos of my own deceased pets, along with the negatives were lost in storage. The ashes of my beloved cats along with clippings of their hair most likely callously disposed of.
  • A picture of me and Mom after I graduated from college. Me in my cap and gown with my hair cut short. Mom looking pleased and really stunning in a jewel toned dress.
  • A photo from Christmas 1989 at my brother’s house. Carefully decorated fussy tree courtesy of my sister in law and a hoard of presents fit for Smaug, however these were mostly for her daughter Heidi. 
  • A photo of my brother from that same Christmas.
  • And, most disturbing, a Christmas Card photo from my Grandparents. I have no idea what year this is from. Even though it’s color, there’s something about it that reminds me of an old timey sepia photograph where people have been standing very still in a formal pose because the exposure takes so long. They  are standing arm in arm squinting into the camera, sun in their eyes.  Grandpa has one hand in his pocket and the arm linked with his wife’s is holding the pipe that along with years of asbestos exposure eventually killed him. He’s smiling, but he also looks resigned. His eyes are even puffier than I remember. He has a flower in his lapel and his tie is askew. Grandma stands slightly behind him in a flowered dress I remember well, looking up from her hunch-backed posture which always made her look a little shy. I always worried that this would happen to me. It seemed like it must have been both uncomfortable and frustrating to not be able to hold one’s head up straight, but she managed. Somehow, with the smile and the way the sun fades the exposure, making shadows on her face makes her look sinister. It simply says, “Season’s Greetings,” nothing on the back.

It is a box full of loss, extremely unpleasant memories mixed with reminders of the loss of sweet ones. If I hadn’t lost so much already, there are items in this box I might consider ceremonially burning as if that would eliminate the memories I wish my mind had lost along with the others it purged because it was busy dealing with trauma. 

Does Pandora really think I’m in a place to deal with this now? Perhaps she is reminding me once again, that it is perfectly acceptable to examine things and put some of them back in the box for a while rather than deal with them all at once. I don’t have to decide tonight. I can grieve. I can be  angry. I can also enjoy my new nest in progress. 

Ironically, earlier this evening a thought popped into my head as I was thinking both about my own situation and that of another friend who life just sucker-punched with such an inconceivable wallop, I would have laughed if he had announced it on April first! I posted this thought on my Facebook wall then, and I think it applies here, “Sometimes all one can do is defy limbo and move forward!”

Or as that little fish Dory, I like to quote says, “Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim. “


*For further complimentary reading,  I'd like to link my dear friend, Yeshe Rabbit's recent blog here for you: Way of the Rabbit: Choosing Our Challenges!

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Serendipity Do Dah!

8/27/2011

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Random moments of serendipity happen when I follow my instincts.

In all my crazy gypsy moments over the last few months, the thing that has always helped me feel like I am more at home is setting up an altar. I may not have roots where I rest, but the altar makes me feel more grounded! And it makes me feel like things are happening!

I have lighted in such a tiny space that I have had to make do with a piano bench squeezed in at the foot of my loft bed as both altar and media table. Ugh. I know!

Then the other morning I had an urge to stop by Mama Buzz for coffee even though I had only a wee bit of change. As I arrived a reorganization was going on. The table which normally held all the cards for various art and music events as well as money-making ventures was being replaced by 2 sleek little bookshelves.

Score! Magnificent new altar/media table!

It means a tighter squeeze when climbing up into my bed,  however I can hide the monitor under a picture of Lakshmi and the altar is now  dedicated to both Prosperity and Creative Inspiration! Since that's what the table was used for in the first place it comes fully charged! Huzzah!

It's comfy to meditate in front of my splediforous new altar because it sits at the foot of my bed. Built in cushy comfort! And it's the first and last thing I see each day.
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Embrace The Squeaky Wheel of Change!

7/12/2011

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Some of you may disapprove of my current open display of dissatisfaction. Dissatisfaction is the seed that change grows from. You can quote me on that.
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From the Gill Tarot
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