






It’s ironic, because this person is rather steeped in self loathing. He often says he doesn't understand what I see in him. Ultimately , however, what he is saying is that I’m not "good enough" for him.

I process a lot through music and I’ve found it interesting that I haven’t been able to complete many of the songs I’ve started that reflect this relationship and this person. It is sort of an incomplete relationship for many reasons. He is a deeply flawed person. I see all his baggage clearly. Sometimes it breaks my heart because it’s so sad, but I care about him despite and in some cases because of it. I don’t think he understands this.
This one I started to write at the beginning of our romantic relationship:
“You've hung so many veils and drawn so many curtains.
What will you do when they all fall down?
You've built so many walls and told so many stories.
You've got enough bricks here to build a town
With mortar of lies & girders of cowardice, windows that cry and doors that frown!
But somewhere inside there shines a bright candle and try as you might it will not go out!”
This, less eloquent, more recent one bubbled up
as I have been and now know we both have been in evaluation mode:
“I don’t live here anymore I’m a stranger at my own door
Fell off the path or led astray tangled in the shades of grey
‘Til I can’t see what’s before me or what lies below me
I thought I held a simple truth ‘bout who am I and who, who are you?
I can’t go through this anymore One more breath and I am done for
Why do I keep imagining you could be a part of everything
That I’ve been wanting, but are you just a haunting
Unrealized, forsaken dream; a fantasy, if so, where are we?”

Recently, he has started to muse about children in that way people do when they are unhappy and unfulfilled and they think that a child might fill that hole. I think that he has potential to be a good father, but that he’s coming at it late and in my opinion, for all the wrong reasons.
He’d be in his late 50’s/early 60’s when that kid becomes a teenager. There’s no one he’s in love with, right now. He doesn't really want to live with another person. His finances are already stretched and he’s resentful about several areas of his life where he is both financially and emotionally stuck in the position of caregiver. There are things he says he has a passion for that he already is too overwhelmed to spend enough time doing. He’s talked about his meticulous history of using condoms even if the woman is on birth control, both for health reasons but especially, because he didn't want the pregnancy risk. (Although he’d take total responsibility accidental pregnancy occurred) He and the only other potential baby mama in the picture are both smokers. Not good for making a healthy baby. It also increases the chances that they will be in poor health and may not be able to keep up with an active child. If there is a smoking related illness, they may not even be able to be around long for that child.
He’s a smart person, but he’s having emotional selfish urges. Hell, I am the manifestation of one of his selfish urges. He’s soooo human. Why should I be hurt that he doesn't approve of me?

- Because I believe in standing in my light but it feels like a big shadow has been cast over me and might extinguish the sun!
- Because we can't always anticipate or control what does and doesn't slice our heart open!
- Because I have deep loving feelings for this person.
- Because even though I say, we are not friends on occasion, we are.
- Because I thought he saw me.
- Because I had no idea that part of him had no respect for me, not a clue! I was totally blindsided.
- Because I am particularly vulnerable right now.

I have had a lot of relationships over the years. Some of them were abusive, really bad, yet I have never had someone say something that made me truly feel they were ashamed of me or that I wasn't good enough for them. I guess there is a first for everything.
He told me last night that he is afraid of me. He clearly didn't mean it in the sense of something terrible I might do to him. It seemed absurd and it wasn't clear, why exactly he is frightened of me. Men have had reason to fear the siren as many have pointed the way to their downfall. A person uncomfortable with honesty might fear the truth speaker. Perhaps he finds me simply unpredictable.

"You Love Me"
Thick skin, soft touch Heart of gold but it's na-na-na-not enough
Forgiving arms, the higher road Working hard but it's na-na-na-not enough
You said I'm not good enough, I'm not good enough
But what you really mean is you're not good enough, you're not good enough
You can't deliver so you turn it around...
You didn’t let me down, You didn’t tear me apart,
You just opened my eyes, While breaking my heart,
You didn’t do it for me, I’m not as dumb as you think,
You just made me cry,
While claiming that you love me,
You love me, you love me,
You said you loved me but that
I’m not good enough, I’m not good enough..
Stronghold, but fun ride, But rollercoasters are just na-na-na-not enough,
I keep it in, you wear me out, This kind of love is na-na-na-not enough,
Said I’m just a sinking ship, I’m just a sinking ship,
But what that really means, Is you can’t handle this, you can’t handle this,
You couldn’t win so you turn it around…
You didn’t let me down, You didn’t tear me apart,
You just opened my eyes, While breaking my heart,
You didn’t do it for me, I’m not as dumb as you think,
You just made me cry, While claiming that you love me, You love me, you love me,
You said you loved me but that
I’m not good enough, I’m not good enough.
Your love feels different. It’s like a blow to the head with your compliments.
Your love hurts deeper. It’s like a brick in the sea and I’m drowning with it.
You didn’t let me down, You didn’t tear me apart,
You just opened my eyes, While breaking my heart,
You didn’t do it for me, I’m not as dumb as you think,
You just made me cry, While claiming that you love me, You love me, you love me,
You said you loved me but that I’m not good enough, I’m not good enough.
So understand it means nothing when you say you love me
When you say you love me When you say you love me You love me, you love me
You know the truth is that,
You're not good enough, you're not good enough