Thought of the Deity (blog)

May 09th, 2014

5/9/2014

I'm trying to fight the feeling of deja vu and I'm telling myself, this time will be easier, that it's just a last step in the transition from my life flipping upside down to a simpler but happy productive life. I know it will get better but Jai Ganesh and Hail Durga, this is tough and I don't know how I'd have even made it to here without you, my wonderful community!

After losing my home in 2011, I was a bit of a gypsy, about 10 different sublets, couches and house-sitting gigs in the course of a year before finding this place.Some were lovely, others were really terrible, but I made it through and have slowly been working towards what I have often referred to, as that feeling of being a real person again! Being homeless with a kitty is really difficult! I am not looking forward to doing the same thing over again!

As many of you know I am trying to get moved out of the formerly zen now extremely hostile environment I've been living in for two and a half years. I was really gratified to have made it a place where people would say uneasily, "Oh you live in West Oakland." Then they'd see the yard with it's weeds and trash, the peeling paint and broken windows, the old ambulance and the bus in the driveway and walk inside dubiously, only to exclaim, "Wow! This is nice! You've made it so homey. I LIKE coming over to your place."

A few months ago that abruptly changed. Our landlady declared she wanted a party house over stable, drama free tenants who all got along. She said she didn't want to rent to someone on disability and she wanted me out. My housemates were horrified. There was a resounding, "if she doesn't want you here, we aren't staying."

I started out with pretty much nothing. My housemates had less than I did and I'm pleased that I made it a lovely place to hang out full of art and many comforts! My landlady considers books, "bad feng shui" and called me a "hoarder." She hated my "aesthetic" however she is fine with people just throwing garbage on the floor. I will never understand this. I thought I had taken more photos of the house over the past couple years as I made it cozy, but if I did I couldn't find them.

I started looking for a place in November and after the first of my housemates moved out in January, my landlady for the first time moved someone into the room without consulting any of us, a clear statement that she didn't consider the three of us that remained part of her future house of tenants. She let this girl move in within an hour of the former occupant's exit. At first she seemed sweet, but that lasted until the first time someone told her, "no." She became manipulative and abusive to everyone in the house, but especially to me!

Other than doing her dishes, she doesn't clean up after herself. She continuously piles trash up until it spills out of the cans onto the floor. In just over 3 months she has taken the kitchen trash out and tidied the common areas only once, when she was expecting a "guest" from out of town.She has continuously invited homeless people to stay here rent free, indefinitely, without our permission until she personally gets annoyed with them. This has happened on three occasions that I am aware of and these freeloaders have been here for a little more than half of her tenancy. She smokes so much pot that I've started to have breathing problems.

When she found she couldn't pout me into submission she resorted to pouting and door slamming, screaming and threats. I had to call the police on her one night when she threatened to drag my couch out onto the street. She borrowed and in some cases, just appropriated, property of mine and refused to return it until I publicly posted that I was going to have to file police report for theft. Life here quickly became a nightmare!

All of my trustworthy and awesome roommates have escaped now and the place has been transformed very quickly from a peaceful, magical, beautiful haven into a filthy flop house where random people in various stages of intoxication are handed keys to come and go as they please. I've been looking for a place for about 6 months, had a few possibilities that didn't pan out and finally on the day I found out my brother had passed, I found a place!

It seemed like a message from him. I paid deposits and even paid some rent in advance to secure things. The plan was to be moved in by May 10th! I was able to relax, look forward and focus for a couple of weeks and then, the person I planned to move in with, had to move out of her place unexpectedly. Suddenly I found myself back to square one with no moving money. I have no doubt I'll be refunded but I do not know when.

"Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim." -Dory (Finding Nemo)

Obviously, the place I am in is no longer a safe place for me, my cat or my property so I decided to rent a storage unit and get most things into storage quickly, then find a temporary place to regroup and focus on looking for something more permanent and positive. There have been so many challenges and moments of excitement where people offered potential storage or living space then realized they couldn't, and that's ok, just gotta keep swimming! I would always rather someone say, no, rather than offer something that’s either not possible for them to follow through on or that they are not completely comfortable with.

As of a couple of days ago, finally, I thought things were coming together for getting all my larger furniture items out of the main house. Then, whoosh! The storage unit I thought was mine come Saturday was mistakenly rented to someone else. Thank goodness I checked in today instead of showing up with a van full of furniture and nowhere to put it!

I was pretty upset at first but I centered myself and made an executive decision and a plan to handle things differently! After all, what would Durga do? She’d climb on the back of her tiger, pull out all her tools and weapons and conquer this demon!Not only that, but she'd do it with a smile on her face! I don't know about a smile right now, but I have the tools so I tried to look at things from a different perspective!

For the previous plan, a friend had generously planned to come up from the South Bay early with his cargo van (early because he had a full agenda later) and with the help of one or two others, get all my furniture out, the most urgent item being my 7 foot long sofa! New plan; instead, I will be borrowing a pickup and moving boxes only, no furniture. I'm at the top of the list now if a 5X10 opens up and I can always consolidate by moving the boxes by myself later, if necessary, from one unit to another with a hand truck. For now, the goal on Saturday is just move as many boxes as possible into a wee 5X5 unit.. I also think I will have a little help on Sunday.

Things I can't get out this weekend, I will lock up in my room!

So all is not lost and I may even be able to get my mattress out so I can sleep elsewhere for a short while. I will know about this "elsewhere" for certain tomorrow evening. As you can imagine, after all the disappointments, I count on nothing until the agreement is signed but it's looking like I have a place to plant my mattress and my kitty for several weeks.

The silver lining in not moving furniture on Sat means that I will have more time to sell or donate items. I am going to try to post a list of stuff I'd like to sell or pass along by Monday evening, if not sooner.

In the meantime, your continued well wishes, candles, thoughts and prayers are something I am so grateful for.

My struggle feels great but my blessings are greater by far!

Let me also put these things out there if I may to those that know me personally or whom are n my area:

I am still looking for a place to settle with my kitty. She is a support animal so in most cases a landlord can not enforce a "no pets" policy. She can also stay in my room and she often travels with me. I have a pretty tight budget. If I need to keep my storage, then my rent AND utilities are best kept under $525. If I am able to share my furnishings in common areas of a place or manage a very large room and can eliminate or downsize my storage rent/utilities can possibly stretch to $675.
If someone has a big garage/warehouse/space sitting around empty you'd like to rent me space in for FURNITURE ONLY, let me know asap. Otherwise I am going to try to find a unit by next weekend.
If you have work for me between the end of May and the middle of June, please let me know. OR if you know you will have work for me anytime in the next year and can prepay me (We can draw up an agreement that you have credit) I need about $2,000 NOW to get my car back and legal again or to get another vehicle. My loaner car must be returned by mid June, NO EXCEPTIONS and I am unable to do my job without a car. If I cannot get my car paid up then I will need a off street place to park it while I save. And I may need help with a loaner vehicle. It is currently at my mechanic's and he needs me to get it out of there! It is not street legal and would have to be towed. (My main job is as a petsitter but I have a myriad of skills; organizing, interior design, all kinds of personal assistance work and so much more. That's why it's called, MoreThanPets: Petsitting And More! )
As to moving help: My end date is 5/24. I want most of my stuff gone by then. So if you would be free to assist with any moving between 5/17-5/24 assuming I can swing storage and a vehicle, please let me know. That means if I have a couple of volunteers who can come on a weekday but not weekends and I could get a truck, it could be done. Furniture wise, other than my sofa, most things are small stackable pieces like dressers, bookshelves and altar tables and can go in cars.
I have a number of those faux metro chrome shelves I want to break down for storage. They are really hard to take apart.I have found a medium sized rubber mallet is noisy but does the trick without harming anything! Does anyone have one I could borrow next week?
Lastly, I am still hoping to find a place to store paintings and artwork safely! Artwork and stuff attached to walls will be done at the very end.I am not moving to a permanent place so almost everything must be stored.

Lots of pleases and thank yous! <3! Gratitude Beyond Measure! - Lorelei Moon

PS: I know it's been months since I wrote anything on this site. For one, I've been wanting to do an overhaul and haven't had time. For another, I've had a lot on my plate, not all of this stressful mess but looking for the right new space at the right price has taken a great deal of my focus. Also, I've started developing the message of The Empress Dammit which is working toward a site unto itself and eventually some sort of a format tangible enough to hold in your hand! Finally, I've been funneling more of my creativity into writing and this blog, Fragmeantz. Although I am not posting every day, it has me writing every day, FINALLY!

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Flashback November 20th

11/20/2013

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I've been in a thoughtful mood of late. I thought a lot of things in my life had finally become stable, but instead they are flipping on their head once again. This year has had its fair share of beginnings and endings, break throughs and challenges, grief and immense joy! I've just ended a romantic relationship with someone I dearly love and am working on transforming it into a different kind of relationship.

I thought I was settled where I am living but my landlady pounced on me as soon as she found out I won my disability case. She wants me to move out. So, instead of focusing on finishing all the things I need to do for disability, getting my car fixed and making a bunch of appointments. I hate having to fragment my focus like this. It makes it really hard to get things done. However, more often I am getting confirmations that this is the wrong place to be so the search for a new home at an affordable rent is on.

I thought it might be interesting to look back for a few years and see what was happening in my life on the day I am writing. I'm mostly referencing Facebook for this because all of my diaries were in storage and therefore lost. My memory is erratic so I write things down!

2009
Things were pretty good that year. My business was still doing okay, but jobs were declining with the economy. I had my house. I had all my animals! My relationship with "Voldemort" still seemed good. It was only after leaning that my ex was a diagnosed antisocial personality, (commonly called a sociopath) and after finding some of his diaries in which he calmly, methodically described the way he was successfully manipulating his friends and also his plans for gaslighting me that I realized the first three "wonderful" years when he would constantly tell me I was the best thing that ever happened to him, weren't real. I was useful to him during that time. That is all.

We were vegetarians at the time, I presume he still is. I was technically, pescatarian, because I ate fish.

My aunt asked me, "Do you eat other meats like poultry...it is Thanksgiving coming up this week. "

I replied, "Nope, just fish, but I eat eggs and dairy. And if some meat product slips in, I don't like it but I don't have a cow. (pun intended)"

That evening, November 20, 2009, I also went with friends to see a really fun band (think wireless rock god cello solo while crowd surfing) called Tornado Rider. I believe they are still around, but I haven't heard from them in a while!

2010:
I hadn't lost my house yet, but I knew it was probably inevitable! I was in the beginning stages of recovering from and dealing with the aftermath of the whole, my boyfriend tried to kill me thing, but I had a new beau.
Ultimately, the new beau turned out not to be such a great guy, but he was treating me well and doing wonders for my self esteem, also making me feel safe since my ex was still jonesing for blood and ducking being served with the restraining order. (I’m pretty sure he hadn’t been served yet anyway)
I had been really nervous about going out but I went to see Brian Kenney Fresno at The Starry Plough cuz, well, Brian Kenney Fresno. It was awesome!

2011:
I was still looking desperately for a place while I was stuck in the roach infested apartment of a mentally unstable, abusive packrat! I was pretty depressed. I was pregnant and didn't know it. I had been through some pretty tough times but this time was pretty bleak. I was being threatened every day and was so grateful for the lock on my bedroom door!

I didn't tell many people about my housing predicament because the person I was living with was enmeshed in my community and like most hoarders, hid her problem very well. There were only a few friends who had been over to see it and she wasn't very happy about being outed!

Even her best friends hadn't been to her apartment. I cried every night I spent there.

However, I was looking forward to a reprieve; house-sitting in a beautiful apartment in San Francisco over the Christmas holiday! It was a countdown! I had my precious kitty and more and more I was finding I had some pretty amazing friends in my corner.

2012:
Last year. I had been living here for 10 months and thought I’d be able to settle in for a good long time. I was enjoying being single. I was starting to move out of my grief after miscarrying. I felt wanted. It was really rough still being on welfare and having to scramble for my rent and bills, the disability case dragging on and on. I was really sick, had a nasty virus but I posted a picture of a cute kitty in a tree with orange leaves!

I posted several quotes that day:

"Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be."
-- Samuel Johnson

"I tell you this
to break your heart,
by which I mean only
that it break open and never close again
to the rest of the world."
Mary Oliver

"Not getting the thing you want may sometimes take you closer to the thing that you are."
Loreena McKennitt

And I promoted my friend Amelia’s Kickstarter campaign! By the way, the resulting album is amazing and you should buy it! Here is a link!

2013:
And where am I today looking back at all those November 20th's?
(besides being really grateful I'm not back in 2010 or 2011!)

I am happy AND sad. I am much more grounded in being myself. I know who I am and what I want and importantly, what I am not willing to put up with. I am mourning what's passing that I thought had value and enthusiastically looking forward!

I had plans today, but wasn't able to connect, then found out that's because my dear friend is really sick! I got some writing in, but the internet crashed before I could post it! When I went downstairs to reset the router I discovered that my poor little car has been the victim of a hit and run. This just means additional time and money before I can drive it again. So the day has taken a very different turn from what I expected. That's ok. I have learned to roll with it whether I like it or not!

The icing on the cake was getting a ride to Calling All Choir to rehearse with the San Francisco Chapter tonight. I've missed weeks and weeks of this and it was such a joy to be able to sing with such wonderful voices. I am so grateful that Mark lets me come when my schedule permits! Tonight we recorded one of my favorite pieces, Moonlight! I feel recharged, calmer and a bit more focused! It goes to show you that even when things are most challenging, there is joy to be had and much to be grateful for!

Upon reflection, some of these November 20th's were not so great! But when I look back I see hope and I see progress!

It will get better. It already is.

***By the way, if you would like to sing with The Calling All Choir we will be open for new members again in February 2014. Check the website for info about registration and public concerts. You can also find out more and LIKE us on Facebook!
You can find out where the amazing Mark Growden is performing on his site! More about Brian Kenney Fresno Here & I highly recommend his Facebook page for current tour info.

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Community Art To Warm The Heart

8/16/2013

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Habitundo by Luisa Alvarez,

I want to share something stunningly beautiful with you that I spent many hours exploring on Thirsday! First I'm going to share some personal history that will help put in context why I got so excited, but the wait will be worth it and you'll learn some things you probably didn't know about me! Promise!

I really miss being involved on large public art works and also smaller efforts shared with the community. I’m especially fond of doing joint projects with other artists.

Mostly, due to relocating and lack of funds, I didn't pursue my fine arts education further when I moved to the Bay Area. I was horrified when took my portfolio into CCAC (California College of Arts and Crafts, now just California College of the Arts)! They enthusiastically laid out an exciting course plan then adamantly informed me that they discouraged their students from working while attending C.C.A.

The intention was for students to focus solely on their studies,; idealistic and unrealistic in such an expensive place to live . In order to meet this ideal one would have to have fantastic scholarships, take out large student loans, have a supportive spouse or rich parents. I was eligible for some student aid and scholarships but I had been so floored by the cost of living shock compared to Fresno that I decided to put further education on hold for a while. Sadly, it stayed on hold.

I always managed to keep some connection to art. My first jobs in the region included working as an art consultant in a noted gallery, which allowed me to meet artists like, Leonard Baskin and Mihail Chemiakin as well as work for some intimidating but fascinating people. I also restored art and antiques for a well respected dealer and worked in the retail store of a company that sold art and hand-made jewelry that replicated antique and museum pieces. The owner, Shashi Singapuri, also instrumental in making Laurel Burch designs accessible was hands down one of the most wonderful people I've ever worked for!

I've continued to produce all kinds of art over the years and though I would occasionally sell some, I eschewed showing my work at galleries for the most part. Because of the stall in education and my inactivity, my resume was not as impressive as it was. I was also really turned off by having to sell myself and the required amount of pomp and pretension that comes part and parcel with being a working artist.

When I lost my home and subsequently, the contents that were in storage, I lost all of my art supplies and lot of my personal work forever. This included music equipment and recordings, a lot of writing (including a laptop which had a complete novel on it), many photos and all my negatives and storage discs and one of my favorite pieces of found object sculpture.

A sculpture by Fresno artist, Diana Googooian

I also lost pieces by some very talented artists in the Central Valley, many of them highly collectible and valuable, including a gorgeous pot by ceramic artist Diana Googooian that as very different from most of her work. It was one of the things I would have grabbed and run with if my house had caught fire. It had made it through 18 years, 4 moves and 2 long relationships without a scratch.

And,one of my most treasured pieces, a print by one of my favorite artists and mentors, Howard Statham is gone. Howard was a very interesting fellow. His art was often clever and satirical. One of his most delightful (and well known) pieces was based on Munch’s Scream. It featured Miss Piggy and was titled, The Squeal.

Lost as well, irreplaceable signed books, exhibition catalogs and prints (Leonard Baskin, LeRoy Neiman, Mihail Chemiakin, Igor Medvedev and Pierre Marie Brisson) from my time at what was then, Bowles/Sorrokko Galleries. Some of these artistic icons are now deceased. Chances are, the person who bought my unit had no idea how valuable these items are.

Leonard Baskin was an amazing artist and a brilliant curmudgeon! While I am delighted that I can find many examples of his works on the web, but this also makes me chuckle. He was a bibliophile and not a fan of computers.
He also told me that I would really know nothing about art until I traveled to Europe and saw some of the great masterworks for myself. It hasn't happened yet, but I am sure I will hear his voice in my ear when I do. The video on the right is from an exhibit that also showed in the gallery I worked at in San Francisco.

LeRoy Neiman was an interesting character and a much better artist than snobs give him credit for. He was famous for his expressionist style, brightly colored paintings and prints of sports figures and celebrities. They were immensely popular. Lesser known are some of his more delicate drawings of Paris. The memorial video on the right spans a wide variety of his work. I sold some of these serigraphs.
One of the personal items I lost was a framed poster that the gallery was going to toss but one of the directors said I could take because it had a little damage. Many people don't know that I'm a boxing fan. It was an amazing drawing of Muhammad Ali, back muscles rippling, arm extended and glove about to make contact. Photos of just about every work by Neiman are widely available online, but after many searches I've yet to find it. I didn't realize until a few years later that the signatures of Ali & Neiman were not printed, but actual autographs!

This work to the right is by French artist, Pierre Marie Brisson. If you missed it earlier, you can click HERE you will be treated to a typical gorgeous promotional video by the gallery I used to work for. Our videographer was brilliant and gallery director Jean Audiger, whose early morning cherry attitude complete with whistling and singing in French used to drive all us night people insane, shows why hiring an art historian gives a gallery credibility.

Mihail Chemiakin is one of the most bizarre, brilliant artists today. His skills are staggering. In a demonstration at USF I watched him create a huge pastel abstract line drawing (similar to the style below) of a metaphysical head. He did not lift his hand once. It was a continuous line! On the right is a piece from one of my favorite series, "Le Ventre de Paris"

The video on the right is an excerpt from a documentary film showing the artist at work. Watch him turn a leaf into a carnival character!

Igor Medvedev is another Russian born artist. His paintings of the vanishing world of the Greek Islands made him wealthy. Ironically, he refused to teach me to swear in Russian because I was "a lady."

Leonard Baskin's Holocaust memorial in Ann Arbor, Michigan

Igor's pictures, though representational are abstract compositions.

There are a number of favorite artists (I use the term, "artist" broadly to cover, visual, musical artists and writers) whose blogs I want to check regularly. Neil Gaiman's is one of them. He always seems to have something fascinating, beautiful, moving or hilarious on his Tumblr blog but I miss a lot of them. I manage to follow his talented wife Amanda Palmer because I am subscribed to her blog and get email updates. Another of my favorite authors, Jonathan Carroll, has an amazing blog that frequently features quotes and work from other interesting people and writers. Even though it is the first bookmark on my browser, I don’t check it very often. Luckily I have its equivalent in my Facebook feed! But most of the time I miss Neil Gaiman’s posts until my friend Molly happens to send me the link to a particularly humorous or striking one.

Actually, I think one of the things I love about all three of these artists is that they don’t just highlight their own work. All of them constantly introduce me to new artists it’s unlikely I will discover on my own! This is true of Molly as well. She is perpetually discovering, sharing and inspiring!

I’m fascinated by urban exploration, derelict buildings and the art that often pops up in these places Sometimes in their ruin, buildings become art by accident. Gaiman’s post highlights six stupendous pieces of public art, all very different, that have been produced using abandoned houses.

In several cases, particularly Ice House Detroit, the intention was to highlight neighborhood need and benefit the residents of Detroit as well. As part of their deal with the city they paid all the back taxes on a single mother’s home so she could remain and continue to do her own generous work within her community. They also fed a lot of local folks!

"Out of 85,000 grants during its 25 year history, fewer than two dozen (20) have even been questioned."

When people complain about N.E.A. grants claiming that it "funds pornography" or is a waste of taxpayer money and with their limited world view declare, “That's not art!” they fail to grasp how much wider the scope of an art installation is than it’s two or three dimensions.

One of the things I am most enthusiastic about these pieces highlighted in Gaiman’s post; not only do they involve and benefit the communities in which they have been placed in, but in many cases people from around the world contributed to their completion either financially or creatively! They all are catalysts for discussion and awareness to important concerns local and further away. Also, they all involve reuse, recycling and reclamation. They are beautiful, amusing, fantastically creative, inspiring, detailed and there are so many aspects of each of them that just make me feel good!

As usual, when something intrigues me, I am compelled to run pell mell down the rabbit hole of links and find out as much as possible. The trip in this case was well worth it. I’ll share some of it with you here and encourage you to explore some of the artist pages as well! (I've done the research for you. There are many links in this post) Now, if I could just get into a routine of checking Gaiman’s blog even once a week! Perhaps I can get someone to send me a reminder? (hint hint)

Recently, I’ve been writing again. I’ve also started to gather art supplies. (Hooray for Freecycle.) I’ve done a little bit of work, mostly painting. I need to move soon and I am not really set up to do anything major here.

Exploring these projects reminded me of my love of conspiratorial and public art. I think I have a need to connect with other artists. Although, my ideas will likely never be funded, (I am not patient enough to write grant proposals and again, there’s the stalling of the career issue leaving gaps in my resume) I would be delighted to be part of something. Helping someone else bring their dreams into being has always given me great joy!

Here again, is the link to Gaiman’s blog post.

Gaiman includes brief descriptions about the artists, but I encourage you to explore further!

Artist Heather Benning has a very clean and simple website which allows you to explore her work without getting bogged down. The photos of The Dollhouse, before, during and after when the house burned are really intriguing. The dollhouse one is a bit eerie. It reminds me of the pictures of some buildings after an earthquake or bomb blast when it looks like someone has taken a knife and sliced off the front ot the building so you can see life interrupted inside.This is much more serenely surreal though!

She has another piece done with an abandoned house called, Watching Woman, which is just stupendous. You’ll find it on her site menu as, The Marysburg Project.

All of her pieces feel a bit lonely as if they have captured a moment during which life has just stepped away, The houses both appear to be in isolated locations which adds to this effect.

Ice house Detroit, mentioned earlier in this post, is nothing short of magical! The associated site is a blog which chronicles the project from it’s Kickstarter funding, through all the installation work, interactions with the community, like the wonderful video featuring an art appreciating postal carrier below, press, completion and subsequent shows of the film and photography. It is well worth going back to the beginning of the blog, even if you don’t read every entry. It is fascinating, inspiring and will warm the cockles of your heart despite the icy imagery!

I’ve gotten such a kick out of the crocheted and knitted art that pops up on public streets; cozies for metal bike racks and big yarn flowers sprouting off of street signs. In this case, International Fiber Collective made a huge cozy for a gas station!

I encourage you to check out their Dream Rocket project which will eventually wrap a Saturn V moon rocket replica in 8,000 artworks by school children! Teachers and parents, it’s still possible to sign your school up!

This video about the gas station project is short, gives you a terrific overview and is just the right length!

I am now absolutely smitten with artist Candy Chang!
I love the participatory aspects of her work.

The "Before I Die" project Gaiman highlights is a community bucket list. Chang covered an abandoned house with a blackboard and people were invited to complete the phrase, “Before I die I want to_______”

Many of her projects involve empty buildings!
West Oakland could use a Candy Chang!

Other installations include:

Writing “confessions”
A literal "career path" with fill in the blank sentences, “When I was little I wanted to be ____. Today I want to be ____.”
An “I wish this was a ____.” sticker for abandoned storefronts
“Please Disturb” door hangers you can copy and use with your neighbors. Check them out! What a beautiful thought!

I love every one of her projects. I encourage you to take the time to browse her sight.
Below is Chang's fabulous TED talk!

I also encourage you to go beyond the Inverted House, "Inversion". and explore more of these artists' work! The videos are cool!

From artist Dean Ruck’s page,“Havel Ruck Projects (Dan Havel and Dean Ruck) is an artist collaborative that works in public and quasi-public environments to repurpose architectural structures and remnants of no perceived market value into works of art. By reorganizing the physical construction of unremarkable spaces and places, their interventions bring attention and recognition to under appreciated and ordinary buildings and their histories.”

Houston Artists Dan Havel and Dean Ruck are Awesome Sauce in my book! I love how they incorporate neighborhood history, social commentary, recycling and community accessibility into their work!

A college art instructor of mine, Ken Owens said only rarely could one use the word, "neat" to describe a work of art. (He generally thought this was a lazy descriptive term. FTW, one of my sculptures won, "Neat!" from him.) I think he'd say it's okay to describe, Inversion as, neat!

"It's either a tourist trap or a pilgramage"
-Dan Havel

The artists sued Honda for copying their Inversion piece in an ad for the CRV. The imitation was pretty obvious!

I’m so grateful that there are so many kinds of art. I've always felt that trying to limit the scope of a definition for, “What is art?” is an attempt to limit breadth of the human experience. There is such a wide range of artistic expression and I argue that pretty much all of it is valid. I have as much of an appreciation for the purely decorative as I do for the representational and the avant garde.

I have a fondness for art that makes me think, even provokes me to consider something I hadn't given much thought to previously. I think that true art inspires some sort of reaction or emotion. This can be pleasing or serene and sometimes there is something about the work that can make people angry or uncomfortable.

It's all art to me!

Click on the thumbnails below for intersting info about the artists. Caution: The Gaudi link may leave you breathless!

Street or Urban Art

The Classical sculpture of Michelangelo

Van Gogh's impressionist swirls

Picasso working on his famous Guernica

The Low Brow art of Robert Williams

The Graphic Arts exemplified by Talouse Lautrec

The large public pop art sculptures of Claes Oldenburg

The dark side of Francisco Goya

The remarkable controlled "splattering" of Jackson Pollock!

The undulating Art Nouveau / Modernisme architecture of Antonio Gaudi

Whistler's portraits

The contemplative and surreal Frida Kahlo

Deborah Butterfield's breathtaking horses

As an Aphrodite devotee, I ascribe to the idea of seeing beauty all around me.

However, my ideas about beauty are quite expansive. The atypical, the deviant and the damaged is often strikingly beautiful. There is beauty to be found in that which disturbs, in decay and in the simple and ordinary. Something that was hideous at first glance can become beautiful when one takes the time to look deeper.

I have struggled with my view that almost anything can be art when I observe the range of graffiti in my neighborhood! Much of the tagging, I feel, is thoughtless vandalism but then I see more substantial pieces that are so striking that I am glad when I see that no one has painted over them. Some purported works of art are so poorly executed or so purely pretentious that they irk me.

In my mind, this is simply a tag, though perhaps one of the more stylish ones. It irks me that the owners of this building have provided space for street artists, but this loser tags the part of the wall they've asked people not to paint!

I think this is an abstract explosion of amazing street art sans the garbage on the street. Piles of garbage on my neighborhood streets and tags on nearly every vertical surface.

But then, I stop to consider that these things got a reaction from me. Indeed, I got emotional. They pushed my buttons in some way. Should I allow for the possibility that they are simply somewhere in the outer orbits of my art definition?

There are many (I lost count at 40!) links sprinkled throughout this post. I've been careful to make sure they all open in separate windows and to save you from going down a similar rabbit hole to the one Molly sent me down for about 8 hours yesterday. (Thanks Molly!) I forgot to eat!

This is why I don't blog as often as I'd like to and why they are so lengthy sometimes. It can be an all day adventure! I hope you enjoyed this one! In some ways it's as personal as my previous post, but not nearly as introspective and hopefully, more enjoyable; painless even!

I would love to know:

What you thought about these artists and their installations?
Do you have a personal definition of art?
What artists/kinds of art do you gravitate toward and why?
Do you think art has to be beautiful?
Anything you might have to say about art or this blog

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OUCH! Blindsided By Words & Processing Breakage

8/9/2013

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I am really feeling a little angry, maybe indignant, and very, very sad right now. Someone I care about very much said some words that really wounded me last night. This person didn't mean to hurt me and the impact didn't really hit and sink in until later, but I am basically devastated.

I thought this person knew me better. I thought they knew that this "in your face," blunt and colorful personality that lets it all hang out in particular company while not merely a persona, is not remotely all of who I am nor how I act all the time. I am not always this Mae Westy," bawdy, slightly obnoxious lady. Ironically, predators always see through this tough exterior to how sweet and vulnerable I can be. Other people have to take the time to get to know me and find that under this character, lies a lady of character. Those who really see me, get past the boisterous exterior and bother to get to know me, those who have been with me in situations where I am not hanging out with pagans, burlesque dancers or performing or those who met me in more socially restrained situations know I have impeccable manners, can be soft spoken and dress with class. There are two sides to the coin that is Lorelei Moon and they both have equal value.

It’s kind of insulting, really. I grew up middle class in a conservative area. I am an educated woman. I've worked in corporate or professional jobs most of my adulthood. It used to be that most the time people saw a quite socially appropriate young lady and the other side of me mostly came out when I was performing. I am in a position now where I can express the colorful side of my nature and play with my appearance more of the time because I am not having to live in the corporate or conservative world anymore.

I still "clean up" when necessary. I have always been good about blending in with different types of people and behaving appropriately. Evidently, he doesn't see me as someone who can be "normal" or “socially acceptable.’ (Mind you these are not his words. This is what I have inferred after digesting the conversation) In fairness, this person has mostly seen me in social situations where I am around friends who also are colorful and expressive, but I don't always act this way around him and haven't on the few occasions we've been out together in public. I don't dress modestly around him because, frankly, I know my clothes aren't going to stay on long anyway; he's a lover.

When someone obviously finds me attractive, unless they tell me otherwise, I am going to assume that they are attracted to ME, that is the whole package. I guess, I expect, after a certain age, for a man to to be able tell me what he wants, likes or dislikes. In the past, I have had boyfriends who loved my being a singer and would go to all my shows yet, became disapproving and jealous when we got serious. I like to wear makeup, on certain occasions, a LOT of makeup depending on where I am going or who I’m with. I have been with a number of men over the years who thought that was fine until we got serious. Suddenly after they got a commitment out of me, they wanted me to go all natural. I went out with a guy for a while, even though I knew we were ultimately incompatible, because he surprised me delightfully, by loving the sexy way I dress and all the makeup.(Surprised me because he was rather conservative) It was so refreshing not to have someone intimidated by me or wanting to change me. So, if all these things about me grated on my current lover’s nerves, and might preclude things moving forward, if he was concerned that that was all there was to me, why did he wait 8 months to tell me?

WTF? It feels almost as crazy as if it might if we had met at a jazz club and he had been assuming for 6 months that that was the only kind of music I liked or if he’d met me at a Dia De Los Muertos celebration, heard me speak a little Spanish and assumed all this time I was born in Mexico. Or if he saw me in my Maenad costume and thought I was Greek! I am an adaptive person and despite having a pretty solid core personality, I can hang out in many different environments and fit in. I am a complex layered person. It is foolish to write me off as a slut just because you’ve heard me crack a dirty joke or have seen me in a corset. It is foolish to write me off as loud just because you’ve seen me carousing as friends. It is foolish to think I hate children or wouldn't want to be a mother because I don't have any. It is foolish to write me off as "too bawdy" or "too blunt" merely from reading my Facebook page on occasion or seeing me in "Full Moon" mode at a party!

The absolute worst thing about being told that precisely because of this living out loud, big personality, which is only a slice of me; the reason he can not “picture growing old with me” (Fk! I wasn’t remotely thinking that far ahead) is that I, stupid me, thought that these were the things he LIKED and found attractive about me! Now, I find that I am somehow in the category of: ok to fool around with, but not the kind of girl you take home to mother or out in public.I am socially unacceptable. An inappropriate potential mate or mother of his children. I think he would defend himself and say that’s not what he really means, but that’s sure how it feels.

I don't sleep much at night. This vexation gave me plenty to do. I sat and stewed and intermittently cried. The more sat with it and stewed, the more indignant I became. This supposedly enlightened man is playing out the classic Madonna & whore scenario. Slumming it with the great whore of Babylon while waiting to settle with a more demure socially acceptable woman with lower self esteem, choosing someone who will think he's the best thing that ever happened to her over someone who knows he isn't but might love him anyway. Meanwhile he's enjoying every moment rooting around in white trash. Admittedly, even at my most outrageous, no one would call me white trash, but that's how his words made me feel.

It’s ironic, because this person is rather steeped in self loathing. He often says he doesn't understand what I see in him. Ultimately , however, what he is saying is that I’m not "good enough" for him.

I’ve been trying to wrap my head around this relationship for some time now. I always thought it probably had an expiration date, honestly, I thought that I would have worked it through after a few months. But in some ways it has been an unbelievably good relationship despite its inherent complications. Friendship or romantic relationship now both seem doomed.

I process a lot through music and I’ve found it interesting that I haven’t been able to complete many of the songs I’ve started that reflect this relationship and this person. It is sort of an incomplete relationship for many reasons. He is a deeply flawed person. I see all his baggage clearly. Sometimes it breaks my heart because it’s so sad, but I care about him despite and in some cases because of it. I don’t think he understands this.

He’s often said that he has forced himself to be honest in this relationship because his history in relationships has been chronic dishonesty. This was also, part of what yanked the rug out for me last night. Here was a major thing he had NOT been honest with me about. So now I see, the honesty I have been getting comes in fragments so maybe that explains the fragments when it comes to songs. Here are two snippets of snippets. They are a metaphor for the relationship; lovely,interesting melodies, but far from completion.

This one I started to write at the beginning of our romantic relationship:

“You've hung so many veils and drawn so many curtains.
What will you do when they all fall down?
You've built so many walls and told so many stories.
You've got enough bricks here to build a town
With mortar of lies & girders of cowardice, windows that cry and doors that frown!
But somewhere inside there shines a bright candle and try as you might it will not go out!”

This, less eloquent, more recent one bubbled up
as I have been and now know we both have been in evaluation mode:

“I don’t live here anymore I’m a stranger at my own door
Fell off the path or led astray tangled in the shades of grey
‘Til I can’t see what’s before me or what lies below me
I thought I held a simple truth ‘bout who am I and who, who are you?

I can’t go through this anymore One more breath and I am done for
Why do I keep imagining you could be a part of everything
That I’ve been wanting, but are you just a haunting
Unrealized, forsaken dream; a fantasy, if so, where are we?”

I know I should probably not take his words so seriously or personally, especially after some of the other discussions we've had. He’s messed up emotionally. He has described himself as going through a mid-life crisis for some time now. He’s not happy with himself or his life.

Recently, he has started to muse about children in that way people do when they are unhappy and unfulfilled and they think that a child might fill that hole. I think that he has potential to be a good father, but that he’s coming at it late and in my opinion, for all the wrong reasons.

He’d be in his late 50’s/early 60’s when that kid becomes a teenager. There’s no one he’s in love with, right now. He doesn't really want to live with another person. His finances are already stretched and he’s resentful about several areas of his life where he is both financially and emotionally stuck in the position of caregiver. There are things he says he has a passion for that he already is too overwhelmed to spend enough time doing. He’s talked about his meticulous history of using condoms even if the woman is on birth control, both for health reasons but especially, because he didn't want the pregnancy risk. (Although he’d take total responsibility accidental pregnancy occurred) He and the only other potential baby mama in the picture are both smokers. Not good for making a healthy baby. It also increases the chances that they will be in poor health and may not be able to keep up with an active child. If there is a smoking related illness, they may not even be able to be around long for that child.

He’s a smart person, but he’s having emotional selfish urges. Hell, I am the manifestation of one of his selfish urges. He’s soooo human. Why should I be hurt that he doesn't approve of me?

Why?

Because I believe in standing in my light but it feels like a big shadow has been cast over me and might extinguish the sun!
Because we can't always anticipate or control what does and doesn't slice our heart open!
Because I have deep loving feelings for this person.
Because even though I say, we are not friends on occasion, we are.
Because I thought he saw me.
Because I had no idea that part of him had no respect for me, not a clue! I was totally blindsided.
Because I am particularly vulnerable right now.

Because, I find using my heart in concert with my brain to be the right and true way to find your path. I find deciding with one’s head that someone is not a good match for you or that someone else is while you discount what your heart tells you, terribly sad. There has to be a balance. Unless you are a member of a Royal Family and have committed yourself to certain obligations, choosing someone because they are the “sensible choice” is really cowardly.

As someone who has recently made the choice to live openly and honestly as much as possible, as someone who thought she had finally conquered the demon that is low self esteem, it floors me that I cannot just say, “wow, I’m disappointed that you haven’t bothered to get to know the whole me. I’m sad that you have this problem with honesty, are afraid to be happy and have so much fear and self hatred. I wish you were willing to heal from past wounds take a chance and open your heart. I understand why, given your history you would make the choices you've been making, but I can’t respect them.” then walk away. It’s not going to be that easy. I have a connection with this person that is different and rare. I genuinely love him. I would like to see him be happy and free to pursue his dreams. Our relationship has been a complicated one from the moment we met, long before we became lovers.

I have had a lot of relationships over the years. Some of them were abusive, really bad, yet I have never had someone say something that made me truly feel they were ashamed of me or that I wasn't good enough for them. I guess there is a first for everything.

I'm aware as I write this that he will likely be angry that I've spoken about this publicly. It's also likely that he will try to retract his words or tell me that I've inferred something entirely off base, that I have blown it out of proportion. He doesn't want to hurt me, after all. This is perhaps his biggest flaw, wanting so badly to avoid hurting anyone that he will inevitably end up hurting everyone.

He told me last night that he is afraid of me. He clearly didn't mean it in the sense of something terrible I might do to him. It seemed absurd and it wasn't clear, why exactly he is frightened of me. Men have had reason to fear the siren as many have pointed the way to their downfall. A person uncomfortable with honesty might fear the truth speaker. Perhaps he finds me simply unpredictable.

As I was driving home last night and that realization hit my gut like a fist, instead of reacting to it by processing with my own lyrics what popped into my head was Kelly Clarkson’s, “You Love Me.” Clarkson has that knack for combining a catchy melody with words that can be widely related to which is the perfect pop hit song recipe! However, she also manages to inject her music with real emotion and meaning! And this song is not in fragments, it's finished!

"You Love Me"

Thick skin, soft touch Heart of gold but it's na-na-na-not enough
Forgiving arms, the higher road Working hard but it's na-na-na-not enough

You said I'm not good enough, I'm not good enough
But what you really mean is you're not good enough, you're not good enough
You can't deliver so you turn it around...

You didn’t let me down, You didn’t tear me apart,
You just opened my eyes, While breaking my heart,

You didn’t do it for me, I’m not as dumb as you think,
You just made me cry,
While claiming that you love me,
You love me, you love me,
You said you loved me but that
I’m not good enough, I’m not good enough..

Stronghold, but fun ride, But rollercoasters are just na-na-na-not enough,
I keep it in, you wear me out, This kind of love is na-na-na-not enough,

Said I’m just a sinking ship, I’m just a sinking ship,
But what that really means, Is you can’t handle this, you can’t handle this,
You couldn’t win so you turn it around…

You didn’t let me down, You didn’t tear me apart,
You just opened my eyes, While breaking my heart,

You didn’t do it for me, I’m not as dumb as you think,
You just made me cry, While claiming that you love me, You love me, you love me,
You said you loved me but that
I’m not good enough, I’m not good enough.

Your love feels different. It’s like a blow to the head with your compliments.
Your love hurts deeper. It’s like a brick in the sea and I’m drowning with it.

You didn’t let me down, You didn’t tear me apart,
You just opened my eyes, While breaking my heart,

You didn’t do it for me, I’m not as dumb as you think,
You just made me cry, While claiming that you love me, You love me, you love me,

You said you loved me but that I’m not good enough, I’m not good enough.

So understand it means nothing when you say you love me
When you say you love me When you say you love me You love me, you love me
You know the truth is that,
You're not good enough, you're not good enough

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Storytime

8/1/2013

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Small town girl heads for big city with even bigger dreams. Some of these big dreams get fulfilled, in spades! Small town girl who comes from small nuclear family meets boy who is a guitar player with many siblings, a racist mother and family arguments that go nuclear. Boy and girl fall in love. It’s swell or so it seems. They pop each other's cherries and plan a future together. Well, mostly the boy plans their future and the girl acquiesces though she’s squirming inside with uncertainty. After a while, the girl starts to get frustrated with the boy’s limited dreams, creepy sexual obsession with his mother, and with never being able to speak her mind because after all, she does have opinions, ideas and plans of her own.

The girl loses her lease and moves away. She starts to pursue her own dreams again. They try a long distance relationship. The boy sends her lots of letters he thinks are full of longing, romance and sexy talk. She finds them crude, but continues to be polite. The sentiment is sweet though the execution is gross. It doesn't take long for them to drift apart. The girl suggests breaking up. The boy becomes jealous; convinced she is screwing someone else! She isn't. He attempts a sexually deviant rampage and tells her about all the groupies and the group sex he is having. The girl is not impressed.

Soon after being confronted in front of Tower Records by the boy so that he can brag of his sexual escapades and try to discern if doing so bothers her or might win her back, the girl happens to meet the bass player of a two hit wonder new wave band. He asks her out in front of her jealous coworkers who are gobsmacked that such an unbelievably gorgeous man would want to date the girl! Some of them throw little fits! She tries not to rub it in their faces, too roughly.

Dating the man, who is ten years older than the girl, starts slowly and surprisingly, chastely, but turns into a torrid summer affair. She’s not in love, but she’s having fun and feels totally vindicated for dumping the boy. The last night she spends with the semi-famous bass player, they make love all night, in every room of the house and in the swimming pool; eight times before the sun comes up! When it does, he confesses to her that he is leaving in a few days to propose to his high school sweetheart and he just needed to get this out of his system. She laughs and says, “So long and thanks for all the fish, then?” He gets it, and laughs too. The girl feels the effects of that long night for several days. It is visible in her gait which temporarily boasts a slightly bowlegged limp. She never sees the bass player again but she hopes his sweetheart said, yes, and is getting all the accompanying benefits.

Life goes on. Some dreams soar. Some crash to earth. A few years later she runs into THE BOY again. He seems to have come back down to earth. He has regrets. She doesn't. They reminisce. He says he never got over her. She gently says, she did. They end up in bed. Despite his tales of debauchery, he hasn't improved much between the sheets. She gives him a few pointers to which he takes enthusiastic note.

Afterwards she gets out of bed. From the loo she hears him start to laugh, a little too loudly, clearly for effect. She knows he’ll be disappointed if she doesn't ask, “What’s so funny?” so she does. “What’s so funny?” “Oh, I was just thinking it would be hilarious if I just got up and walked out right now.” It’s probably for the best that he couldn't see the look on her face just then. “Well, if that’s what you want to do, go ahead.” The boy starts to cry. He says he’s sorry. He wants to spend the night. She tells him that’s probably not a good idea. He leaves. The girl hopes he will pull his head out of his ass one day and find what he’s looking for, but she really doesn't care if she finds out. She doesn't. Life goes on. -LM

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Thoughts and Words in Progress

7/23/2013

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"Unwanted moments are really the only way to discover the truth about our present unseen limitations." -- Guy Finley

I love the sentiment however, "Unwanted Moments" seems destined to describe some sort of feminine care product. Anyway..............

I've been doing a lot of processing and a lot of writing over the last few months, but I haven't really been posting it even though I've been prompted to. So here!

Maybe, these are the seeds of more elaborate things to come and maybe most of them should be on my musings blog which is primarily for writing poems, lyrics, etc Maybe I will do more with this entry later, possibly add some pictures or other commentary. Maybe I will just blog and post my writing more frequently instead of sitting around inside my own head so much!

Some of them are thoughtful and some of them are just "silly thoughts." I will share them here for the moment for those that might need them or enjoy reading them. If they resonate with you I hope it is in a good way!

Well, well, well...
Have you fallen down it?
Where is Lassie when you need her to go get a grown up? -LM

Sometimes things get so dark and for such stupid reasons. Too late; you've fallen down the rabbit hole. Even worse, you followed someone else down the rabbit hole. Ironically, it makes sense to you now. You know what all the fuss was about and it was kinda lame, but you went there anyway! Headlong!

Now, it's dark, slippery and you've got a root wrapped so tight around your ankle that it's not going to be easy, and just might be impossible to climb your way out. Damn! That hurts! Damn! That was humiliating too.

As you are stuck down there, it's going to be a while at least, you start to wonder if you even want to bother attempting to extract yourself. You're bleeding pretty badly and it just doesn't seem worth the effort. This didn't have to happen. It was a perfectly good day. It's not even a Monday. -LM

(When I decided to post this on Facebook, my friend Rabbit responded, "
Do you need a friendly rabbit to hold a flashlight for you?" Who could ask for anything more?)

And cats say, YOL9X! -LM

"There are eight million stories in the naked city. This has been one of them."

Whaaa? I just want to know how the city got naked? Did someone take all the buildings away?
Hmmm. Maybe they jst had all the facades taken away?
Is this an "Emperor has no clothes" musing? -LM

Do not try cut that fair food on your plate or stab at it with the plastic fork. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.

There is no fork.............

Well, actually, there is a fork, a flimsy facsimile of a fork that people who sell stuff like crepes, fruit salads, or vegetarian food at fairs hand you for their own amusement while all those turkey leg gripping carnivores mock you! (Sometimes if you are lucky, you might get a spork, but that's of little improvement! Fair food really should be served on a stick! Crepe on a stick I say! There's a place in Berkeley that wraps their crepes up in foil instead of foiling their customers with a paper plate and a plastic fork whose tines snap off with the first failed cut!

(And yes, I have watched The Matrix too many times!)

"If your parents ever measured you as a child, they had you stand against a wall, and made a little pencil mark on the wall to show your growth. They did not measure you against your brother, or the neighbor's kids, or kids on TV. When you measure your growth, make sure to only measure your today self by your past self. If you compare your relationships, your success, or your anything against anyone else, you are not being fair to you. Everyone has a different path, a different pace, and different challenges to face along the way." -- Doe Zantamata

Actually my parents measured me against all kinds of ridiculous comparisons, supposed peers that I neither wanted to be like nor probably ever could so I didn't try to be anything other than myself, mostly. This lead to much consternation in my early life and to much depression because I was never accepted by people I so badly wanted to be accepted by. However in practice it has lead to much more happiness. I claim my uniqueness. my eccentricities, the wholeness of my heart, my contributions and my art, my challenges and my pain, the ferocity of my laughter, the grand adventure and the embrace the lessons that come with my own personal failures and triumphs! The fact that my path is mine alone does not mean it is a lonely path! I measure my growth with squiggly lines in silver pen! -LM

Things that are given undue importance: guilt, obligation, "shoulds" and "ought to's," being "nice," defined morality....

Things that aren't given enough importance: self care, happiness, responsibility, ethics, love, honesty.... LM

"It doesn't matter what you did or where you were... it matters where you are and what you're doing. Get out there! Sing the song in your heart and never let anyone shut you up!"
- Steve Maraboli

That's what I've been talkin' 'bout! It's your life. Let the pressures of those who tell you what you should do, who you should be, and that other things should take priority over your happiness and well being just slide of your back little duck! You know who you are, now go be it! -LM

Sometimes when there's a "hole in your heart" it really, really feels like there's a hole in your heart!

Maybe not as catchy as, "You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em" but .......

"Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but sometimes, playing a poor hand well."
-- Jack London

Speaking of hearts....I wonder....How many times one can get punched in the heart, literally or metaphorically, before it stops? -LM

"Of all the people on the planet, you talk to yourself more than anyone. Make sure you are saying the right things." -- Martin Rooney

Go on & listen to that little voice in your head, if it lifts you up! If it talks smack about you, it's time for a new little voice! -LM

Free side of sarcasm with every fuck not given!
Order your apathy now and get a kitten! -LM

"There Will Be Blood" Vs There Will Be Tequila. Possibility occurs, There will be both.........LM

There are people that are no longer in my life for a variety of reasons and people who are sort of in my life and yet not, also for a variety of reasons. I'm still going to miss them and no amount of tequila is going to change that!

(I've never understood the whole drinking your sorrows away thing. There's not a lot worse than being sad AND drunk to me) -LM

If you've ever been in the position where someone is about to make a personal decision that will change your life, you are pretty sure they have already made this decision, but they are stalling because they don't want to see the pain on your face when they let you know the decision doesn't favor you, you experience an anxiety like no other. You want to be wrong but you are afraid they are waiting because they don't want to hurt you and part of you doesn't mind waiting because you do not want to hear bad news.

So maybe you're both in denial. You know the decision you think it is will be wrong for both of you. You know the other person doesn't even want to make the decision. They're weighing out consequences motivated by fear, guilt and cowardice so the decision is both difficult AND easy. The cowardly decision is always easy, isn't it?

In every moment while you wait you understand completely all the cliche descriptions of stress; the lump in the throat, the weight on the chest, the icicle in the stomach. But no one warned you that time stops for you. The rest of the world seems to rush by at high speed, while you wait without breathing for as long as it takes. You hold hope in a bubble and pray that it won't burst. -LM

"Sometimes you have to let everything go -- purge yourself. If you are unhappy with anything -- whatever is bringing you down-- get rid of it. Because you will find that when you are free, your true creativity, your true self comes out." - Tina Turner

I'm afraid the world can't handle my true self, but here's to that moment of ultimate clarity in which I give myself permission to make the ultimate purge, the ultimate freedom of letting EVERYTHING go!-LM

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Every Day Brings New Opportunities for Magic, Learning, Humility, Gratitude, Laughter OH, and A NEW WEBSITE!

8/27/2012

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I am so behind on blog posts! I currently have three in progress that need to be finished and posted (One on Oshun, that comes with a pancake recipe, another, in part, deals with processing the easiest romantic split I’ve ever made, and one is on magical houses) AND NOW I am working on a new website, a joint venture between myself and Molly Blue Dawn! It is the process of working on this new project that spurred this bit of writing on and into completion! (yaay! I completed something!)

Something happened this past weekend that for lack of a better word, I found "interesting.".Some might look at it as informative, but the only substantive thing I can really take from it is that people think highly of my friend Molly and I already knew that! Still, I surprised myself in two ways; first, that truly old insecure habits of thinking are not so easily rid of and secondly, I am getting so much better at working through what makes me cringe. Most of the time these days I have a genuine strong sense of self, that "Empress Dammit," that while sensitive to other people's feelings finds their critical opinions of her fairly insignificant.

So, as you read this post, you may think I am off on a rant or feeling sorry for myself. That's not the case. My hopes in exposing my most vulnerable self as well as my process of recovery from, after years of trauma and abuse at the hands of those I should have been able to trust, a very unhappy life is that even one person reading this will know that they are not alone. There is hope. There is happiness in self knowledge and joy in recovery!

Some of us go through life always feeling like that unpopular kid, the last one picked for the team, the only one uninvited to the party. Everything feels personal. This can come from years of domestic violence, chronic criticism from those close to us or one traumatic event such as a sexual assault that brought our world crashing down. Or our self esteem may have been slowly crushed by nothing so dramatic. I seek to help those who constantly question their worth by comparing themselves to others, feel as if nothing they ever do is enough, or that no one sees them for who they are.

This is my process of claiming myself. This is my process of breaking through some deeply embedded negative programming! If writing about these things can help ANYONE, it is worth it.

So, buckle up, this blog goes several places. There's exciting news and creative ventures, and interesting (at least to me) observations that lead to some heavier fare.

*As usual, there are a lot of little linky "Easter Eggs" that may take you off on a tangent if you like. Some are fun, some are a bit "blue" and not for everyone so be warned.

Here we go!

TRUMPET FANFARE!!!!!

Molly and I have had a website idea in the works for some time. I bought the domain name we wanted over a year ago and it’s been “that thing we are planning” for way too long. So, this past weekend, I vowed to at least get the page up and running! Now we’ll be forced to work on content if we don’t want it languishing!

Information! I Want Information!

While working on the bios, since Molly wasn't there to tell me what she thought was important, I decided to put a post on Facebook asking people who know Molly well to give me some information on accomplishments of hers I might have missed and anything they thought worth mentioning. I got an amazing flood of rich commentery in response. Since most of it was about her character and people's experiences with her and much was perfectly worded, I got the idea to keep our bios as is, but also to add a "What people have to say about ..." section at the end.

Of course this meant that I would need to do the same thing for my bio, so I threw it out there, shortly after I posted about Molly, tagging a lot of the same people as well as some who have known and worked with me for years. The response was dramaticly different. Let's just say, people didn't have much to say, or much of substance to say about me. They did have nice things to say, but, results ranged from comments on how pretty my photo was, to jokes, to simple answers with one or two basic compliments from some of the same people who gave Molly a paragraph.

This may sound like a "sour grapes" attitude, but no, for whatever reason one round of comments was a flood the other a trickle.

Granted, some of these people have known Molly much longer than they’ve known me, but I thought they knew me pretty well. If someone asked me to say something about any of the people who I asked for comments, I could and would certainly do more than a generalized sentence. Maybe that's just another thing that makes me different from most people. I really know the impact a comment or compliment can have so I tend not to skimp! Some of the briefest responses came from people who I've gone through hell AND high water for and from people who have seen me continuously be of help to others despite going through the worst of personal circumstances.

The point was not to force me to balance out the "Things people have to say about Molly" section by "making up" equally weighted compliments about my character for the “Things people have to say about Lorelei” portion. In the past, people just saying I was pretty in a picture would have sent me over the moon! Now I appreciate it, but not so much when I’m looking for something of more substance that I can post on a bio! Surely people know my character and deeds by now!

So, the experience left me:

A bit frustrated
A bit curious. Why did I get such vastly different responses?
A bit vexed as my old insecurities started to pop up
A bit warm and fuzzy about some of the nice things that were said
A bit amused by some of the comments that weren't what I was looking for.

The Empress Dammit ,
On Learning How To Accept Results
You Had Rather Not.....

In the past, I would have been crushed after reading. Despite people actually having said quite nice things about me, I wouldn't have been able too digest that part of it. I would have only felt the lack and very little else. I would have internalized it into a turbulent stew in my gut that would have carried on for days!

Thankfully, now that I have “The Empress Dammit” attitude, I'm not feeling hurt or slighted or reading things into this as I would have in the past. (This is not to say, I didn't have to go through a little process in order to come to that point as you'll see when you read on) I didn't really get what I needed and that is the crux of it. I don't need to make up a personal reason to explain why I didn't get what I needed.

I remain more than a smidge curious about the reasons why people didn't extol many of the virtues I'd like to think, they think I have, when they knew I was “listening.” And I’m kind of disappointed that the inequity in feedback will prevent me from doing the things with the bios that were inspired by those wonderful comments about Molly. I think it would have been swell!

In all honesty, it was hard not to make comparisons, impossible not to pause and hold a comment like, "A woman of the highest, more precise integrity!" said about Molly (and so very true) up against, "bunnies love you!" and "such a lovely smile" (Also true, just not nearly as impressive) and not deflate for a minute!

How do I respond to this "feedback?" Is there any need to? I thought I was putting much more out into the world and to have what is mirrored back be so out of focus instaed of what I expected makes me want to question if I am doing enough. Yet, there are so many times when people see me so clearly and I know I am on the absolute right path!

I have to admit that for that first moment, I saw the disparity between the comments and thought, "I guess I have to try harder." Try harder to do what? Be a better person? To be taken more seriously? Do more for people? Do a better job of being seen and heard? What? What do I have to do?

Oh goodness! While I will always want to do more to improve things for others! I have to say, I am doing just fine! I'm working hard. I'm seeing progress. i'm even getting close to some of my goals. "I'm good enough, and I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!"

Molly and I are both fabulous people. Molly deserves all that praise! If I think I deserved higher praise than I got, It doesn't follow that I should measure MYSELF by other people's opinions of MOLLY!

I’m still working on it, but I realize I have come a long way in not taking things personally. Molly would be the first to remind me that, no information is exactly that, no information.

First off, it's Facebook.

People might see your post or tag or they might not. They might intend to comment and then other things (hopefully real life) will distract them. We can’t know why people respond (or don't) the way they do (or don't). The response or lack thereof is only part of the info.

It could be that people have plenty of nice things to say about me, but they feel awkward when I am the one asking them for the info. Perhaps the results might have been different if Molly had put the same question out about me to the community. Perhaps not.

It could be that despite all I do, people really don't SEE me after all. I hope that’s not the case. It could mean or not mean a whole lot of things, but until I get the actual info all it means is I can’t include all those lovely things that people said because it would be glaringly odd to have one bio gushing with compliments and the other iced with lighter fare.

Ultimately, I'm grateful for all the comments people made and for another opportunity to learn. And, even though The Empress is entitled to make judgement, I'm accepting all comments as what they are, gifts given freely and with good will. I may not be able to use them on the website but my heart can make very good use of them. Thank you all for your kind words and willingness to help!

News! Glorious News!

I was relieved to find out Molly is happy with the bios as is and doesn’t feel the need to add anything more at the moment! So the website is GO! Check it out HERE! We’d love your feedback. Give us ideas. Let us know how it looks on your browser, etc!

In other news, I have started a new feature which will share magical recipes from The Insomniac’s Kitchen. Each has step by step directions. Eventually, Molly and I will make You Tube videos of these recipes and post them on our site as well. You can see the first post HERE! It's, "Bring Me Some Sweetness Pancakes" for Love, Health and Prosperity! I make a lot of pancakes. It's kind of like Waitress, but with pancakes instaed of pies!

I also tend bar for Bay Area Gothic events and make a lot of my own cocktail recipes. I am working on a menu page people can check out before events. You can take a gander at the progress HERE!

Come to the dark side! We serve our cupcakes with rum drinks!

Warning! You could get tipsy just reading the page!

Just The Posts Maam!

Here are the transcripts of the two Facebook posts I made. This is also an opportunity for me to post publicly, the AWESOME things (all very true) that people said about Molly! In each post I tagged about 27 people, many of them were the same. We have a lot of friends in common. Molly is not on Facebook.

* I have omitted the names to respect the privacy of the friends who made posts!

The post about Molly got 23 "likes" and four people left fantastic comments! I got 11 "likes” and comments from 10 people, including my mom who I had not tagged (Thanks Mom) and several people who don’t know me, but are friends of the people I tagged. Rather than compare them and say I had kind of an epic fail, yet not a total fail, I say, eh, it’s Fac-E-Book!

Digression Opportunity: Why does Molly call it Fac-E Book? Watch THIS

Post 1: In WhichMolly is Fabulous!

The funny thing about working on a bio page is you suddenly realize you've done a whole heck of a lot in your life! It's like a resume, but not nearly as frustrating! The trick becomes paring it down, and doing that third person thing without sounding ridiculous! Molly is happy with what's there, but I don't think it's quite right so Molly Blue Dawn admirers, please let me know a few things I might want to make sure she gets credit for! What does she need credit for, what does she do/know that's amazing?

On the list so far, CAYA, You Tube, Laughter Yoga, Anthropology, ritual theater, work with pagan organizations, tarot.. So, what else?

PERSON 1: Permissions! She gives lovely permissions. She tells people all the fun things to do!

(This is in reference to Molly’s wonderful blog, “The Wishbringer” which posts bay area events weeky and also has a feature, “Permission to”)

Lorelei Moon YES! PERSON1! I did mention her blog and there is a link to it!

PERSON 1: She's a fabulous welcomer. She makes it look so easy to greet you and make sure you feel at home in a new situation, and then she makes you feel glad you came back. And by "you" I of course mean "me."

(This also, is so true. Go to an event and Molly is often the first person to greet you, hug you, andmake you instantly feel at home!

PERSON 2: Friend to children, babysitter extraordinaire, and fairy of serendipity!

Lorelei Moon Ooh, PERSON 1, I like the way you word that. And it is something I would like to get across! Thanks!

PERSON 3 · 19 mutual friends
A veritable font of information and a fantastic hugger!

Lorelei Moon OMG! Yes! I must include the hugging! Perhaps we should have a little “what people have to say about us” section after the so called serious list of accomplishments. Hmmm.

PERSON 4: A woman of the highest, more precise integrity, a fantastic writer, an incredible storyteller, the geek who knows everything, someone who truly loves you even when she is being stern with you, a thrift store genius, full of excellent health information, a beautiful ecstatic dancer, a great drummer, a wonderful priestess!

(True x10!)

Lorelei Moon So, looking at this I am now thinking perhaps I will have the blurb of interests and accomplishments followed by "what people have to say about Molly" I think that might be fun.

Post 2: In Which A Whole Lot of,Well Not Much, Happens
but People Do Have Some Nice Things To Say About Me.

Okay, with a bit of trepidation, I guess it's my turn on this bio thing! I'm including a bunch of things I do and have done magically and musically, my work with animals, theater, art, anthropology, bartending and of course my blogs. So friends and colleagues what do you think someone coming across the bios on our page should know about my accomplishments & personally? This is a huge help, everyone! Thanks!

PERSON 5: Nice...necklace.

(This is someone whose work I admire and we joke around on each other’s pages frequently)

PERSON 6: · (8 Mutual Friends ) What a cute pic! such a lovely smile!

Lorelei Moon Uh, Will, that's not exactly what I was looking for, but thanks.

Lorelei Moon Ack! It's a Stuart Smalley moment! "I am just a fool.. I.. I don't know what I'm doing.. they're gonna cancel the show.. I'm gonna die homeless and penniless and twenty pounds overweight.. and no one will ever love me.."

Nobody's going to have ANYTHING to say about me are they?

PERSON 7: that pic is soooooo you!! i love it!!!

(While I appreciate the compliment on the picture, PERSON 7 is someone I know well. i really admire her and we’ve both been there for each other in tough situations so I was surprised she didn't say more.)

Lorelei Moon Ok, I may have made a grave mistake here! (oh gosh, there's an unintended pun as this photo was taken in a cemetery) I appreciate all the comments on the photo (oh heck I love a compliment and I will save it for my next shitty day) but what I was hoping for was content for my "About Lorelei Moon" bio section on Molly's and my site.

PERSON 8: That when it comes to singing Fleetwood Mac....no one compares!!! Hahahaha

(PERSON 8 met me at a party where Molly and I sang and danced to most of a Fleetwood Mac album and it was a blast! Our joint mission on FB seems to be making each other laugh, frequently!)

Lorelei Moon: ‎PERSON 8, when I was younger I sang very low (could even sing base) and my band used to push me to do Fleetwood Mac & Stevie Nicks songs so I learned to do a pretty good fake. It helped that I was a little gypsy witch who loved shawls and fabric. Now my range has stretched a bit and I have to work to do it!

Person 9: (2 Mutual Friends)
can't wait to check it out!

(She had originally typed that she had checked it out, hence my response)

Lorelei Moon Person 9 what did you check out? Or was that just a misstype? I haven't given the link yet for the new site. Or did you mean my current web site? www,loreleimoon.net which also needs yet more work! It never ends!

Person 9: I meant I checked out your page...forgive me, I am a little tired & goofy right now..LOL!

Person 1; You are vivacious. You are good at asking for what you need and being thankful when you get it. You are a good appreciator. (Did I spell that right?)

(Person 1 as in Molly’s comments. Thanks Person 1! This is a woman I like and admire greatly and I know she means it!)

Person 10: What a great picture.

(Person 10 is someone who doesn’t know me well yet,but has observed me working pretty hard and definitely knows some things about me so I was glad she added more!)

Person 10: You are honest, a good communicator, and very generous.

Person 4: You have an unflagging cheerful disposition, and bunnies love you!

(There’s some irony in this as Person 4 and I have had some disagreements about my being negative in the past but I think she gets me now! Huzzah! The next one, made my day!”)

Person 11: Always able to find the bright side of even the worst situations, pet caretaker extraordinaire, voluptuous siren, The Empress Dammit.

My Mom: Intellectually curious and open-minded, brave, adaptable, friendly.

(Thanks Mom! I’m surprised she didn’t say something about my always being willing to try things and go places she’d be afraid to. This is one of the nice things my mom says. She thinks I am brave!)

(And Here is where it just disintegrates to silly. I give up!)

PERSON 5: Likes sick, twisted books about mermaids and zombies.

Lorelei Moon: ‎PERSON 5, Yes, I m a sick twisted mermaid who is a zombie before she gets her coffee!

PERSON 5: THERE IT IS! I knew I could coax it out of you!

(That last bit, just may need to go on my bio after all!)

The Sound Clip below sums it all up nicely! Thanks Gilda Radner! Now Press the Play arrow below!

Always learning and always with gratitude!

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4 Things Worth Considering, A Visit From Mr Nancy, The Return of Mirth (and some things to make you smile or smirk)

7/31/2012

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*As usual, there are lots of little "Easter Egg" links throughout this multi-faceted post. They'll lead you to images. info, videos, etc. Click as you go or do it the second time around. I hope you enjoy!

Today (Monday, July 30th) has been an interesting day full of things to reflect on:

Lessons I still need to work on.

I've had a habit of forgetting about my boundaries at times because: A) I desperately need money and B) I want to make people happy.

I thought I was getting better at it, however, today both my time management skills and my boundaries slipped as I tried to squeeze in a meeting with someone who had potential work for me when I knew the timing was unlikely to work and sure enough it didn't.

After a long hard weekend culminating in exhaustion and insomnia, I overslept, which left too small a window to cram the meeting in before an appointment and a kitty care stop I had scheduled for later. The result; both of us were inconvenienced and the potential work has been put off, though granted, to a more sensible time.

Lorelei, just say, “no,” If it won’t work. It’s OK!

Happy place moments.

When I walk through my neighborhood I see and experience things you won’t find everywhere else, like being paid a compliment by, Mr Nancy *(Anansi, see note below), like a band playing on top of an, “Occupy” bus, like a yard bursting with flowers, gnomes and gargoyles, lofts that couldn’t possibly be lofts next to a carriage house that could be, or a bit of garbage on a tree stump that looks more like an offering carefully placed than random items thoughtlessly discarded!
* Slide show of snapshots from my walk to follow.

Affirmation that my friends are awesome and even people that don’t know me think I’m worth investing some energy in.

Molly Blue Dawn swooped me up so I could take care of a kitty today and also drove me to pick up some gorgeous silk hanging lantern-style lamps (Sort of like these) that a woman I’ve been corresponding with because of Freecycle was giving me.

I’m thrilled that anyone bothers to read this blog and ecstatic if they bring something positive away from it. This woman wrote, “I read your blog (well, part of it). It is very moving and inspiring and I wish you the best. Your generosity in the face of such difficulties is amazing! “ Wow! That was kind of awesome to read in the middle of trying times!

She has passed quite a few things my way as she’s been purging at home and while doing so has been incredibly thoughtful. This evening I finally met her, her husband and played peek-a-boo with her adorable toddler!

She likes the idea of what I call my “ritual soaps” (Using the power of intention along with luxurious scented soaps to make bathing a mindful experience, washing the dirt away and manifesting your desires at the same time!) and has some awesome ideas I can incorporate.

It’s nice when people who don’t even know you are rooting for you! And kinda awesome when you get to meet interesting people in ways you don’t expect.

My therapist wants me to get in touch with my anger.

Hmm. Does he really want to unleash my “big green guy?”

I have a LOT to be angry about and justifiably so. When I expressed to him my ambivalence about directly blaming a couple of people for a big portion of the situation I’ve been struggling with, trying to let them off the hook because they originally meant well and because I always try to look at my part in things, he pointed out that Lady Justice wears a blindfold so that she can judge fairly. He suggested that my holding them accountable was indeed the fair assessment and that maybe it’s time I stopped buying into other people trying to shift the blame on me when they are the ones who have behaved badly. Interesting.

Shoving those obstacles aside!

So, I decided to take advantage of a more well placed rage and go attack the stuff I have stored in the basement. But first I had to attack the stuff surrounding it.

We have a huge basement and my landlady has issues with it getting too full of people’s stuff. Sometimes when one of us goes down to reset the router she can be heard raising her voice in a panic, “You’re not putting anything else in the basement are you?

From the beginning, I had been assured of a certain amount of space and was even encouraged to set up a work area down there. I’ve been very careful not to spread my stuff out any further, even if I add to it. But lately every time I go down there mystery stuff is either on top of mine or piled in the way so I can’t get to my things. I move it away and the pile of oddities keeps returning, each time oozing over more area and becoming more difficult to navigate!

Tonight, I headed down into the dank dim underbelly of the house cursing in anticipation, took the stuff off of my things, moved it over so I can get to my boxes and even sit at my desk. I reorganized my area. By the time I was done, I was dirty, and sneezing and too tired to do anything else, but I didn’t care. If my stuff gets buried again, heads will roll!

And now to Expand on the aforementioned Mr Nancy (Anansi) reference:

Walking through the hood, I meet some real characters and I get some interesting reactions when I make eye contact, smile and say, "Hello!"

(I know, I know, I would drive people in New York crazy!)

So I shared this with Molly Blue Dawn and as usual, she knew just what had happened:

Today, as I'm walking to BART I see an older, very dapper African American gentleman, in a pumpkin orange suit and derby type hat, with a purple shirt and tie. It wasn't garish, it looked sharp, at least on him. Everything was perfect, not a stich out of place! He was carrying a curious object made of polished wood which looked like it could have been a musical instrument or a religious item, but I couldn't get a good look at it!

I wanted to ask if I could take his picture, but I had a feeling that if I stopped to talk to him I'd have a hard time getting away! I have to say that I also wondered if I would look later and find the picture hadn’t turned out or had disappeared. It was one of those weird moments that doesn’t feel quite real.

I smiled and said, "Hello, how are you?" while continuing to walk.

He smiled real big as he passed and then stopped and said, "Well, hello beautiful. Now I mean that, you are really beautiful, you just keep on doin' what youre doin''

When I said, Thanks, but didn't stop, he stood there a minute and then just sauntered on.

Molly said, "You know who that was, don't you? Mr Nancy!" I think she could be right!

The Return of Mirth!!!

I have been going through a real downer dip of the cosmic yo yo this summer. That snap upward that follows hitting the end of the string this time really hurt. There are days that it seems a more constant peace of mind and a chance at real stability are in site and yet it also feels like a mirage, a place I can never quite reach.

My tenacity always kicks in in the face of despair. I find my happy places where I can; my cat, my lovely friends, the constant click of my camera, flirting relentlessly, finding ways to be creative, being of service to others, letting my voice sing loud and true, the good company of Hobbit-like friends and lovers and laughter by any means! If I can instigate that laughter all the better!

Yes, things are improving, but l am still really stressed . My body is mad at me for pushing it in ways that I shouldn't because I still have transportation issues. It's difficult to turn down work or be passed up for jobs because I don't have a car. I'm still short on my rent & phone payments every month. If people weren't making donations, I wouldn't have household necessities or toiletries at all. I've pushed through some really awful personal events as well as dealing with the horrible injury and subsequent death of one of our household cats!

Despite this last bout of suck, I'm happy to be bringing levity back into my life. For a couple of weeks there I couldn't laugh at anything. Life without "silly" is like being stuck in a bucket of sludgy grey wallpaper paste that's about to be used to put up beige paper with flocked mushrooms on it; just imagine the worst patterns of the 70's, but with less color. Yeah, that about sums it up!

Give me my wild vibrant colors of mirth and silliness back and I can make something beautiful out of that!

Here are some scenes from my walk through my West Oakland neighborhood 07/30/2012

* Below is a plethora of all kinds of little jokes, cuteness, and silly images that my friends have posted or I've come across; things that have made me smile, smirk or giggle. You can stop the player anytime or click through manually. If you're having a bad day, come back and use it as fodder for cheering up. *Warning there are some political jokes and some blue humor so if you are easily offended....Wait! Does ayone easily offended actually read MY blog? Enjoy!

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And Now For Something Really Different!

6/20/2012

1 Comment

The always elegant, James Tuttle who would probably even look classy in Daisy Dukes!

On a lighter note for a change, I have to enthusiastically put in a plug for Jame's Tuttle's recent fashion blog on men’s shorts, The Short's List 2012! Yes, I want you to read someone else’s blog! (In fact, several other people's blogs, if you are inspired to check out the links following this little ramble.)

Hey, wait a minute! After you read mine, of course!

What is there to be said about men’s shorts, you ask? Well, evidently in Tuttle’s usual brilliant and witty style, plenty! Did you know that blazers with shorts are a fashion trend right now, though no one seems to be wearing this look (thank Goddess) including the designer promoting it? Do you know that hipsters “coordinate” their flannel shirts with their denim shorts? Did you know that only gay men should be allowed to wear short shorts? I was inclined to agree until I thought about some of the gay men I’ll see if I go to SF Pride this weekend who should NOT be wearing short shorts and some who really should NOT be walking around naked either, but that’s Pride for you; anything goes! Some of it is fabulous and some of it you just have to back slowly away from and work on your denial skills!

But, don’t just read this blog passively. Sure, you’ll get a few giggles, but you might learn something if you click his link promising "a more in depth look into the world of jean shorts” (warning it doesn’t open in a separate window so if you take this excursion remember to click back on your browser and finish reading Tuttle), look at the slide show with the commentary on each style to see if you agree (Sorry, those bandana print and horizontal striped shorts have to goooo but yes, those shoes are cool!) then, read on for a review of the new Dallas.

I’m debating whether or not to send a link to my housemate, “Futuro Padre Episcopal,” who says he doesn’t read blogs. He basically LIVES in Bermuda shorts all year round. Clearly, he cares about comfort more than fashion! This picture is not my housemate, but you get the idea! Something has clearly gone wrong here.

I don’t read James' blogs religiously, but I do read them all! He’s prolific so sometimes I wait until a few compile and go on a reading binge where I do actually LOL quite a bit!

James is one of a few former schoolmates who managed to “escape” my home town (whose point of distinction according to Wikipedia is its prison, "the first prison actively solicited by a community in the state of California. " and actually make something brilliant of themselves! (The Jury’s still out on me!) I’m sure he looks fabulous in short shorts. From photos one can see he’s one of those beautiful people who look good in just about everything or nothing! (I can only presume) Add talented, smart, funny and good hearted to the equation and ladies everywhere will want to run straight for the Kleenex box because he’s both gay and taken!

Huzzah, James! I’ve been reading his blogs for just over a year now and they've given me a laugh and distraction in times that were so dark it seemed impossible to find either. His writing consistently transcends the running themes of fashion, gay men and reality TV. He is always topical and funny! By the way, did I mention his blog is funny?

I really, really hope he writes a book someday! Fiction, non-fiction; any subject will do! I know it will be worth reading!

And while I'm plugging other people's blogs:

I was delighted to see that my dear friend, The Wishbringer, Molly Blue Dawn; a walking inspiration, has gone beyond her usual weekly listing of other people's events and has started sharing her own thoughts and inspirations! Here is a wonderful essay on giving yourself, " Permission to be New! "

I'd also encourage you to take a stroll through some of Yeshe Rabbit's recent writings at her Way of the Rabbit Blog, Recent topics include exciting news about where you can find more of her writing, a wonderful piece about Loreon Vigne, the founder of Isis Oasis, who just turned 95! and thoughts on Oshun and the Transit of Venus.
My favorite go to blog for laughing out loud, very loudly; The Bloggess! I recommend going back through the archives. (Take a week) Click on every link in every blog and you'll be on a tangent of delightful hysteria, (You'll also know why so many of us want Nathan Fillion to pose with a ball of twine, how funny a taxidermied squirrel can be, and why I want my own metal chicken named Beyonce! Start with this recent blog about tweeting quotes from unknowns!
And if you wish to read something a little more serious, try A Noir Perspective. Jeremy's been writing from some very personal places lately. His thought's on who is really family to you resonates with me and his memories of the LA Riots bring that time right back to me!

Other Relevant Links:

In case you missed the link in the text above, here's The Short's List!
James' Blog Archive
That link from James with a history of denim shorts
And combining a very silly loo at both short shorts and denim shorts, here's an ad for Wrangler Tiny Jeans shorts!

Just for fun, here's a picture of ME in shorts as a lettergirl for The Buccaneers, in high school!

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SUCCESS

6/2/2012

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Recently, I've wanted to write and I've had lots of ideas, but despite my best intentions, I haven't posted to this blog in a long time. Oh, so very much has been happening and I've been in overload mode.

When I am exhausted or stressed it is more difficult for me to write articulately! I've simply been living day to day. Now that my old life is essentially gone, I'm trying to build a new life; one with meaning! It can't all be for nothing!

Lately, I've had a tossed salad of good and not so good. I am still struggling, however, generally quite happy in the face of each and every challenge.

I am blessed to know some really amazing people in my group of dear friends. Recent conversations have made me realize that many of us have the same goals and concerns in common. No matter what medium we use to put our energies out into the world, we all want to build positive things. Our sense of value comes from our ability to help others. Being of service is what gives our life joy and meaning.

Even in my most desperate moments, when I was hungry, frightened and homeless, I worried about what contribution I was making to the world around me. Despite having very little money and challenges with transportation, I volunteered, I offered, I gave and did what I could. Often when I was unable to do anything I felt was productive or helpful it added to my depression and I would question my reason for being here.

As things have slowly become more stable it has been exciting for me to be able to take part more, to do more, create more. I often find myself in the position to lend encouragement to others who doubt their value or don't see the contribution they do make each and every day. It's interesting and sad that so many people who are lovely, talented, generous and genuine just don;t see the huge impact that they make on everyone they touch!

I have a lovely little friend, we call, The Hobbit, who is an amazing musician. She has a voice that would make angels weep with jealousy. She is also incredibly kind, giving and fun! We relate through our personal histories, struggles, our odd sense of humor and certainly through music. She has had a tough time of it of late; unemployment, difficulty covering even the most basic costs of bills and food, a Kickstarter campaign that didn't bring in quite enough to finish her project, people flaking on crucial promises, and a relationship she thought had a future falling apart in a very painful way. (By the way, a note about Kickstarter, not only do you have to pay taxes on the money which cuts into your project budget, but even though it is money earmarked for s specific purpose, not living expenses, it can affect you unemployment and food stamps benefits because it counts as income.)

People have come through for her with help where they can, by helping with groceries, car insurance and a temporary place to live rent free. They do this because they love her; she is immensely lovable! They do this because she is a shiny soul, not one with a shallow surface sparkle, but the deep shiny glow of a rare treasure that is precious inside and out. They do this because they believe in her, they see her tremendous gifts and capabilities. They do it because they want her to be safe, and healthy. She already has so much to offer, and they know she will accomplish so much once she gets back on her feet. Everyone needs a leg up now and then.

Still, she has moments of guilt and great doubt. Even when people around us SEE us we sometimes can't see ourselves.

For us, both of us, it boils down to, "How does my life have meaning? What am I contributing? What am I doing? Am I helping? Am I taking the pain I've experienced and building something positive with it?"

Even though she is struggling and can't always see it, her life has profound meaning. Though she is not famous or wealthy, she is respected and successful as a person and an artist.

I have realized that I have somewhat of a personal mission when it comes to taking my pain and turning it into a positive. I've found that since I became more open about the traumas and abuses I've experienced that it has indeed been helpful to people. Sometimes people are inspired merely by the fact that I have actually survived all of it. Others see that if I can do it, they can be happy as well. Sometimes people take comfort in a story that resonates with theirs being spoken out loud. Now that I have discovered what real, healthy self esteem is all about, I've been better able to encourage others to believe in their own value.

Most days my life has meaning. Most days I feel valuable. Small and insignificant as I am in the grand scheme of things, I am contributing to making the world a better place.

My life would be a lot easier and less worrisome with more money, but money alone is not the answer. It just helps. It is not a measure of success.

It's not a common occurrence for me to find inspirations in things that the uber religious say, but even though his proselytizing sometimes makes me cringe, Tim Tebow, a Christian NFL star earns my respect by walking the walk. This quote from him really resonates with me,

" Success comes in a lot of ways, but it doesn't come with money and it doesn't come with fame. It comes from having a meaning in your life, doing what you love and being passionate about what you do. That's having a life of success. When you have the ability to do what you love, love what you do and have the ability to impact people. That's having a life of success. That's what having a life of meaning is."

Here's to success, may we all have more of it!

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May 09th, 2014

Flashback November 20th

Community Art To Warm The Heart

OUCH! Blindsided By Words & Processing Breakage

Storytime

Thoughts and Words in Progress

Every Day Brings New Opportunities for Magic, Learning, Humility, Gratitude, Laughter OH, and A NEW WEBSITE!

Information! I Want Information!

The Empress Dammit ,
On Learning How To Accept Results
You Had Rather Not.....

News! Glorious News!

Just The Posts Maam!

Post 1: In WhichMolly is Fabulous!

Post 2: In Which A Whole Lot of,Well Not Much, Happens
but People Do Have Some Nice Things To Say About Me.

4 Things Worth Considering, A Visit From Mr Nancy, The Return of Mirth (and some things to make you smile or smirk)

The Return of Mirth!!!

And Now For Something Really Different!

SUCCESS

Lorelei Moon
Thought of The Deity

Archives

Categories

Information! I Want Information!

The Empress Dammit ,On Learning How To Accept Results You Had Rather Not.....

News! Glorious News!

Just The Posts Maam!

Post 1: In WhichMolly is Fabulous!

Post 2: In Which A Whole Lot of,Well Not Much, Happens but People Do Have Some Nice Things To Say About Me.

The Return of Mirth!!!

Archives

Categories

The Empress Dammit ,
On Learning How To Accept Results
You Had Rather Not.....

Post 2: In Which A Whole Lot of,Well Not Much, Happens
but People Do Have Some Nice Things To Say About Me.