I've been in a thoughtful mood of late. I thought a lot of things in my life had finally become stable, but instead they are flipping on their head once again. This year has had its fair share of beginnings and endings, break throughs and challenges, grief and immense joy! I've just ended a romantic relationship with someone I dearly love and am working on transforming it into a different kind of relationship.
I thought I was settled where I am living but my landlady pounced on me as soon as she found out I won my disability case. She wants me to move out. So, instead of focusing on finishing all the things I need to do for disability, getting my car fixed and making a bunch of appointments. I hate having to fragment my focus like this. It makes it really hard to get things done. However, more often I am getting confirmations that this is the wrong place to be so the search for a new home at an affordable rent is on.
I thought it might be interesting to look back for a few years and see what was happening in my life on the day I am writing. I'm mostly referencing Facebook for this because all of my diaries were in storage and therefore lost. My memory is erratic so I write things down!
I thought I was settled where I am living but my landlady pounced on me as soon as she found out I won my disability case. She wants me to move out. So, instead of focusing on finishing all the things I need to do for disability, getting my car fixed and making a bunch of appointments. I hate having to fragment my focus like this. It makes it really hard to get things done. However, more often I am getting confirmations that this is the wrong place to be so the search for a new home at an affordable rent is on.
I thought it might be interesting to look back for a few years and see what was happening in my life on the day I am writing. I'm mostly referencing Facebook for this because all of my diaries were in storage and therefore lost. My memory is erratic so I write things down!
2009
Things were pretty good that year. My business was still doing okay, but jobs were declining with the economy. I had my house. I had all my animals! My relationship with "Voldemort" still seemed good. It was only after leaning that my ex was a diagnosed antisocial personality, (commonly called a sociopath) and after finding some of his diaries in which he calmly, methodically described the way he was successfully manipulating his friends and also his plans for gaslighting me that I realized the first three "wonderful" years when he would constantly tell me I was the best thing that ever happened to him, weren't real. I was useful to him during that time. That is all.
We were vegetarians at the time, I presume he still is. I was technically, pescatarian, because I ate fish.
My aunt asked me, "Do you eat other meats like poultry...it is Thanksgiving coming up this week. "
I replied, "Nope, just fish, but I eat eggs and dairy. And if some meat product slips in, I don't like it but I don't have a cow. (pun intended)"
That evening, November 20, 2009, I also went with friends to see a really fun band (think wireless rock god cello solo while crowd surfing) called Tornado Rider. I believe they are still around, but I haven't heard from them in a while!
Things were pretty good that year. My business was still doing okay, but jobs were declining with the economy. I had my house. I had all my animals! My relationship with "Voldemort" still seemed good. It was only after leaning that my ex was a diagnosed antisocial personality, (commonly called a sociopath) and after finding some of his diaries in which he calmly, methodically described the way he was successfully manipulating his friends and also his plans for gaslighting me that I realized the first three "wonderful" years when he would constantly tell me I was the best thing that ever happened to him, weren't real. I was useful to him during that time. That is all.
We were vegetarians at the time, I presume he still is. I was technically, pescatarian, because I ate fish.
My aunt asked me, "Do you eat other meats like poultry...it is Thanksgiving coming up this week. "
I replied, "Nope, just fish, but I eat eggs and dairy. And if some meat product slips in, I don't like it but I don't have a cow. (pun intended)"
That evening, November 20, 2009, I also went with friends to see a really fun band (think wireless rock god cello solo while crowd surfing) called Tornado Rider. I believe they are still around, but I haven't heard from them in a while!
2010:
I hadn't lost my house yet, but I knew it was probably inevitable! I was in the beginning stages of recovering from and dealing with the aftermath of the whole, my boyfriend tried to kill me thing, but I had a new beau.
Ultimately, the new beau turned out not to be such a great guy, but he was treating me well and doing wonders for my self esteem, also making me feel safe since my ex was still jonesing for blood and ducking being served with the restraining order. (I’m pretty sure he hadn’t been served yet anyway)
I had been really nervous about going out but I went to see Brian Kenney Fresno at The Starry Plough cuz, well, Brian Kenney Fresno. It was awesome!
I hadn't lost my house yet, but I knew it was probably inevitable! I was in the beginning stages of recovering from and dealing with the aftermath of the whole, my boyfriend tried to kill me thing, but I had a new beau.
Ultimately, the new beau turned out not to be such a great guy, but he was treating me well and doing wonders for my self esteem, also making me feel safe since my ex was still jonesing for blood and ducking being served with the restraining order. (I’m pretty sure he hadn’t been served yet anyway)
I had been really nervous about going out but I went to see Brian Kenney Fresno at The Starry Plough cuz, well, Brian Kenney Fresno. It was awesome!
2011:
I was still looking desperately for a place while I was stuck in the roach infested apartment of a mentally unstable, abusive packrat! I was pretty depressed. I was pregnant and didn't know it. I had been through some pretty tough times but this time was pretty bleak. I was being threatened every day and was so grateful for the lock on my bedroom door!
I was still looking desperately for a place while I was stuck in the roach infested apartment of a mentally unstable, abusive packrat! I was pretty depressed. I was pregnant and didn't know it. I had been through some pretty tough times but this time was pretty bleak. I was being threatened every day and was so grateful for the lock on my bedroom door!
I didn't tell many people about my housing predicament because the person I was living with was enmeshed in my community and like most hoarders, hid her problem very well. There were only a few friends who had been over to see it and she wasn't very happy about being outed!
Even her best friends hadn't been to her apartment. I cried every night I spent there.
However, I was looking forward to a reprieve; house-sitting in a beautiful apartment in San Francisco over the Christmas holiday! It was a countdown! I had my precious kitty and more and more I was finding I had some pretty amazing friends in my corner.
Even her best friends hadn't been to her apartment. I cried every night I spent there.
However, I was looking forward to a reprieve; house-sitting in a beautiful apartment in San Francisco over the Christmas holiday! It was a countdown! I had my precious kitty and more and more I was finding I had some pretty amazing friends in my corner.
2012:
Last year. I had been living here for 10 months and thought I’d be able to settle in for a good long time. I was enjoying being single. I was starting to move out of my grief after miscarrying. I felt wanted. It was really rough still being on welfare and having to scramble for my rent and bills, the disability case dragging on and on. I was really sick, had a nasty virus but I posted a picture of a cute kitty in a tree with orange leaves!
Last year. I had been living here for 10 months and thought I’d be able to settle in for a good long time. I was enjoying being single. I was starting to move out of my grief after miscarrying. I felt wanted. It was really rough still being on welfare and having to scramble for my rent and bills, the disability case dragging on and on. I was really sick, had a nasty virus but I posted a picture of a cute kitty in a tree with orange leaves!
I posted several quotes that day:
"Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be."
-- Samuel Johnson
"I tell you this
to break your heart,
by which I mean only
that it break open and never close again
to the rest of the world."
Mary Oliver
"Not getting the thing you want may sometimes take you closer to the thing that you are."
Loreena McKennitt
And I promoted my friend Amelia’s Kickstarter campaign! By the way, the resulting album is amazing and you should buy it! Here is a link!
2013:
And where am I today looking back at all those November 20th's?
(besides being really grateful I'm not back in 2010 or 2011!)
I am happy AND sad. I am much more grounded in being myself. I know who I am and what I want and importantly, what I am not willing to put up with. I am mourning what's passing that I thought had value and enthusiastically looking forward!
I had plans today, but wasn't able to connect, then found out that's because my dear friend is really sick! I got some writing in, but the internet crashed before I could post it! When I went downstairs to reset the router I discovered that my poor little car has been the victim of a hit and run. This just means additional time and money before I can drive it again. So the day has taken a very different turn from what I expected. That's ok. I have learned to roll with it whether I like it or not!
The icing on the cake was getting a ride to Calling All Choir to rehearse with the San Francisco Chapter tonight. I've missed weeks and weeks of this and it was such a joy to be able to sing with such wonderful voices. I am so grateful that Mark lets me come when my schedule permits! Tonight we recorded one of my favorite pieces, Moonlight! I feel recharged, calmer and a bit more focused! It goes to show you that even when things are most challenging, there is joy to be had and much to be grateful for!
Upon reflection, some of these November 20th's were not so great! But when I look back I see hope and I see progress!
It will get better. It already is.
And where am I today looking back at all those November 20th's?
(besides being really grateful I'm not back in 2010 or 2011!)
I am happy AND sad. I am much more grounded in being myself. I know who I am and what I want and importantly, what I am not willing to put up with. I am mourning what's passing that I thought had value and enthusiastically looking forward!
I had plans today, but wasn't able to connect, then found out that's because my dear friend is really sick! I got some writing in, but the internet crashed before I could post it! When I went downstairs to reset the router I discovered that my poor little car has been the victim of a hit and run. This just means additional time and money before I can drive it again. So the day has taken a very different turn from what I expected. That's ok. I have learned to roll with it whether I like it or not!
The icing on the cake was getting a ride to Calling All Choir to rehearse with the San Francisco Chapter tonight. I've missed weeks and weeks of this and it was such a joy to be able to sing with such wonderful voices. I am so grateful that Mark lets me come when my schedule permits! Tonight we recorded one of my favorite pieces, Moonlight! I feel recharged, calmer and a bit more focused! It goes to show you that even when things are most challenging, there is joy to be had and much to be grateful for!
Upon reflection, some of these November 20th's were not so great! But when I look back I see hope and I see progress!
It will get better. It already is.
***By the way, if you would like to sing with The Calling All Choir we will be open for new members again in February 2014. Check the website for info about registration and public concerts. You can also find out more and LIKE us on Facebook!
You can find out where the amazing Mark Growden is performing on his site! More about Brian Kenney Fresno Here & I highly recommend his Facebook page for current tour info.
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