I am really feeling a little angry, maybe indignant, and very, very sad right now. Someone I care about very much said some words that really wounded me last night. This person didn't mean to hurt me and the impact didn't really hit and sink in until later, but I am basically devastated.
I thought this person knew me better. I thought they knew that this "in your face," blunt and colorful personality that lets it all hang out in particular company while not merely a persona, is not remotely all of who I am nor how I act all the time. I am not always this Mae Westy," bawdy, slightly obnoxious lady. Ironically, predators always see through this tough exterior to how sweet and vulnerable I can be. Other people have to take the time to get to know me and find that under this character, lies a lady of character. Those who really see me, get past the boisterous exterior and bother to get to know me, those who have been with me in situations where I am not hanging out with pagans, burlesque dancers or performing or those who met me in more socially restrained situations know I have impeccable manners, can be soft spoken and dress with class. There are two sides to the coin that is Lorelei Moon and they both have equal value.
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It’s kind of insulting, really. I grew up middle class in a conservative area. I am an educated woman. I've worked in corporate or professional jobs most of my adulthood. It used to be that most the time people saw a quite socially appropriate young lady and the other side of me mostly came out when I was performing. I am in a position now where I can express the colorful side of my nature and play with my appearance more of the time because I am not having to live in the corporate or conservative world anymore.
I still "clean up" when necessary. I have always been good about blending in with different types of people and behaving appropriately. Evidently, he doesn't see me as someone who can be "normal" or “socially acceptable.’ (Mind you these are not his words. This is what I have inferred after digesting the conversation) In fairness, this person has mostly seen me in social situations where I am around friends who also are colorful and expressive, but I don't always act this way around him and haven't on the few occasions we've been out together in public. I don't dress modestly around him because, frankly, I know my clothes aren't going to stay on long anyway; he's a lover.
When someone obviously finds me attractive, unless they tell me otherwise, I am going to assume that they are attracted to ME, that is the whole package. I guess, I expect, after a certain age, for a man to to be able tell me what he wants, likes or dislikes. In the past, I have had boyfriends who loved my being a singer and would go to all my shows yet, became disapproving and jealous when we got serious. I like to wear makeup, on certain occasions, a LOT of makeup depending on where I am going or who I’m with. I have been with a number of men over the years who thought that was fine until we got serious. Suddenly after they got a commitment out of me, they wanted me to go all natural. I went out with a guy for a while, even though I knew we were ultimately incompatible, because he surprised me delightfully, by loving the sexy way I dress and all the makeup.(Surprised me because he was rather conservative) It was so refreshing not to have someone intimidated by me or wanting to change me. So, if all these things about me grated on my current lover’s nerves, and might preclude things moving forward, if he was concerned that that was all there was to me, why did he wait 8 months to tell me?
WTF? It feels almost as crazy as if it might if we had met at a jazz club and he had been assuming for 6 months that that was the only kind of music I liked or if he’d met me at a Dia De Los Muertos celebration, heard me speak a little Spanish and assumed all this time I was born in Mexico. Or if he saw me in my Maenad costume and thought I was Greek! I am an adaptive person and despite having a pretty solid core personality, I can hang out in many different environments and fit in. I am a complex layered person. It is foolish to write me off as a slut just because you’ve heard me crack a dirty joke or have seen me in a corset. It is foolish to write me off as loud just because you’ve seen me carousing as friends. It is foolish to think I hate children or wouldn't want to be a mother because I don't have any. It is foolish to write me off as "too bawdy" or "too blunt" merely from reading my Facebook page on occasion or seeing me in "Full Moon" mode at a party!
The absolute worst thing about being told that precisely because of this living out loud, big personality, which is only a slice of me; the reason he can not “picture growing old with me” (Fk! I wasn’t remotely thinking that far ahead) is that I, stupid me, thought that these were the things he LIKED and found attractive about me! Now, I find that I am somehow in the category of: ok to fool around with, but not the kind of girl you take home to mother or out in public.I am socially unacceptable. An inappropriate potential mate or mother of his children. I think he would defend himself and say that’s not what he really means, but that’s sure how it feels.
I don't sleep much at night. This vexation gave me plenty to do. I sat and stewed and intermittently cried. The more sat with it and stewed, the more indignant I became. This supposedly enlightened man is playing out the classic Madonna & whore scenario. Slumming it with the great whore of Babylon while waiting to settle with a more demure socially acceptable woman with lower self esteem, choosing someone who will think he's the best thing that ever happened to her over someone who knows he isn't but might love him anyway. Meanwhile he's enjoying every moment rooting around in white trash. Admittedly, even at my most outrageous, no one would call me white trash, but that's how his words made me feel.
It’s ironic, because this person is rather steeped in self loathing. He often says he doesn't understand what I see in him. Ultimately , however, what he is saying is that I’m not "good enough" for him.
I’ve been trying to wrap my head around this relationship for some time now. I always thought it probably had an expiration date, honestly, I thought that I would have worked it through after a few months. But in some ways it has been an unbelievably good relationship despite its inherent complications. Friendship or romantic relationship now both seem doomed.
I process a lot through music and I’ve found it interesting that I haven’t been able to complete many of the songs I’ve started that reflect this relationship and this person. It is sort of an incomplete relationship for many reasons. He is a deeply flawed person. I see all his baggage clearly. Sometimes it breaks my heart because it’s so sad, but I care about him despite and in some cases because of it. I don’t think he understands this.
I process a lot through music and I’ve found it interesting that I haven’t been able to complete many of the songs I’ve started that reflect this relationship and this person. It is sort of an incomplete relationship for many reasons. He is a deeply flawed person. I see all his baggage clearly. Sometimes it breaks my heart because it’s so sad, but I care about him despite and in some cases because of it. I don’t think he understands this.
He’s often said that he has forced himself to be honest in this relationship because his history in relationships has been chronic dishonesty. This was also, part of what yanked the rug out for me last night. Here was a major thing he had NOT been honest with me about. So now I see, the honesty I have been getting comes in fragments so maybe that explains the fragments when it comes to songs. Here are two snippets of snippets. They are a metaphor for the relationship; lovely,interesting melodies, but far from completion.
This one I started to write at the beginning of our romantic relationship:
“You've hung so many veils and drawn so many curtains.
What will you do when they all fall down?
You've built so many walls and told so many stories.
You've got enough bricks here to build a town
With mortar of lies & girders of cowardice, windows that cry and doors that frown!
But somewhere inside there shines a bright candle and try as you might it will not go out!”
This, less eloquent, more recent one bubbled up
as I have been and now know we both have been in evaluation mode:
“I don’t live here anymore I’m a stranger at my own door
Fell off the path or led astray tangled in the shades of grey
‘Til I can’t see what’s before me or what lies below me
I thought I held a simple truth ‘bout who am I and who, who are you?
I can’t go through this anymore One more breath and I am done for
Why do I keep imagining you could be a part of everything
That I’ve been wanting, but are you just a haunting
Unrealized, forsaken dream; a fantasy, if so, where are we?”
I know I should probably not take his words so seriously or personally, especially after some of the other discussions we've had. He’s messed up emotionally. He has described himself as going through a mid-life crisis for some time now. He’s not happy with himself or his life.
Recently, he has started to muse about children in that way people do when they are unhappy and unfulfilled and they think that a child might fill that hole. I think that he has potential to be a good father, but that he’s coming at it late and in my opinion, for all the wrong reasons.
He’d be in his late 50’s/early 60’s when that kid becomes a teenager. There’s no one he’s in love with, right now. He doesn't really want to live with another person. His finances are already stretched and he’s resentful about several areas of his life where he is both financially and emotionally stuck in the position of caregiver. There are things he says he has a passion for that he already is too overwhelmed to spend enough time doing. He’s talked about his meticulous history of using condoms even if the woman is on birth control, both for health reasons but especially, because he didn't want the pregnancy risk. (Although he’d take total responsibility accidental pregnancy occurred) He and the only other potential baby mama in the picture are both smokers. Not good for making a healthy baby. It also increases the chances that they will be in poor health and may not be able to keep up with an active child. If there is a smoking related illness, they may not even be able to be around long for that child.
He’s a smart person, but he’s having emotional selfish urges. Hell, I am the manifestation of one of his selfish urges. He’s soooo human. Why should I be hurt that he doesn't approve of me?
Recently, he has started to muse about children in that way people do when they are unhappy and unfulfilled and they think that a child might fill that hole. I think that he has potential to be a good father, but that he’s coming at it late and in my opinion, for all the wrong reasons.
He’d be in his late 50’s/early 60’s when that kid becomes a teenager. There’s no one he’s in love with, right now. He doesn't really want to live with another person. His finances are already stretched and he’s resentful about several areas of his life where he is both financially and emotionally stuck in the position of caregiver. There are things he says he has a passion for that he already is too overwhelmed to spend enough time doing. He’s talked about his meticulous history of using condoms even if the woman is on birth control, both for health reasons but especially, because he didn't want the pregnancy risk. (Although he’d take total responsibility accidental pregnancy occurred) He and the only other potential baby mama in the picture are both smokers. Not good for making a healthy baby. It also increases the chances that they will be in poor health and may not be able to keep up with an active child. If there is a smoking related illness, they may not even be able to be around long for that child.
He’s a smart person, but he’s having emotional selfish urges. Hell, I am the manifestation of one of his selfish urges. He’s soooo human. Why should I be hurt that he doesn't approve of me?
Why?
- Because I believe in standing in my light but it feels like a big shadow has been cast over me and might extinguish the sun!
- Because we can't always anticipate or control what does and doesn't slice our heart open!
- Because I have deep loving feelings for this person.
- Because even though I say, we are not friends on occasion, we are.
- Because I thought he saw me.
- Because I had no idea that part of him had no respect for me, not a clue! I was totally blindsided.
- Because I am particularly vulnerable right now.
As someone who has recently made the choice to live openly and honestly as much as possible, as someone who thought she had finally conquered the demon that is low self esteem, it floors me that I cannot just say, “wow, I’m disappointed that you haven’t bothered to get to know the whole me. I’m sad that you have this problem with honesty, are afraid to be happy and have so much fear and self hatred. I wish you were willing to heal from past wounds take a chance and open your heart. I understand why, given your history you would make the choices you've been making, but I can’t respect them.” then walk away. It’s not going to be that easy. I have a connection with this person that is different and rare. I genuinely love him. I would like to see him be happy and free to pursue his dreams. Our relationship has been a complicated one from the moment we met, long before we became lovers.
I have had a lot of relationships over the years. Some of them were abusive, really bad, yet I have never had someone say something that made me truly feel they were ashamed of me or that I wasn't good enough for them. I guess there is a first for everything.
I'm aware as I write this that he will likely be angry that I've spoken about this publicly. It's also likely that he will try to retract his words or tell me that I've inferred something entirely off base, that I have blown it out of proportion. He doesn't want to hurt me, after all. This is perhaps his biggest flaw, wanting so badly to avoid hurting anyone that he will inevitably end up hurting everyone.
He told me last night that he is afraid of me. He clearly didn't mean it in the sense of something terrible I might do to him. It seemed absurd and it wasn't clear, why exactly he is frightened of me. Men have had reason to fear the siren as many have pointed the way to their downfall. A person uncomfortable with honesty might fear the truth speaker. Perhaps he finds me simply unpredictable.
He told me last night that he is afraid of me. He clearly didn't mean it in the sense of something terrible I might do to him. It seemed absurd and it wasn't clear, why exactly he is frightened of me. Men have had reason to fear the siren as many have pointed the way to their downfall. A person uncomfortable with honesty might fear the truth speaker. Perhaps he finds me simply unpredictable.
As I was driving home last night and that realization hit my gut like a fist, instead of reacting to it by processing with my own lyrics what popped into my head was Kelly Clarkson’s, “You Love Me.” Clarkson has that knack for combining a catchy melody with words that can be widely related to which is the perfect pop hit song recipe! However, she also manages to inject her music with real emotion and meaning! And this song is not in fragments, it's finished!
"You Love Me"
Thick skin, soft touch Heart of gold but it's na-na-na-not enough
Forgiving arms, the higher road Working hard but it's na-na-na-not enough
You said I'm not good enough, I'm not good enough
But what you really mean is you're not good enough, you're not good enough
You can't deliver so you turn it around...
You didn’t let me down, You didn’t tear me apart,
You just opened my eyes, While breaking my heart,
You didn’t do it for me, I’m not as dumb as you think,
You just made me cry,
While claiming that you love me,
You love me, you love me,
You said you loved me but that
I’m not good enough, I’m not good enough..
Stronghold, but fun ride, But rollercoasters are just na-na-na-not enough,
I keep it in, you wear me out, This kind of love is na-na-na-not enough,
Said I’m just a sinking ship, I’m just a sinking ship,
But what that really means, Is you can’t handle this, you can’t handle this,
You couldn’t win so you turn it around…
You didn’t let me down, You didn’t tear me apart,
You just opened my eyes, While breaking my heart,
You didn’t do it for me, I’m not as dumb as you think,
You just made me cry, While claiming that you love me, You love me, you love me,
You said you loved me but that
I’m not good enough, I’m not good enough.
Your love feels different. It’s like a blow to the head with your compliments.
Your love hurts deeper. It’s like a brick in the sea and I’m drowning with it.
You didn’t let me down, You didn’t tear me apart,
You just opened my eyes, While breaking my heart,
You didn’t do it for me, I’m not as dumb as you think,
You just made me cry, While claiming that you love me, You love me, you love me,
You said you loved me but that I’m not good enough, I’m not good enough.
So understand it means nothing when you say you love me
When you say you love me When you say you love me You love me, you love me
You know the truth is that,
You're not good enough, you're not good enough
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