ONCE AGAIN I SET MULTIPLE ALARMS TO NO AVAIL
Determined to accomplish something I:
- Took a shower
- Put actual clothes on instead of just pajamas
- Put on makeup and snapped a few selfies. I even played with a couple of wigs. Sometimes I do this just to sort of see myself as alive
- Did a wee bit of FB scrolling and commenting
- Posted a very depressed ranty apology . See Below.
- Did succeed in fixing breakfast for dinner and it was quite good
- Listened to a podcast
- Talked to Artist In Residence for a bit, even joked around a little
- worked on my blog
- read a few paragraphs
Ok. In a list that sounds like a lot. Now I am tired. Why can't I sleep?
I feel like such a flakey friend! I want to be better!
I'm starting to wish I had a cat that would be annoying in the morning instead of The Bed Siren. When I wake up late in the afternoon or even in the evening and realize I have lost a WHOLE DAY again, it's profoundly depressing. I don't know how to turn this around.
In desperation I'm planning to talk to my doctor about antidepressants. Historically, they have not helped. In fact, they've usually made things worse, but I need to be more functional! I can't even talk to my doctor about this for a whole month! Even with the ACA, poor people don't have access to the same level of care, let alone timely medical testing and treatment.
When this disorder acts up I feel so incredibly lonely and isolated. I feel helpless because I can't wake myself up and I don't know when a cycle will end. I know I have many wonderful people that care about me in my life, but I hate not being able to see them because of health issues like this and because of poverty. I know I am a burden, not much fun, maybe downright boring. I used to be in a position to help other people, now I can't even help myself.
It kills me inside that I can't keep up with my blog posts regularly because I oversleep than have to scramble to get to commitments. I decline invitations constantly because I can't afford to participate or I'm afraid I won't wake up in time. Often there are things I wanted to take part or help people with, that I miss because I oversleep so I feel like I've let people down. Then I feel even more guilty when that person does kind things for me. Sometimes I even miss doctor appointments. I'm also in more pain than usual because obviously I haven't been moving for hours.
Though, I've never been able to completely solve this, things that have helped in the past were being able to actively participate in lots of things, having things to be excited about and look forward to. Right now I have very little to look forward to. Actually having enough money for expendable income helps that. Or knowing people who would just scoop me up and take me along was also helpful. One of the best things about my friendship with Molly was that she wanted to have adventures all the time and since I was game, she'd keep me busy. She would also wake my ass up if necessary. But that friendship has been destroyed by a selfish little rabbit....so. Despite the terrible things she's done in support of that narcissist I will always be grateful for my time didn't with Molly.
Having a regular romantic partner also helped. If they stayed over or lived with me they would usually be my alarm clock. (I've thought about asking my roommate to wake me up but I think it would just be too weird. I think it would make him uncomfortable.) In addition, regular sex was amazing medicine. It released endorphins that dramatically helped with my chronic pain. I also tend to follow my partner's sleep schedule and I will slip into their cycle. I think years of partners who went to bed and woke early helped me keep jobs. I don't have any real relationship or partner prospects and I'm not going to meet anyone if I don't get out much or if I'm asleep.
It's a terrible thing to not have much control over the way you live your life. My quality of life and my participation in it, is contingent on many things that I cannot control; my level of pain, other people, money, opportunity. I worry about what my mental health state is going to be like when I finally lose my cat.
More than likely, I don't have a lot of life left. I really don't want to sleep through it. I want to be living it. Aaargh. Anyway, I don't mean to be a downer, a bore or a flake. I just have severe limitations at the moment. Please forgive me.
PS: Though this depression is deep, don't worry, I am not considering suicide at the moment. But I do want to encourage you to actually check in with friends who are acting different, having a tough time, seem quiet, angry, isolated; at risk. Reach out to them and listen. That's way more helpful than just posting suicide hotline info. Thanks.